Brie Gowen

Savor the Essence of Life

The Unexpected Peace I Found in Pain

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I was a few months away from my thirtieth birthday when my life fell apart. I had a beautiful home, new vehicles shining in the double garage, and the financial stability to add to the rooms of my house pretty much anything my heart desired. Four bedrooms, but basically silent halls. I had a wonderful 9-5, good friends, and who can forget the double shelves of alphabetized DVDs. Life was good. Or as good as life got, anyway. Right?!

I can remember the heartache like no other. My throat was raw with it. The deep pain in my chest rose with bile and acid up my esophagus, and the tears just kept falling. They had not stopped since the night before, and glancing at my red-rimmed eyes in my new car’s mirror made me glad I had not reported to my job site that morning. They would have known immediately.

“What’s wrong with me?!” I wondered.

I drove along an unknown roadway. Despite having tossed and turned most of the night, and regardless of the six pack I had numbly swallowed to help usher in the sandman, I had managed to leave my happy (looking) home early to get to work on time. My promotion had brought along new training, and it seemed the best bit of luck that this particular day would be one spent commuting over an hour to work, alongside strangers who wouldn’t question my melancholy. This was back when I believed in things like luck or coincidence.

“Why am I so unlovable?!” I questioned the pristine interior of my vehicle.

I was almost thirty years old, and I felt like I should be thinking about starting a family. Not this. My mind traveled back to the prior week, how my primary care doctor had questioned my desire for children in light of the birth control prescription she was writing. I didn’t know when she asked why we hadn’t started a family yet. We both wanted children. But in the silence of the rubber meeting the roadway that morning, I knew. I finally understood.

“What did I do wrong?!” I cried.

I racked my brain in the dim, morning light. I tried to be a good wife. I didn’t nag. I kept fit and trim. I had even fixed that flat chest situation. Thank you, Mr. Surgeon. I was a good cook, a complimentary companion, and always quick to concede in an argument. So why did he not want me?

“I don’t want to be married anymore,” he had said the night before.

He had asked me to take a seat, then had spoken the words matter-of-fact, like turning off love and ending a marriage was as easy as changing the color pattern of the living room. Perhaps easier.

“Help me, God!” I cried into the silent car, as I replayed the night before my marriage ended.

God. I still believed in Him. I had never stopped, really. I just hadn’t spoken to Him in a while. In fact, the last time I remembered hearing His voice was before I had gotten married. As things began to heat up in our relationship, some six years prior, I remember the whisper of the Holy Spirit reminding me of something I had learned as a young woman at a discipleship training school overseas. The speaker had cautioned the room full of us young adults about the dangers of “missionary-dating.” You might be familiar with the Bible’s instruction about being unequally yoked, and this was the caution the Lord brought to my mind.

So, over a table full of empty beer bottles, in a smoky bar, I had asked my soon-to-be spouse if he believed in Jesus.

“Of course! I’m Catholic,” he answered with a laugh, and that had been the extent of my prayerful consideration of our relationship.

I don’t want to paint the object of my (then) affection and ex-husband in a bad light. I certainly was no saint, and the point of this story is me. I had ignored the voice of God, His guidance, His Spirit, and relationship with Him for over six years. Yet in the midst of my utter failure and pain, He was the One I cried out to for help.

“Help me, God,” I had cried, and calling for His assistance came as naturally as if I had been doing it all along.

And there, in my pain, He met me. There in my brokenness, He spoke to my heart. The words I heard from the Lord at that moment were like a lightening bolt, yet also, simultaneously, like the whisper of a trusted friend placing their hand on my sagging shoulder and speaking the advice I needed. It’s not important what He said to me in that moment, but I can tell you it rang as one of the truest things that has ever been spoken into my life. It was exactly what I needed in that moment, where I felt so unworthy and unloved, but also what I needed to pick myself up from the mess I was in, and move on from a broken situation I could not control or mend.

I arrived to the alternate job site carrying some things I did not expect to find. Hope for the future, and peace for my current situation. I had been feeling a hurt and pain I couldn’t make my way through, but as I put my car in park in an unfamiliar lot, I knew I could make it with God carrying me. Somehow, and for some reason, He had met me in the midst of my pain. I didn’t deserve an answer. In fact, I had given Him the silent treatment for years. Yet when I cried out in my hurt, my Father answered. I still don’t think I deserved that, but thankfully He is a good, good Father. Compassionate, kind, and unending in mercy.

Life has never been the same since I encountered God in the middle of a lonely highway over thirteen years ago. It didn’t immediately become a pathway of roses, but I do know it began to look up from there. He pulled me from my pit, and I have kept in constant communication with Him ever since. I mean, a God who answers a wayward child who is reaping what she sowed… that is a relationship I could never turn my back on again.

