Brie Gowen

Savor the Essence of Life

Why You Shouldn’t Move In Together Prior to Getting Married

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I’ll start by saying this isn’t a judgmental post. I will be the first to tell you I’ve made many mistakes in my life, and living together with a man or two is definitely one I consider regrettable. So with that being said, anytime I feel like sharing some advice I’ve learned the hard way, please understand it’s with a heart of love. I hate for someone to experience the past pain I have seen in my time. Retrospect is a lovely animal, and it’s with that 20/20 vision I approach this subject, not from some pristine pedestal. Okay?

I recall hearing the advice growing up that getting married is like buying a car. You want to take it for a test drive before you make the purchase. It’s with that insight into relationships that I moved forward. If it made me feel good for a bit then that was enough. There wasn’t the outlook of “is this what’s best for my future?”

And that’s how a majority of society sees relationships. We have become a selfish society that focuses far too much on me, me, me. Look at your social media sites packed full of selfies, if that tells you anything. We do what feels good for the moment with little thought to tomorrow, and we lose our confidence in our fellow man along the way. Women settle for a guy who throws them a bone of attention, and not much is considered along the lines of a future mate. Ladies don’t ask, “will he be a good husband,” or even a “good father.” They instead celebrate something as simple as a return text message or flirty Snapchat. 

Dating is hard. I remember. But I believe to find a partner who respects you as something special and worthy you must demand that respect. I don’t mean “demand” in a harsh manner. I think of something my grandma used to say. “Why pay for the cow when you can get the milk for free?”

Here’s my thoughts. They may not be yours, but for what it’s worth, here’s mine. This will be the way I raise my daughters. I will tell them, “your body is precious. It’s a gift. Don’t let anyone have it so carelessly. Sex is a beautiful covenant making you one flesh with your partner, and it’s something better kept until marriage.”

What happens when you become one flesh with “John,” but then it doesn’t work out? So then you go become one flesh with “Phillip.” Then “Steven,” and so forth. By the end of all your broken relationships you’ve spread your self all over the place. Your spirit has connected with so many people that you’re left splintered and torn. You’ll feel pretty beat up and broken, actually. 

Once again, I have been down a wrong road more than once, and I can tell you that years of brokenness and rejection is no way to exist. Thank God, who brings healing, but it takes years, and some scars are left stubbornly behind to infect future relationships. 
Well, what about if you’ve found your soulmate? You’ve found the one for whom your heart yearns, and together you decide “let’s move in together.” This is pretty common. I guess my question would be “why?”

Why move in together prior to getting married? It’s to try it out, right? You want to make sure you’re compatible before you take the step to get married. I can get that, but let’s dissect it for a minute. 

Do you love this person? Can you see yourself marrying them?

If no, cut it off. End it now. No point in dragging it out for years and suffering the pain of a break up later. 

If the answer is yes then why do you need a trial of living together? I’ll just go ahead and save you the suspense. Living with someone is hard. It’s going to be hard either way, but if you love the person and you’re dedicated to a future together then make that commitment. Work together to solve your differences. Show your partner that you believe in the relationship enough that you’re willing to commit from the get-go. No one wants to be somebody’s trial basis, money back guarantee. Talk about a self esteem wrecker. 

If you care about someone enough that you want a future with them then you should be bold enough to step out and do things according to God’s directives. Don’t be a stumbling block for your future spouse. Show them that they’re special enough that you know right now you want to spend the rest of your life together. Because if you’re not sure you’re just being selfish with their emotions. You’re using them because it feels good now. You don’t know if it will feel good later, and that stinks. As a woman nothing breaks your self worth like a man not being willing to say they can foresee a life with you. 

If you truly love someone you will respect their body, their heart, and their spirit. You’ll respect their feelings of self worth and you’ll cultivate their confidence in not only themselves, but also in your relationship by making a lifelong commitment that honors God. If you aren’t sure then maybe you should move on and work on you for a bit. 

Nothing is quite so tender as the human heart. It’s made to be loved, to be special, and to be worth committing to. That’s the only way it will ever feel complete. In my opinion if you live together outside of marriage there’s always a back door. The other person always knows in the back of their mind, “hey, they can jump ship, no penalty anytime.” I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. It actually makes you feel pretty ordinary and disposable. Not special at all. 

Like I said at the beginning, this isn’t a judgement call. It’s simply an observation after years with a broken heart. Eventually you learn the hard way. I just thought I might save you the trouble. 

3 Ways to Be a Wife Who Empowers Her Husband

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I see and hear so many ladies out there looking for a man who can be the strong, dependable partner they desire, and while there’s nothing wrong with being an independent, self-sustaining woman, I see that many females want the same thing. They want a partner in life who can help them succeed as a unit. They desire to have a spouse who is strong and can hold them up in times of weakness, a man who can lead his family through struggles and provide adequately for them. 

Perhaps you’re currently searching for this knight in shining armor, or maybe you’re already married but sometimes wish your spouse was more assertive and dependable when troubles flare up in life. Regardless of your current situation there’s something you should know. There is no perfect man. 

If you’re looking for Mr. Perfect you’re not going to find him, but you can locate Mr. (just) Right for you. And you can do a few things to help cultivate your relationship and empower your man to be that tower of strength in your marriage. Here’s a handful. 


1. Encourage him. 

Every one of us thrives on praise. You might think that women need this the most, and while compliments are very important to a lady, you’ll find males flourish under encouragement as well. 

Husbands enjoy a wife who is their best cheerleader. They love knowing you’re in their corner ready to defend and support them. Just as women like their efforts noticed, so too do men. And they multiply their efforts when they see you’re paying attention. 

