Brie Gowen

Savor the Essence of Life

I Never Wanted the Pony

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“I bet you can’t dive all the way to the bottom and touch the grate,” he dared me.

I was five years old. A toe-headed, deeply tanned, tiny thing, but boy, could I swim. I wasn’t daunted by the Olympic-sized swimming pool sparkling before me.

“But I got my clothes on,” I answered, waiting to see if he’d take back the challenge.

“If you do it, I’ll buy you a pony,” he replied with a smirk.

And that was all it took. Like a bullet from a gun, I shot quickly into the water, sans swimsuit or not, pointed finger first to touch the drain at the bottom of the pool. Spoiler alert. I reached my goal easily, and broke through the surface of the water, just as quickly, sucking in air hungrily. Almost as hungrily as I ached for his response.

Here’s the thing about five year old me. I really wanted a pony. I asked if I could get one, more than once, not understanding the obstacles that stood in the way of my cowgirl princess dreams, such as living in an apartment, or being dirt poor. I just wanted one, and my father had agreed I could get one. Several times. The poolside promise wasn’t a new thing.

Here’s the next thing. I knew I wasn’t getting a pony. I may had only recently learned to tie my shoelaces, but I understood a thing or two about human behavior. The promise of a pony was like wishing upon a star. It worked in Disney cartoons, but not for little girls who changed schools a billion times a year, chasing dad across the country while he sowed his oats. I didn’t even want the pony. Not at that moment.

I was proud of myself, though. I tried to reel it in, but I couldn’t help it. Sure, touching the bottom of the deep end was nothing new for me, but it was for him. And mom knew I could do it, but he didn’t know. He’d been gone when I learned. Where did he go anyway? With just a backpack and the contents of our bank account, for months at a time?

Yessiree, I was proud. I was cheesing, big time, and I waited for his response with anticipation. Wouldn’t he be so proud?!

All I can remember is the chuckle. A half laugh, half “well, I’ll be damned.” He laughed at the sport of a smiling girl, and then he turned and walked away, probably afraid I’d get his smoldering, filterless Camel wet. I guess I remember something else. I remember my heart breaking. It didn’t ache for a pretty pony to keep in the nonexistent backyard, though. It ached for affection. I wanted him to be proud of me.

I can look back on the muddled years of my past, and I can see that same longing. Love me! See me! Make me feel worthwhile! I floated through friendships, relationships, and most facets of my life like a little girl kicking like crazy to reach the bottom. If I could just touch the grate, he’d be proud. Maybe he’d even stay around for a while. If I could just be skinny enough, pretty enough, smart enough. If I wore the right clothes, the other girls would accept me. If I slept with him on the first date, he’d have to like me. If I agreed to be agreeable, then my husband wouldn’t leave me. So many parts of myself I gave up or gave away, just hoping to finally feel the satisfaction of being worth something to someone. Anything to anybody.

I never got that pony, and I never found what I was looking for in the arms of mankind. Don’t get me wrong; I found love. I currently reside in the most fulfilling and joyous marriage I could fathom, but I had to come to a place in life where I realized my self-worth and personal happiness couldn’t be found in the acceptance, opinion, or affections of this world. As the years went by and I scoured the pages of my Bible, I finally understood my purpose and fullness were found therein. A Savior who called me precious, that was what mattered most. A God who became man, to give His life for me, that was what I had been longing for. An unconditional love that said, ‘you can have all of me, and you don’t have to give me a thing,’ that was what had been missing. I didn’t have to perform, fit into a box, or do anything other than just believe that love was there for me. And when I finally realized His great grace was enough, that His strength was sufficient, and that His love never failed, I stopped kicking. I stopped striving to reach the bottom, to obtain the love of the world, or to fill my cup with empty promises. Because, I never needed the promise of a pony. I only needed perfect love.

Why You Should Stop Yearning for Heaven

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You get up early, after staying up late, and you drive to a job that is much the same today as it was the day before. You drudge through traffic, rush through the work day, and attempt to soak up the quickly passing afternoon hours in between. You look forward to the weekend that goes by far too fast, and you do it day in and day out. Countdown to vacation. T minus 89.