The Lord not only pulled me from my pit, but He filled me with a new song. He gave me a new life, a wonderful husband, beautiful children, a path with purpose, forgiveness, redemption, and all the blessings that are promised in His Word. I haven’t written about my divorce in a long time, but this story has been on my mind lately. Although the circumstances are sad and broken, the healing and restoration is something I never want to forget. I’m so grateful we can serve a God of redemption, who writes us a new story, even when we’ve ripped the pages. He truly makes all things new. This story, while my personal account, is also the story of all mankind. We are all the broken pieces, who had searched for fulfillment in all the wrong places, yet aren’t left on our own. All we have to do is call for help, and He will hear. Even if we haven’t spoken in years. He hears, and He rescues the fallen.

Here’s Your Sign

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I saw this sign outside of a public bathroom in the downtown Orlando area recently, and while I’m sure it’s commonplace in metro areas, it’s actually the first time I had seen this particular pictogram in person. I wasn’t the only one; my nine year old daughter also inquired of its meaning.

“What’s that mean, mom?” She asked, pointing to the half-dress, half-slack clad person.

I measured my words carefully and answered, “there are some people who may not be sure if they’re a girl or a boy. That’s a private bathroom just for them.”

And that was the end of it, for her anyway. I, on the other hand, have thought back on it a time or two. I felt like God was prompting me to speak on this sign, but I was hesitant. See, I have a lot of friends, from many different backgrounds, from all over the world, with varying beliefs, and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt a friend. I believe in speaking truth, but I also believe in not causing pain.

But still, the nudge continued. So I asked myself, “is it possible for a Bible-believing follower of God to talk about the trans community without judgement, but in truth, with love, and in a way that conveys the Father Heart of God?”

Let me try.

Y’all, our world is changing, and it’s changing quickly, right before our eyes. Parents who try to shield their young children from homosexuality will find that difficult if they turn on their television at all, take their kids out in public, or even enroll them in school. You see, what was once taboo is now commonplace, and what might have been hidden merely twenty years ago, is now celebrated. The world is changing, and I think it’s possible to keep up with that without burying yourself in a time capsule underground.

I don’t claim to know everything. I can’t find my keys sometimes, much less the concrete answer to all of life’s dilemmas, but I do know where I go to try and figure it out. I go to God’s Word. There’s a whole lot in there, y’all, and it’s easy to pick out one scripture for our use at the moment without drawing from the truth of others. It’s like our Bible has become a Google search engine, and we enter in a single word, like one word is what makes a person who they are, and we aim that scripture at the issue. For example, you can easily find what the Bible says in regards to homosexuality, but you can utilize that verse without also carrying the commands like found in Corinthians to “do everything in love.” We can ignore the ones we don’t want to hear, like the one that says if you get divorced and remarry you’re guilty of adultery. Well, here I stand an adulterous woman.

When I looked at the depiction of half a woman and half a man, I didn’t feel anger. I didn’t feel righteous indignation as a Christian woman. Instead I felt sad. I felt sad for a human heart that wasn’t sure who to be. I felt sad that it has to be that way. I believe in the Bible where it says God knew us in our Mother’s womb, and that He knew us before we were even formed. In that belief I don’t think God would create specific physical parts but then place a different spirit within that same body. I just don’t. But then (I’m a nurse, after all) I’m reminded of babies that are born with both male and female sex organs. I’m reminded of babies born with deformities of all kinds. Would a loving God do that?!

No.

I think that’s the sin part. This world is far different from the one He created in the Garden of Eden. When sin entered the world, it changed everything. We brought on ourselves sickness, deformity, and sadness. Along came wickedness and people who hurt others. Mothers who don’t care if they neglect their children or harm them physically. Fathers who aren’t really fathers at all. Not like God intended them to be anyway. Fathers who wound their children physically, mentally emotionally, and who raise young men to continue their vicious, poisonous cycle. Sin brought us children who don’t know who they are, adults who can’t decide who they want to be, and people who change who they are hoping that becoming someone else will bring them love.

Love. That is what we are all lacking. When I can’t figure out how to approach a situation, even after reading God’s Word for guidance, I stick to love. The greatest command.

Love makes me cherish the young man who feels better dressing like a young woman. I certainly know that’s how God sees them. He isn’t standing on a cloud up high glaring in anger, posed to throw a lightening rod and holler, “I made you a boy!”

God sees the things we cannot see. God sees the heart of us all. He sees where we hurt, where we feel broken, and where we feel empty. After all, we are all cracked, vacant vessels eager for His love. Those of us (like myself) who have suffered with sexual immorality or alcoholism know all too well how feeling that need for something (love) can make us fill our vessel with whatever we can to feel better. Some fill it with food, becoming morbidly obese. Some fill it with drugs, ruining the lives of everyone close to us. Some will run through numerous relationships and marriages searching to cure the ache. Some will push people away, surrounding themselves with cats, and denying the need for human interaction at all. How about the wealthy man who builds his life on his pursuit of more? Is it not an idol in his life that actually breaks the Ten Commandments?

Here’s a thought. What if the divorced woman (me) is no different that the pedophile? Oh gosh, that can’t be right. What if the transsexual is no different than the girl who gets pregnant out of wedlock, the habitual liar, or the pastor’s wife who gossips at the lady’s meeting about so-and-so who’s not there?! Gulp.