Offering acknowledgement, positive reinforcement, and encouragement for the hard work, dedication, and efforts of your husband will spur him forward to fight harder for your relationship, family, and life. It’s not a game, but just honestly voicing appreciation for your husband. It’s a verbal acknowledgement of his actions. 

Sometimes the first step in being able to do this is taking your focus off what you’re doing. As a woman it’s easy to see all the many things we do around the home and for the relationship, but only seeing your own efforts makes you blind to the work your husband is putting forth. 

Take your focus off yourself and strive to see his efforts. As you do this, then acknowledge his work, you might find the added benefit that your husband is inspired and empowered to serve your family as the strong leader God intended. 

2. Pray for him. 

Nothing has more power over a relationship than faithful intercession. You cannot change your mate, no matter how hard you try (or nag), but God is always capable of changing hearts and providing the wisdom and motivation required for positive growth. 

Pray without ceasing, but test your own heart also. Question yourself to ensure that your prayerful petitions for your spouse are not selfish ones. God might have a problem honoring requests that are selfish in nature. Ask is my prayer for my spouse for his best interest or just my own? 

As you faithfully and selflessly pray for your spouse God can provide him the strength, motivation, perseverance, and wisdom required to lead your family and cultivate your marriage relationship. 

3. Surrender control of your family. 

I purposely placed this one last because I think it’s the hardest for us. This morning I read this verse, and it’s so true. 

Genesis 3:16 (NLT)

Then he said to the woman, “… and you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.”

Yikes! It’s not as bad as it sounds. God’s design for marriage is actually brilliant. It does place man as the leader of the family, but it also instructs him in his duties to his wife. Man doesn’t rule over his spouse with an iron fist, but rather a protective, supportive hand of comfort. He loves her as Christ loves us all, and as a couple grows into a Godly relationship as the Lord intended it becomes a beautiful thing that no one can bring down. 

But it all starts with us, ladies. To allow your man to lead the family you have to loosen the purse strings and let go of full control of the reigns. No man can be the strong husband you desire if you’re constantly taking the lead. 

As a supportive wife it’s important to empower your husband by allowing him to make decisions, and then more importantly not grumbling about them or instructing him in the way it really should be done!

It’s about supporting his decisions and cultivating his ability to lead. No man can reach the full potential God has for him as a family leader if his wife is constantly cutting him off and taking over. 

So you think you’re always right? How can your husband learn to lead you if you can’t see past your own throne? If you’re constantly tooting your own horn he’ll accept defeat and take a back seat, and you will have no room to gripe about it then. 

Marriage is a wonderful thing. It’s a 50/50, give and take partnership based on mutual respect. Each partner has strengths and weaknesses, and also areas where they fit best in the design God puts forth in scripture. 

As women we have a wonderful responsibility and undertaking to assist our husbands in achieving the role the Lord has for them. So let’s get to it!

What It Feels Like to Be a Divorced Christian

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It happens, you know? You’re sitting around with a group of wonderful, Christian women talking about good, God stuff when suddenly you feel a bit uncomfortable. You’re doing fine as the conversation gets into full swing talking about wholesome family values and the importance of the family unit in today’s society. You’re like, yeah, I totally feel the same way! Love me some family and values!

But then it happens. Someone says the dreaded ‘D’ word and you cringe. Someone says that divorce is to blame for the downfall of families, and you just want to crawl under a rock. The ashamed, hurt woman inside you wants to whisper, I’m sorry, Lord.

I’m a divorced woman. I’m a Christian, but I have also been divorced. 

I never let the shame consume me, thank God, but for a long time I honestly did. That’s what it’s like to be a divorced person who also happens to love Jesus. You feel guilt, and you feel shame and regret for a past relationship that fell apart right before your very eyes. 

I never planned to get a divorce. It’s not like I stood at the altar with the idea in the back of my mind, well, if it doesn’t work out I can always jump ship. I married with the intention and plan of forever, but I honestly didn’t treat my marriage then like God intended for me to do. I didn’t live my life as a whole like He would want for me, and though I never wanted the divorce, looking back now I’m not surprised that things fell apart. I was different then. 

And the thing is, I’m different now. So when I am reminded that divorce is a sin, that it’s an affront to God and His design for families I want to say, “I know! I’m not that woman anymore!”

Now I am a woman with her eyes fixed on Jesus. Now I’m a woman determined to have a marriage that pleases the Lord. Now I’m a woman that will give every bit of my energies to keep my marriage happy, healthy, and holy. I am a woman who has learned from her mistakes, a woman whose new marriage is better, stronger. But I am also a divorced woman, and though God has forgiven me of my past sins I still remember them. So when the word “divorce” is brought before me a part of me wants to hide my scarlet face. I am not perfect. And that’s what it is like to be a divorced, Christian woman. It’s a continuous exercise in the confrontation of past mistakes. 

I know all the verses that should give me strength about pressing on and looking forward. I know I am forgiven, and He has wiped the slate clean. I know my job is to take the failures of my past and use them, learn from them, and become a better me. So I do. I do just that. But it’s not always easy being the divorced Christian. 

Jesus told the woman at the well to “go and sin no more,” and I suppose that is the best I can do with what I have. I can pick up the broken pieces of my self-esteem, I can hold my head up high, and I can embrace the gift of the spouse that God has given to me in my second-chance marriage. 

Every day when I look at my husband’s face I am confronted with God’s grace, for even though I fell short before of His glory, He still blessed me with the man I now call my spouse. Grateful doesn’t even cover it. 

Each time it happens, that someone mentions the sin of divorce in my presence, it gets a little easier. I shrink back less and less. And as I draw closer to God’s forgiveness and healing I am reminded that He has made all things new. 

Even a sinner like me.