You work long hours and long days for the things you can look forward to, like a cruise, the kid’s birthday bash, Christmas, and one day, retirement. You get through the muck to get to the luck. You trudge through the mundane to get to the merry. You hurry through today to get to tomorrow. Such is life.

Colicky babies will surely grow out of it. The terrible twos shall soon pass. One day the needy child will be able to do for themselves. Messy teens will move on. This hard phase of life will get better. You just have to get past it.

You daydream for better days. You beg the clock to hurry. Christians cry out to the Lord, “come quickly! Save me from this strife!”

Believers look fondly forward to a place of no more pain. This is understandable. After all, who doesn’t long to look onto loved ones who have gone before us? Don’t we all yearn for a life without disease, hardship, and most importantly, hate? Yes. Of course. But what do we miss on our journey to Heaven? As a Christian, it is your final destination. My only question would be, do you enjoy the ride?

In everyday life we anticipate what’s next. It’s The American Way. We drive right past the breathtaking sunrise on our way to a workday we’re whittling past for a weekend that won’t go slow enough. In this world we do have trouble, and I wish it wasn’t so. But we also have wonderful.

In the hectic life of a busy mother a baby smiles their very first smile. There will never be a very first smile again. Did she miss it?

An eight year old boy will ask his dad to play catch on a windy, autumn afternoon. In a rush to get homework done and the leaves raked before the upcoming Saturday barbecue, the moment will pass. No one will even realize it’s gone.

The chance to stop for a stranded motorist, to hug a friend in need, to pray for a brother contemplating suicide. It will pass.

The opportunity to hold hands with your spouse, marvel at the musical laughter of your grandchild, or watch a mother robin feed her offspring a morning meal. It will pass.

We yearn for Heaven. We yearn for a life more blessed than the one we currently struggle through. We yearn for peace, and a love that knows no bounds to fill us to overflowing; a love that will take away pain, anxiety, and that turmoil we struggle with almost every single day. There’s no fault found in desiring these things. God made us empty, to be filled with Him. A life where everyone could be filled with God’s healing, peace, and joy; oh, what a day that will be!

Matthew 6:10 (NLT) May your Kingdom come soon. May your will be done on earth, as it is in heaven.

I think there’s just one thing we are missing in our yearning for Heaven, in our anticipation every day for the next, better thing.

God. Is. In. Us.

We are seated in Heavenly places with Christ, through Christ, for Christ.

We are here on earth to live our lives to the fullest because of Jesus in us. We are to shine the light of the Lord, and preach the gospel of how Christ changes things. And the easiest way to proclaim that truth is by living a life of exceeding joy in all things. Not just the very good things, or the very easy things, but in all things. And as we exude the joy of the Lord in the everyday mundane our eyes are opened to more of Him, more of Him right here on earth, as it is in Heaven.

We haven’t finished the race yet. We all know this. But I don’t believe it has to be a race in vain. I don’t think we have to run blindly, just hoping the finish line is around the next corner. I think the Lord would have us to rejoice in suffering, see His hand along the track of life, and lead us to a closer walk with Him as we go. We weren’t meant for a fallen world such as this. We’ll never be totally at peace here, but we can obtain a joy-filled, abundantly blessed life while we are here by resting in the fact that God is in us. We will not fail.

We can open our eyes, slow down, and enjoy each moment, each breath, each encounter as the gift it is, and also the learning and growing experience it is meant to be. In this world there will be trouble, but He has overcome the world. We can walk each day victoriously for the battle has already been won. We can stop running so fruitlessly past the gifts offered today. We can understand that each and every moment can be used for the glory of God. They’re not wasted, waiting time until eternity. We can see our interactions with coworkers or the people we serve on the job as a chance to do God’s will. Why would we trudge through or resent that?

In our ability to slow down, seize moments, utilize the everyday, and appreciate the little things (that we typically ignore in our race for tomorrow), we can bring God’s glory here now. We can increase the harvest. Yes, Heaven is where we long to be, where we are meant to be, but the Lord created Heaven and Earth for our pleasure. Jesus has empowered us to bring Heaven to earth. He longs for His children to enjoy life through Him today, tomorrow, and forever. Don’t just yearn for what’s next, but rather enjoy what He is doing now. It’s the precursor to the divine.