“But Jesus said, ‘go, and sin no more,'” we say.

If only we could. It’s a sin issue, and this world is full of it. We are a broken people just struggling to feel like we’re worth something. The liar lies to make themselves sound better. The man leaves his wife to try and make himself feel happy again. The effeminate young man seeks a partner who will make him feel adored. We ink our skin (three tattoos here), we get plastic surgery (yep, guilty), and we dye our hair (got me again). We put on what makes us feel beautiful, maybe for the first time ever.

I’m not saying this is a sin, or this isn’t a sin; I’m saying it’s all sin. This world is chocked full of it. From the moment we get out of bed until we breathe our last breath, we’ll battle it. Every single person on this planet. It’s not just a sin issue, though. It’s an issue of lack. From the moment sin separated us from God we became lacking, and we’ve spent the last forever trying to make ourselves not feel that way. Thankfully, it’s not just sin that changed everything. Jesus came along, and He changed everything too! He’s that bridge to close the gap, and the best way to usher in His presence is to follow His greatest command He gave us. Love.

I don’t want the first reaction people perceive of me as a Christian to be one where I start highlighting sin in their life. I want them to see the Father Heart of God, and then He can lead them to His truth. That’s what He did with me. It’s what He does with me still! People will never be filled of their empty places by throwing them a Book of the Law, but they will be filled by the Holy Spirit’s wondrous love. And as you fall deeper in love with the Father, the desire to follow His laws come.

Even then, we will not find our complete and total wholeness until Jesus comes back. We can get closer (I’m living proof), but we won’t find all that we lack until Heaven. It’s a sin issue, and we are a busted, broken bunch. Every one. Sin makes God angry. You bet your bottom it does, but He never decides to not love us, give up on us, or turn His back on us because of our sin. He loves His children, all His children, even the children who don’t love Him back. I think sometimes as Christians we think Jesus only died for those who accept His sacrifice, but in reality He died for all, or in His words, even the ones “who knew not” what they were doing.

The forgiveness of sin is for Jesus to give, not the church. He gives out the pardon, and we better be glad, because 9 out of 10 of us have sinned twenty times today and don’t even realize it. I’m thinking that when we see sin around us we shouldn’t be eager to point it out in pride, or turn our nose in disgust, but rather we should have a broken heart like the Father, offer love like He does, and pray that we all may become more aware of the sinful nature we each reside in every day.

So here’s your sign.

John 8:7 (NIV) When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”

1 John 4:10 (NIV) This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.

You’re Not the Man (Or Father) Who Left You

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By all accounts I grew up in a wonderful, loving home. My Daddy was the sort of protective guy who threatened the fella who took me on my first real date that he’d break his legs if he acted inappropriate, drank alcohol while driving, or brought me home past curfew. At the time I remember feeling kinda embarrassed, but honestly, and deep down, I recall feeling like I was floating out the door on a cloud. And it wasn’t because the star quarterback was taking me out to a movie. It was because I knew my Dad really loved me. Yet still…

As the years went by I would grow up always needing that feeling, that emotion that told me I was loved, I was worthy, that I was something special. I was always that clingy girlfriend that asked “whatcha thinking” in the hopes the guy would answer back he was thinking about me. I was the girl who ended up giving her body away, over and over, in an attempt to feel beautiful, desirable, and precious in some sorta way. I craved love like most craved water. Even though I’d grown up adored by my mother and adoptive father, it still wasn’t enough. For some crazy reason it’s the people that don’t love you that stick with you the most. I wish that wasn’t so.

My biological father had left numerous times, but the last being when I was seven. When my mother remarried, and later my Dad wanted to adopt me, it seemed that my biological dad had no problem relinquishing his parental rights. On the surface I was thrilled to have a present father who cared so much for me, and even in my heart I was glad. But deep down, in those dark, rooted places I was hurt. Rejection like a knife dug inside me, the blade turning cruelly back and forth.

Even as an adult woman, the little girl inside me would ask in the night, “why was I so easy to give up? What is it about me that made not loving me so easy?!”

I didn’t want to feel that way! I never wanted to play the victim, and during my brave times I would vehemently deny any hurt or feelings of abandonment and unworthiness. I would play strong, and I would play it well. But in retrospect I can see that the pain caused by the man who leaves you is like a scab that never really heals. It looks fine from a distance, but if you get up close and personal you can see it’s all red, soft, and missing pieces. For so long my heart was like that. Missing pieces.

It wasn’t like it healed properly either. It just set up a cycle. A cycle of me searching for love in all the wrong places, seeking acceptance and affection, creating my personality based on the people around me, people pleasing, never being true to myself, and erroneously basing my self worth on how someone else felt about me.

I recently was talking about divorce with my aunt, and I mentioned how it took years to get over the pain of a broken marriage. Even though my life had moved on, I can still recall one day, three years status post divorce, wondering what it was about me that made my ex-husband want to leave me. A happy second marriage with a great guy, an adorable daughter in my arms, and for some strange reason that little girl inside me would rear her head and ask again, “what was it about me that made not loving me so easy?”

I had spent over thirty years thinking I was the man (or men) who left me. That my identity was somehow built around that. The devil had spent years whispering in my ear that I was the girl who was easy to give up, that I was the awkward teen who got dumped the week of prom, that I was the one-night-stand, that I was the woman whose husband left her, that I was anything but who I really was. Somewhere between knowing about God and really getting to know Him I discovered something. I discovered that I wasn’t the man who left me; I was the creation that God made me to be. My identity wasn’t based on what man or the world said, but what the Lord said about me. His Word sang it over and over to my broken heart, and the more I listened to His song, the more I believed it, the more I healed, and the more able I was to see myself through His eyes.

God said I was His workmanship (Ephesians 2:10), That He knew me before He formed me (Jeremiah 1:5), that I was chosen (1 Peter 2:9), that He had a great future in mind for me (Jeremiah 29:11), that I was adopted (Romans 8:14-15), that I was redeemed and His (Isaiah 43:1), that I was wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14), that I was holy and beloved (Colossians 3:12), that I was created after the likeness of God (Ephesians 4:24), that I was the work of His hand (Isaiah 64:8), that I was precious in His eyes, honored, and He loved me (Isaiah 43:4), that He had numbered every tear I had ever shed (Psalm 56:8), that He rejoiced over me (Zephaniah 3:17), and that I was worth dying for (John 3:16)!

It was a long journey I took from rejection to redemption, but once I saw the truth of who I was in Christ, I never fell for the lie that I was who the world labeled me to be. My identity was in Jesus, I was righteous, totally and completely loved, despite my faults, and I realized that love would never fail me.

When God Hardens a Man’s Heart

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I can remember roughly six years ago reading the Old Testament and I paused at one verse in particular. Well, actually, if you’ve sat down and read the Old Testament through I’m sure you’ll agree that you do a lot of stopping and pondering, but the specific verse I’m referring to was in Exodus.

Exodus 9:12

But the LORD hardened Pharaoh’s heart and he would not listen to Moses and Aaron, just as the LORD had said to Moses.

Upon first reading I naturally couldn’t understand. Why would God turn the heart of a man against those who He found favor in, like Moses and the Israelites? I mean, He wanted His people to go. Later, God would show me why.

But at the time I thought about it throughout the day off and on as I cleaned house, and somewhere between the bathroom sink and tub I felt the Lord speak to me. Have you ever had situations where God speaks to your spirit and it’s so powerful and certain that you have no doubt it’s His voice? Well, I’ve had this happen several times over the years, and this was one of those times. The thing was, in my human mind it made no sense what He said. It didn’t seem to coincide with things I had learned so far in my Christian walk, yet for some reason it just resonated with my spirit as true. I’ll try to explain.

As I stood scrubbing my bathroom I felt the Lord impress strongly upon me, “I hardened his heart. I changed it.”

I knew immediately what He was referring to. Although, at the time, it was about four years since my divorce, I had recently begun having trouble with it. I hated that it bothered me! After all, I had gotten remarried to a wonderful man, and we had started a beautiful family. I was incredibly happy; I had no doubt, yet some strange part of me felt bad about my divorce. I did believe divorce to be a sin, but I had confessed to the Lord my fault in that relationship. I suppose a large part of my pain from my divorce resided in the fact that I felt rejected and unworthy. My ex-husband had come home one day and proclaimed he did not love me anymore.

Anytime you become one flesh with someone you make soul ties that are not easily broken. I had spent years working through the release of this relationship, but what remained was a broken piece of myself that felt I was the kind of woman worth leaving. It had wounded me deeply, following in the heart-steps of my biological father’s abandonment of me, and while I need you to understand that I’m not trying to play the victim card here, I am laying out honestly how my human heart felt after these broken relationships.

So when I felt the Lord tell me that He had hardened my ex-husband’s heart it was like a weight lifted from my shoulders. In that moment I felt a peace about the divorce I had never experienced before, and I have never experienced any sadness or regret about the relationship since. At that moment I gave it completely to Jesus, and I’ve never tried to take the pain back.

You might have a raised eyebrow right now and be asking, “but why would God tell your husband to divorce you?! That’s not Biblical!” And I agree with you. It’s not. The Lord didn’t tell my ex to ask me for a divorce. He made that decision all on his own. But I am of the belief that the Lord did intervene for my life similar to how He worked with pharaoh.

Back to the Old Testament. The thing is, Pharaoh was never gonna let God’s people go. He hardened his own heart towards them multiple times. God knew what Pharaoh was going to do before Pharaoh did. God simply hastened along what the man had in his heart already, for the purposes of His will.