What God Would Say to Nurses

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Recently I was thinking about eternity. You know, Heaven. I often think about what it will be like, and I anticipate a place described as having no more tears or pain. I mean, who doesn’t? But then I’m reminded of my job. My vocation, my skill, my calling, that thing that I’m good at will no longer be a thing. If there will no longer be sickness, disease, or pain then that kind of makes my job as a nurse obsolete in the hereafter. While I look forward to a time where illness doesn’t exist it did make me wonder about my choosing of a career that won’t be required in a perfect world. The thing is, even in an imperfect world I have days where I question my career!

Don’t get me wrong; I love Nursing, but it’s hard. And it’s hard not to question your career choice when it’s so challenging, when it’s so exhausting, when it’s so difficult to keep doing something in the face of ever-changing medicine and an overgrowing patient population. You love it, but some days you wonder if you’re really making a difference, if you’re doing what you’re supposed to be doing in life, and if you’re still where God wants you to be. Just being honest.

Well, since I work as a nurse at the bedside full time, and I’m starting back to work tomorrow after an extended vacation, I was overjoyed when the Lord spoke to my heart this morning during my quiet time in His still small voice.

This is what I felt like He spoke to my heart, and if you’re a nurse then perhaps it will speak to yours as well.

You’ve been thinking a lot lately how your job will exist in Heaven. And it won’t. But I want you to understand it’s important now.

The healing, it is a portal, a symbol of my ultimate healing. What you do opens the gateway to what I’ve already done. I have restored health and life for eternity. In this life you bring my healing, a foretaste of the divine, a prelude of the eternal healing that exists for all.

Take privilege and honor that I chose you for this task. It isn’t for the weak! You hold the key, and the key is light.

You are the light of the world. Believe it.

One day all will be healed. Until that day I have you.

When they see you, they see me.

Nursing can be a difficult and taxing calling, but it is just that; a calling. Nurses are called to be the hands and feet of Jesus, but even more so we are called to show the light of the Lord. We are afforded the opportunity to offer healing on this side of Heaven, until ultimate healing is available. The days can be long and hard, but to know I have been handpicked for such a task as this by My Father gives me renewed purpose and joy. I pray you receive it also.

Is It Just Being a Woman, Or What?!

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Today I feel great. More than great, actually. I’ve smiled enough today that the corners of my mouth are sore, but I’m definitely not complaining. It’s nice to come out the other side of a dry spell. I guess that’s what I’ll call it. I’m talking about that barren place of your emotions where you feel empty, where you feel as if you resemble the desert floor when it hasn’t rained in a long time. Dry, open, weeping, even without tears. You’re even too empty to cry.

Last week I experienced a span of days where I awoke feeling downtrodden. In the mornings I would even awake with my heart racing, trying to remember the dreams that had kept my subconscious spinning, the ones that must have had some purpose if they left me feeling so anxious and coming apart. Through the day I would worry on simple issues, the nonexistent problems that I somehow tried to make matter more. I would imagine trouble when it shouldn’t even be a thought, and I guess what bothers me the most about that is it’s the total opposite of who God has created me to be.

One of my down days I actually sat by the pool with a book, my adoring husband beside me, and my darling children playing before me. My life was surreal, spectacular, amazing. So I couldn’t for the life of me understand why I felt so bothered. As I prayed for an answer I felt one come.

This is how I am answering your prayers.

Over the past year especially I had asked God for more of Himself. I wanted to draw closer in my walk with the Lord. I wanted to be used by Him. I wanted Him to rid me of everything that wasn’t in line with that. So it occurred to me that Him allowing me to feel the temporary, intermittent emotions of anxiety was for sure a way to increase my dependence on Him. It wasn’t that I felt He caused these feelings. No. They definitely were not of God or what He intended for my life. Instead they were the side effects of a sinful, fallen world. So while He had all authority and power to break the chains of anxiety and rid me of the spirit of depression, I also saw how allowing these things to touch me drew me into closer dependence and trust on Him. His power was indeed made perfect in my weakness.