Now, I’m not saying my ex is like Pharaoh, but I am saying this. I do not believe I entered into the marriage seeking God’s will, and I certainly had turned my back to Him at the time. I was living outside of God’s will for my life, and while I don’t believe God would tear apart my marriage (since He is against divorce), I do believe that when he saw my ex-husband’s heart was headed that way, He worked the disaster that was ensuing to His kingdom purposes. My ex was unhappy. He had told me so a year prior to our divorce. He had refused counseling, and rather than us floundering through the unhealthy and damaging, eventual destruction, I believe God hardened that man’s heart to me the rest of the way.

In the midst of the pain of my broken marriage I turned back to God, as human hearts often do in times of trial. I’m slightly ashamed it took such a thing to make me cry out to Him, but I’m grateful He used it to begin bringing me back to the plans He had for my life all along.

So what’s the purpose of this post? Am I preaching? Certainly not. No theologian here, for sure. Am I sharing brokenness, and how I believe that God worked what the devil meant for my harm to His good? Absolutely. You might not agree, and you don’t have to. It’s between the Lord and me what He fulfills in my life. But if you find yourself in a tough spot right now, under condemnation rather than conviction, or under self-loathing rather than seeing yourself worthy in His sight, then I hope this might help you in some small way. Because even in the midst of your worst struggles, biggest failures, and most trying times, God is there. He directs paths, heals hurts, and brings beauty from the ashes for those who turn to His mercy, grace, and forgiveness.

He might even harden a heart if He needs to.

I Still Love My Ex-husband

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I don’t talk about my previous marriage that much anymore. In fact, many of you may not even realize that I wasn’t always married to the wonderful man I am now. I have an ex-husband, and I’ve been divorced. I don’t talk about it much presently because it’s a pain I’ve moved past, or rather God has redeemed me, healed me, and given me a new life. But last night as I considered the topic I wanted to write about this seemed like the perfect example. 

I can still recall one Tuesday night sitting with a group of women from my church. We were discussing forgiveness, and at that moment my heart was completely wrecked. I cried snotty tears to the ladies around me as I confessed, “I hate him! I just hate him!”

It hadn’t started as hate, as I suppose most feelings evolve over time. When my ex-husband first came home and told me he didn’t love me anymore I didn’t hate him; I was hurt, and I suppose that’s how most hate forms. It arrives on the wings of hurt. That night that I cried out for prayer from my friends at church was probably eight years past the day he came home and shattered my false reality that all was well, and in that time I had been through every emotion possible. I had been through devastation that my marriage was falling apart, and then an acceptance that I couldn’t change things or make him happy. I had gone through a period of being friends, being cool, and moving on all nonchalant. Then I had also gone through a period of eye-opening where I not only realized my own faults, but also finally saw clearly just how unhealthy our relationship had been. Somewhere in between the rediscovery of my own self-worth and the regret of past decisions made I became angry at him. Then as time continued my realization of a contaminated marriage, coupled with a lack of relationship with Jesus that I had dwelled in, I just got more and more mad. It wasn’t right, but somehow my heart filled with hate for this man. In my eyes he had hurt me, rejected me, and wasted years of my life that I couldn’t get back. There was more to it than that, but bringing up the specifics now of how I felt wronged and wounded would serve no purpose other than to reopen the cuts I have prayed hard to close. The point is, after years of trying to move on I was stuck in a rut of unforgiveness. 

Matthew 22:36-40New International Version (NIV)

36 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” 37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’[a] 38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”


As I work each day to draw closer to the Lord and to see the world with His eyes I understand even more the importance of love. We are called not only to love those easy to love, but to love even the seemingly unlovable. So when I find myself in a situation where someone hurts me I try to see them as Jesus does. I try to look at them with Kingdom eyes. So, for example, when another woman says something hurtful to me I try to understand what she must have gone through that has made her desire to lash out at others. I’ve come to understand through the years that it’s okay to love from a distance. So when Jesus calls us to love our enemies and to forgive those who have hurt us, He’s not saying we have to invite them over for dinner and share a great conversation at the table, but we are called to love them nonetheless. We are called to not harbor anger or hate in our hearts. We’re called to let go of our pain, let go of how we have been wronged, and let God sort it out. 

I realized that evening in church when I cried out to the other ladies of the congregation that I was only hurting myself further by holding on to anger and pain. My unforgiveness was holding me back from God’s best for me. I was no longer in a place where I could love this man as my husband, but I did need to love him as a fellow creation of my Father. So I do. It feels good to let hurt go and to give it to the ultimate healer of our hearts. When we harbor anger, especially that born of pain, we allow an invisible wedge between the Father and us. Only in our forgiveness can we truly move forward, and only when we see with the eyes of Jesus can we look past our own hurt and heal. 



Is Satan Stealing Our Families?

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This past year I read a book with my daughter called Little House in the Big Woods. You may be familiar with it. It’s the first book written by Laura Ingalls Wilder, and it began the popular Little House on the Prairie series. I don’t recall reading it before, and as I read it to my five year old, I think I enjoyed it even more than she did. Something about the way the family lived, it intrigued me. I love my internet tremendously, but the simplicity and closeness this family shared sounded really wonderful to me. The idea of working together for each other drew me into their little world. Many times as I read the pages aloud I yearned for such a time as the ones described.

I look around today and I wonder if we wouldn’t be better taking a step back in time where we could focus more on important matters, and less on trivial ones. I see the things around me that cause so much unneeded stress, and I truly believe that the principalities and powers of darkness wish to destroy what God has created. God favors families. He favors love, time together, and focus on cultivating those relationships. What I see today is in direct opposition of that, yet those things have developed slowly over time, so much so that we don’t even notice them deteriorating the fabric of family.

Our pre-teens and teenagers are so absorbed in their Snapchat and Instagram that they can’t even come up for air. Not that we notice. We’re buried in our Facebook newsfeed or hottest new game app.

The normalcy of public school education with its ever increasing curriculum demands are swallowed like good medicine. The school year gets longer, testing increases, and hours of homework creep into the family time. So children that already spend 8-9 hours away from home are spending their evening hours doing more projects, reports, and extra credit assignments.

Mom and dad are too exhausted to help much. They’re tired because they’re putting in more hours. Dual working parents are the majority. And while the cost of living has definitely increased over time, I wonder how much of our “necessities” are truly that? We work more to be able to buy more, yet we hardly have time to enjoy all our purchases. We save all year long for a week long vacation that leaves us exhausted and in need of a day off from our off days.

A lot of our hard-earned money is spent on activities. So. Many. Activities. We spend more time driving to activities, purchasing gear, costumes, and accessories for our activities, or working on our off days to raise funds for our activities. Activities where we watch other people teach, coach, and mentor our children. Is this the time together we’re craving? Makes you think.

Time together doesn’t cost a dime

If you had to sit down and add up how much quality time you spend alone with your spouse, what would it be? What about your children? And not time doing and going. Just time. Is it less time than you spend on your weekly commute to work?

It makes you wonder if divorce is more prominent today because it’s become socially more acceptable, or could it be because we’re spending less time enjoying the company of our spouse? Would children get in less trouble if they had a present parent/parents available to guide them? They say it takes a village to raise a child, but I’m wondering if we’ve taken that too far. Now we just want the village to take care of them. And then when our children fall down and fail we can have teachers, coaches, and the church to blame for their demise.

This is hard stuff to think about. It’s taking everything we’ve called normal over the past few decades or more and realizing that it’s actually destroying the family unit. Our kids are playing ball 3-5 times a week until 10pm, and the parents are working 60 hours a week to keep designer duds on the kiddos lest they get bullied for wearing WalMart brand clothing. Everyone has a TV in their room, a cell phone in their pocket, and a brand new car in the drive-way yet none of that will go to Heaven with us. We’re working very hard providing material possessions for our children, when in all reality we should be on our knees with them leading them to a closer walk with Jesus. Eternal life is what we should want for our kids, not the best education money can buy. And while I’m all for giving them a bright future, I don’t want to give them the world if it forfeits their soul. When my grown children look back on life I want them to have memories of time well spent rather than spending all the time. I gotta work on this! I don’t have it all figured out either, but I’d like to think my eyes are open enough to see that Satan wishes to destroy us.

Satan wants us tired, worn thin, and stressed. He wants us in debt up to our eyeballs, and our health failing because we can’t sleep enough, eat right, or handle our stress effectively. He wants husbands and wives fighting over finances, disrespectful teens who learned how to treat their parents based off Nickelodeon sitcoms, and thousands of young children sexually abused by the adults we’re so quick to place our trust in. He wants us busy, but not productive. He wants our plates full, but our tank empty. He wants us looking to society for what’s best for our families, not God’s word as a lamp to our feet. He wants the family unit ripped apart, and many times I look around and see us letting him. We’re not even trying to take a stand.

I’d like to believe that it’s not too late. We can still fight to save our families. Perhaps it all comes down to stepping out in wisdom, courage, and truth for our family. In a world that’s so busy Keeping Up With the Kardashians, maybe it’s time to be a Little House on the Prairie. What do you think?

*Of note, this isn’t meant to offend anyone. It’s just meant to trigger thinking about it. I’m certainly a work in progress.

3 Things God Will Not Do in Your Marriage

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I think most people who live on this earth as Christians desire to conduct their marriages according to the principles set forth by God, and I think that’s great. The Bible is full of instructions and guidelines to help point you in the right direction for a happy, Holy union. The question is, though, do we always get it right?

Absolutely not. As fallible humans we will fall short, and God gets that. The goal for wives is to strive to be a Proberbs 31 woman, or for husbands to treat your wife as Christ treats the church. We all need practice, and that’s fine. But there are some instances that just absolutely go against scripture. These things we must not do if we really want a marriage that honors the Lord.

It’s easy when you fall to call it God’s will, or to imagine God’s hand at work in your life when you crumple under sin. There are some things, no matter how much God loves you and directs your life, that you cannot do in His name.

Although the Lord has power over your life He will not do these things in your marriage.

1. God will not lead you to adultery. So say you’re unhappy in your marriage. Then suddenly you meet this nice fella (or lady) at work. He’s a wonderful Christian, a great listener, and really seems to care about your feelings. Unlike your husband.