Last week I felt like I was running on empty. I wonder sometimes if it’s just being a woman. Or maybe it’s being a working mom. But other times I realize it’s just part of the human condition. Throughout my brief episode of unhappiness I did persist in joy. Did I feel joyful?! No, not really, but under the surface of my visceral emotions flowed a steady stream of certainty. It was the joy of knowing the Lord held me, even if I couldn’t feel it. It was the river of the Holy Spirit, my faith in Him. So many times when I felt hopeless in my emotions I would simply repeat the same phrases to Jesus.

I trust you.

I love you.

Help me.

Slowly I climbed out of the pit, and I am certain the rope thrown to me was divinely woven in patient love. Though I couldn’t see the way out I never let go of that rope, and He never let go of me. I am reminded of the familiar Psalm, Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.

Thank you, Lord, that my joy is here, it has never left, and it never will.

What We Nurses Must See

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“She’s the one who saved my life today.”

I looked shocked at the older man who matter-of-factly described to his family my job in such a flattering fashion. I had not considered it that way at the time; I had just acted. That’s what I’m supposed to do. But as I left the room later and turned quickly before I started to cry too, just like my patient’s daughter, I realized that yeah, I guess I had saved his life.

I stood at the nurse’s station half an hour later giving report on this man. A man who a couple of hours before had been in respiratory distress, his heart racing at a beat far too fast to last, his eyes bulging with that look of fear and dread someone has when they’re feeling like they might die. He was the man who “had the difficult, demanding family” per the report I’d received at the beginning of my shift. He was the gentleman whose leg I had patted earlier as I told him honestly, “I love you.”

Whenever I heard in shift report that a patient and their family were difficult to please I took it as a challenge. I used to take it with dread, but over the years I’d learned to take it with a grain of salt, or to take it as an opportunity to use my gift. I don’t know if it was my friendly smile or my slow, southern drawl, but for some reason folks just found it difficult to be mad at me. I was what they called “a people person.” I found that strange since I’m a self-declared introvert. I felt uncomfortable talking to acquaintances at a social gathering, but put me in a frightened, sick patient’s room and I flourished.

I had entered his isolation room slowly, announcing my arrival. I had briefly pulled down my mask at the door because I wanted him to see my smile. It was genuine. I had pulled up a stool so I could sit level with his face, and I had grabbed his hand as I spoke. I spent an extra amount of time I didn’t have answering his son’s many questions, and then I had repeated the same answers to his daughter, even though she was present the first time I spoke them. I enjoyed giving people the answers they were seeking.

That afternoon when I had rounded with a specialist I grinned under my mask. It always made me feel good to hear the same reassuring answers I’d spoken before repeated by a colleague. It didn’t bother me that they trusted the words more after they came from a physician’s mouth. Instead I just focused on the fact that I had been given the first opportunity to provide what they needed. It’s like he was reiterating what I had said, and that made me smile. My smile made me remember my prayer that morning in the shower.

I had been so tired. Waking up early, twelve to thirteen hour shifts, and a family to attend to as well. It’s no wonder I was tired, but some days did feel worse than others. Some mornings were more difficult to get going. Some mornings were filled with angst for the upcoming day. Some mornings you just didn’t feel it. You didn’t want to do it. You wanted to crawl back in bed. The thought of others depending so highly on you caused almost a sense of dread. You didn’t even know if you could keep your eyes open on the drive in, much less be held responsible for life and limb.

In the shower I had prayed about my career. “God, if you want me to be able to keep doing this I need you to return my joy for it.”

Ha. When I stood at that man’s bedside, after a day full of decreasing his apprehension and increasing his and his children’s knowledge on his health, and I listened to him describe me so loftily, I felt the joy. I felt the purpose. I felt the calling. I felt the pride, but you know, the pride in a good way. I got to do something really special. It wasn’t just special because it was Nurse’s Week and they were giving us some compression socks for our trouble. It was special because people said I saved their lives, because people cried happy tears over my efforts, because they said thank you for helping them finally understand their dad’s prognosis and listening to their fears. I felt joy that I could be given the power to do that; to lessen anxiety, to give back a heartbeat, or to simply hold the hand of a dying man if no one else was there.