You start eating lunch together, spending time pouring out your heart on break, and the next thing you know you’re having romantic feelings. This person is so right for you! It must be God! God has placed this perfect person in your path!

No. No, no, no.

If you are married God will not place an opportunity if front of you to tarnish the union you have sworn to in His name. When He says what I have put together, let no man separate; He means just that.

2. God will not lead you away from your spouse. Perhaps you and your spouse have ended up on two different planes. Maybe you started the marriage on the same page, but now you are different. It’s possible you have deepened your relationship with the Lord, and your spouse has not. In that clash of differing spiritual/relational levels there is strife in your marriage.

God does not lead you to divorce, and while it is important to be equally yoked, the Lord does not favor the severing of marriage. One flesh isn’t something to take lightly, so when differences and difficulties arise divorce is not the right answer.

I will never claim to be perfect, nor will I hide my past. I have suffered the scars and shame of divorce. I was not following close to Jesus at that time, and when my ex-husband told me he didn’t want to be married anymore I accepted that with little fight. God came and helped me through the aftermath of my broken marriage, but He didn’t lead me to divorce.

I am so happy with my current husband. Happier than I have ever been. I can’t imagine a life apart from him, but I don’t think it was God’s will for me to get divorced. For that matter, though, I don’t think it was His will for that first marriage to happen. Hindsight is 20/20. But I digress.

The point is, God doesn’t condone divorce. Can He forgive someone who has suffered through divorce? I believe so. I believe God forgives all His children who come in honest repentance and turn from their sinful ways. Can He heal someone after divorce? Absolutely! I’m living proof.

But does God lead you away from your spouse? No. Never. That’s not God. I’m sorry.

3. God will not change your spouse for you. This is a hard concept to accept. It’s always what we cling to when marriage gets hard. When our spouse is difficult and calling it quits is on the forefront of our minds we hold tight to the old adage that God can change their heart for us. And He can. But He won’t.

Let me clarify.

God will not change your spouse for you. But He will change your spouse for His glory. What I mean is this. Many, many times when we are at odds with our spouse we pray in a certain way.

We pray, “God, make my husband be more attentive to me.”

Or, “God, make my husband be a better provider.”

“Notice me more.”

“Compliment me.”

“Get a better job.”

Maybe even, “get off his lazy butt.”

What do all these pleas have in common? Me, me, me.

Listen, God loves you. God wants you to have a happy marriage, and to have a spouse who treats you like you deserve to be treated. In fact, He commands such treatment in His word. But God wants you to treat your spouse as they deserve also, and that starts with desiring the best for them.

You must desire change for your spouse not simply for yourself, but for their benefit. You should desire that your spouse grow closer with the Lord not so that your life will be easier, but so that their life will prove more abundant. Your job is to desire God’s best for your spouse, not desire how God can make the relationship best for you.

By all means, pray for your marriage. Pray without ceasing. Just understand that while God does want to please you and answer your prayers, that He wants most for your heart to be right. He honors selfless prayer. He honors marriage. He honors growing His relationship with you and your spouse collectively while also strengthening the bonds of marriage.

So in essence God can change hearts, and He can turn your spouse’s heart towards Him, and in that change them. But He’s not simply changing them for you. Understand that.

The good news is that while God may not do these three things in your marriage, there’s plenty of great things that He can do! When hope seems lost, Christ can. When your marriage seems to be failing, God can heal it. Keep your eyes on Him, trust in His promises, and align your personal walk to one that honors both Him and your marriage.

*In this post I write mostly from a wife’s point of view. This isn’t to say the husband is the only party ever who is far from the Lord, or that only wives cheat. I wrote from the gender perspective most comfortable to me. My own. The situations are interchangeable. Also this friendly advice is meant for general purpose only. I cannot speak to spousal abuse issues, nor am I a certified marriage counselor. I’m just a woman who loves her husband and Jesus, and likes to share about both.

What You May Forget About Children of Divorce

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Today I was loading some items I had picked up from the store into the back of my minivan when I noticed a large portion of the cargo area was already occupied. There, abandoned in the back of our van, sat a cherished, yet forgotten Christmas present that belonged to my stepdaughter. As I looked at the happy, singing girl displayed on the karaoke machine box I felt sorry for my stepdaughter. It would be two more weeks before the box was opened again. 

I see so many stories circulating on my social media that display amicable adults agreeing to get along for their children’s sake, and while I too celebrate the attitude of these broken couples, I think they serve to blur our minds of the hurt that divorce can’t help but cause. 

Yes, I will agree with the masses that an angry, arguing husband and wife are doing no favors for their children, but it does still sadden me that divorce seems in the end like the only answer available to make things better. Because, in the end it doesn’t. Not completely, and certainly not for the child who is a product of a broken home. 

Seeing my stepdaughter’s gift was just a reminder of some of the things she must go through in life. Yea, it’s cool that she gets two Christmases and all, but what about the fact that immediately after experiencing the excitement of opening some of her presents, she has to pack her bags and leave it behind until the next scheduled visitation?

What about possible jealousy over her other biological siblings? The ones who get to have mom and dad together all the time. 

As a child of divorce myself I see things in a light that others may not. I was superbly blessed with a stepfather who quickly became my adoptive dad, but that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t without difficulty for me. 

I can recall trust issues, and being worried that my new dad would leave, or that our happy home would inevitably end in divorce. 

I can recall cousins telling me I wasn’t “really” part of the family. They weren’t trying to be cruel; kids just speak without filters. 

I can remember being treated differently by grandparents to which I had no blood relation. I know they didn’t mean to, but there it was, and I noticed. 

I can even admit with shame that after my mother passed away I had rogue thoughts that my dad would no longer love me the same, that perhaps without the familial tie of my mom, that he would push me aside in favor of his biological children. 

I sadly can’t stop the feelings of rejection that show up unannounced asking what about me made my biological father turn his back without regret. 

I have been through a divorce, and so has my current husband. We didn’t plan for it to happen, and it’s not something we wanted for our lives, but it happened. Now my husband and I both live with the ramifications of our past, and while we currently strive for a marriage that pleases the Lord, we are completely aware that a young lady in our presence part-time suffers the consequences of a broken home and the struggles inherent with shuffling back and forth. 

She is loved. She is loved so deeply by us, and by her other family. She is adored by her sisters in both families. But I worry for her still if it is enough. I was loved like crazy, yet I still suffered self-esteem and trust issues as a result of divorce. I desire so much for my stepchild, and while I would change nothing about my own life, and am certain of my current marriage, I sometimes wish I could erase divorce for her sake. 

It’s easy to say, “well, it’s best for the children,” and to forget that despite our best efforts, a broken marriage does also break the children. Not always beyond repair, but they are negatively impacted nonetheless. 

As it stands, we just keep on loving her. Sometimes I think we love her even harder in our efforts to make her feel like she belongs. Yet sometimes I see a distant look in her eyes, one that I’m personally familiar with, and my heart breaks for her all over again. 

What It Feels Like to Be a Divorced Christian

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It happens, you know? You’re sitting around with a group of wonderful, Christian women talking about good, God stuff when suddenly you feel a bit uncomfortable. You’re doing fine as the conversation gets into full swing talking about wholesome family values and the importance of the family unit in today’s society. You’re like, yeah, I totally feel the same way! Love me some family and values!

But then it happens. Someone says the dreaded ‘D’ word and you cringe. Someone says that divorce is to blame for the downfall of families, and you just want to crawl under a rock. The ashamed, hurt woman inside you wants to whisper, I’m sorry, Lord.

I’m a divorced woman. I’m a Christian, but I have also been divorced. 

I never let the shame consume me, thank God, but for a long time I honestly did. That’s what it’s like to be a divorced person who also happens to love Jesus. You feel guilt, and you feel shame and regret for a past relationship that fell apart right before your very eyes. 

I never planned to get a divorce. It’s not like I stood at the altar with the idea in the back of my mind, well, if it doesn’t work out I can always jump ship. I married with the intention and plan of forever, but I honestly didn’t treat my marriage then like God intended for me to do. I didn’t live my life as a whole like He would want for me, and though I never wanted the divorce, looking back now I’m not surprised that things fell apart. I was different then. 

And the thing is, I’m different now. So when I am reminded that divorce is a sin, that it’s an affront to God and His design for families I want to say, “I know! I’m not that woman anymore!”

Now I am a woman with her eyes fixed on Jesus. Now I’m a woman determined to have a marriage that pleases the Lord. Now I’m a woman that will give every bit of my energies to keep my marriage happy, healthy, and holy. I am a woman who has learned from her mistakes, a woman whose new marriage is better, stronger. But I am also a divorced woman, and though God has forgiven me of my past sins I still remember them. So when the word “divorce” is brought before me a part of me wants to hide my scarlet face. I am not perfect. And that’s what it is like to be a divorced, Christian woman. It’s a continuous exercise in the confrontation of past mistakes. 

I know all the verses that should give me strength about pressing on and looking forward. I know I am forgiven, and He has wiped the slate clean. I know my job is to take the failures of my past and use them, learn from them, and become a better me. So I do. I do just that. But it’s not always easy being the divorced Christian. 

Jesus told the woman at the well to “go and sin no more,” and I suppose that is the best I can do with what I have. I can pick up the broken pieces of my self-esteem, I can hold my head up high, and I can embrace the gift of the spouse that God has given to me in my second-chance marriage. 

Every day when I look at my husband’s face I am confronted with God’s grace, for even though I fell short before of His glory, He still blessed me with the man I now call my spouse. Grateful doesn’t even cover it. 

Each time it happens, that someone mentions the sin of divorce in my presence, it gets a little easier. I shrink back less and less. And as I draw closer to God’s forgiveness and healing I am reminded that He has made all things new. 

Even a sinner like me.