There’s joy in realizing your purpose is higher than yourself. Sometimes you just have to be reminded of that. Nursing is exhausting, often exasperating, and endlessly demanding. But it’s also so much more. It’s the tears of gratitude, it’s the life-saving grace, and it’s the high calling that allows you intimate entry into people’s lives to make a difference they will never forget. He told me that as I left, you know. He said, “I’ll never forget you.”

Something for the Broken-hearted 

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Do you ever come to a broken moment in life? Someone says something hurtful, sometimes intentionally, but other times not. Or perhaps you feel so very stretched thin that you wonder if the world has been using a rolling pin on you. Maybe you’ve reached the end of your rope with a given situation in life, and you feel helpless to change it. You might even feel trapped.

You are not alone.

Maybe it’s mistakes you’ve made that you cannot possibly undo. Perhaps it’s your past that haunts you. It could even be things you have said that you did not mean, or even the things you neglected to say. It could be regret, shame, and a feeling of defeat that weighs so heavily on your shoulders.

Again I say, you are not alone.

In this world we will have sorrow, but Jesus has overcome this world. No matter what you have done in life, what hopeless situation you find yourself in, or how utterly helpless you feel, the Lord can work with it. No job is too messy, too big, or even too small. He cares about the most intimate details, but can overcome the most colossal of mountains in the very same breath.

Perhaps the Lord would whisper to you today, I am doing something new. I’ve brought you to this broken place to show you just how much I can do!

God can make beauty out of dust, and He can certainly turn around life for us. He can turn mourning into joy.
Ecclesiastes 3:11

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

You cannot see what He is working behind the scenes in your life, but if you can hold on, hang on, and trust Him, He will deliver you. He’ll make beauty out of ashes and do more than you can fathom or even imagine.

I Choose Joy

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Today was one of those days. My house was a mess, my to-do list was two miles long, the baby wouldn’t nap, and the dog tried to eat the exterminator when he came. Can’t you just picture me on my porch still in my pajamas, a baby in my arms, yelling at my snarling dog to “cut it out!”

There’s no promises that every day will go as planned. There’s no instruction manual for life that tells me the best way to proceed productively. Well, wait, there kinda is. 

John 10:10

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

The enemy will tell me that I’m not good enough, that I can’t keep my home in order. Whatever that may mean. 

That voice of defeat will tell me that nothing ever goes right for me. It will tell me that my children are ungrateful, and that I’m the only one who does anything around the house. 

That voice of discontent will whisper that my husband doesn’t help me enough, or that he doesn’t notice the many things I do. 

That spinster of lies will try and convince me that tasks are important, and that time with those I love is secondary. He will fuel my frustration and blow holes in my patience with his deception. 

But I won’t choose discontentment. 

I will choose joy. 

When I can’t find time to myself, I will choose joy. 

 
I am blessed to be surrounded by so many people who love me. 

When my house is in disarray, I will choose joy. 

I am blessed to have so many possessions within my sturdy, warm walls. 

When the baby won’t nap, I will choose joy. 

I am blessed with another child that I can hold in my arms. 

When my job is long and hard, I will choose joy. 

I am blessed with a way to help provide for my family. 

When I have to get up early, I will choose joy. 

I am blessed to be able to get out of bed. 

When the enemy tries to point out frustration, I will dig for gold. It’s right there! Sometimes it’s simply disguised as dirt. 

I will count it all as joy. The good Lord doesn’t intend us to live this life in turmoil and discontent, struggling from one moment to the next. He desires us to live life abundantly, finding joy in the mundane and contentment in the clutter. 

But when it comes down to it the choice is ours of who we will listen to. We can either hear the voice of the devil who deceives us to be angry and dissatisfied with our day-to-day, or we can choose the voice of truth who gives us joy to experience life to the fullest if we will only receive it.