Brie Gowen

Savor the Essence of Life

I Finally Found Where I Fit In!

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I can recall receiving a specific message tailored just for me from a visiting prophet when I was twenty-one years old. His words were like a soothing balm, the proclamation I had always wanted in life, whether I realized it or not. He didn’t know me personally, yet the accuracy of his comments struck a chord with my misfit heart, and I have remembered them always.

He had spoken, “you feel like an outcast, like you’ve never fit in. But God wants you to know He has a place for you. You’ve always felt like a square peg, and God is saying He has a square hole in mind just for you.”

These encouraging words were just what I needed. I had always felt like an outsider in life. I was the girl in school who tried to hang out at the “cool kids’” lunch table, but had somehow never been able to take a seat there. I didn’t feel welcome.

As a child I was the new kid, from out West, with the weird accent. Totally tubular.

Or I was the sick kid. Epilepsy. Not a well-known condition in small-town U.S.A.

I was the adopted kid, never really fitting in with all the cousins. Treated differently by the grandparents even if they didn’t mean it to be that way.

I was the little girl who was so ordinary that her biological father had left town, never looking back at the daughter he rejected.

I was the quiet girl in school. Pretty, but odd. Puberty didn’t hit until I was seventeen, and I was the last cheerleader who still admitted to playing with Barbies or frogs.

In all the Howard Hughes’ films of the eighties, the outcasts and misfits at least had their own clique. Even The Nerds got their revenge.

But I didn’t fit in anywhere. I couldn’t find my group, and went through most of my young life trying way too hard to find my niche. A loner. Maybe even a loser.

I was born again at the age of 19. I can remember feeling such acceptance into God’s family, but it seemed short-lived. I’ll never say this was anyone’s fault but my own. I know my own perceptions are often to blame. It was probably the devil at work in my feelings, and perhaps in the actions of others as well. Regardless, I never felt like I fit into the Church. Most of my Christian peers had been raised in a deep faith, and I was still learning to read the Bible. I didn’t understand all the rules, of what was good, or what was definitely bad. I was on a learning curve when it came to taboos of the Christian walk, and those who corrected me were not usually gentle. Sadly, I have way too many instances of harsh correction by my “sisters” in faith, and I know I have healing still left from those encounters.

I had a past, but one thing I learned about people was, ones outside the church didn’t care about that stuff. They didn’t give a hoot about what I wore, if I watched an R rated movie, or if I had saved myself for marriage. It was much easier to get along with the people who skipped Sundays all together, and so began a season of being apart from God.

It makes me wonder, is backsliding the result of sinful influence outside the church, or is it perhaps the realization one haves that they’ll never be good enough to have a place at the table of religion?

Oh, but Grace. Great, great grace.

I have finally found my place. I have finally found where I fit. For awhile I thought the place that prophet spoke of over twenty years ago was a certain space. For years I wondered where God would move me, or what group of friends He would put in my path. Still corrupted by the ways of this world, and still scarred by past rejection, I still tried to make myself fit. I attempted to insert myself in this women’s group or that ministry opportunity. I allowed my belief system to be that of the majority to which I wanted to conform, knowing that to sit at the table, there are certain standards you must uphold, and certain opinions you must keep inside. The thing is, no matter how much I tried to mold myself into the Godly women I admired, the more unqualified I felt. I wasn’t the trendy mom, the crafty homeschooler, or the first hand up to volunteer for watching the nursery on Sunday. I didn’t like being busy, spinning plates, or overwhelming my schedule. Then I had this habit of seeing the best in others, trying to walk in the shoes of the “sinners,” and remembering far too easily the past I had previously mentioned. I wanted to give money to a guy on the street without worrying if he was going to spend it wisely! I wanted to believe that each time a drug addict ended up in my hospital bed, that they would stop using, and change their life. When others whispered about a short skirt on Sunday, I remembered a “church lady” making me leave a meeting because my t-shirt said the word “suck” on it.

My weird ideas have often left people confused. My fair treatment of those different than myself has made me unpopular in certain circles. In fact, the last year has found me ousted from the table of many of my Christian friends, simply for speaking topics not allowed for discussion. I guess we could call them “square peg” topics in the circular world of religion.

I felt so hurt. I felt the rejection all over again. Kindness was met with anger, and I trudged away licking my wounds. I guess sometimes you think you’ve found the place where God has you to fit in, only to discover you’ll never fit! We aren’t meant to fit in the pretty, round spaces this world provides. It turns out the edges have hidden rough spots, and you can get a face full of splinters, even as others have planks in their eyes.

When I read the Bible, though, I felt like I fit. When I read, re-read, meditated, and prayed over the words of Jesus, I felt totally at home. In His warm embrace I found my place, and in His love I found me.

I’m not in any way trying to lessen the importance of gathering with fellow believers. I truly belief that finding a church home, surrounded with brothers and sisters in Christ is much needed. Relationships are beneficial! The support, counsel, and correction of other believers is required in this confusing walk of life. So, don’t get me wrong, here. I’m not saying to throw out the baby with the bath water. But I am saying that some dirt and grime can get in the way sometimes.

Some people in this world find their place like the perfect glove. For others, they always feel like an outcast. I think it’s good to understand that if you don’t feel like you fit, you’re in good company. Jesus never fit in with the religious leaders of His day, either. People will misunderstand you, they will hurt you, or they’ll unknowingly (perhaps, knowingly) push you out. But at the table of the Father, there’s always a seat saved for you. Right next to Christ. It’s in His love we find our perfect place. It’s in His love that we finally fit in.

I Don’t Identify as a Woman

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I’ve heard this in the media a lot lately, and last night as I sat slightly uncomfortable in a huge gathering of women, I felt it.

I don’t identify as a woman.

As hard as I have tried over the years, especially in high school, and as much as I may want it to be different, I just don’t feel it. I don’t. I don’t guess I’ve ever identified as a woman.

A couple of weeks ago I sat in church and they announced an upcoming Women’s Conference. The video made it look very appealing, but there was that large part of me that was like, “nah. I’m good.”

See, I’m not really a joiner, especially where women are concerned. I don’t fit in, I never have, and many years ago I stopped trying. I just wasn’t like them. I couldn’t get into the whole “girls’ night out,” and I didn’t trust ladies any further than I could throw them. Which isn’t far. Because even if they’re little, I’m really weak. But I digress. The point is, well, I’m going to be very honest here. I don’t like females.

Ok, I love being a woman. I love having daughters. But somewhere between being the new kid in third grade and being the butt of a bully’s angst in high school, I decided I could take it or leave it where female friendships were concerned. Actually, leave it. Definitely leave it.

The thing is, God has really been dealing with me. He’s been teaching me new things over the past couple of years, stretching me, and taking me to new levels of trust with Him. Selling all my possessions and moving my family of five 800 miles away from all our extended family and friends? No problem. Taking on a job with zero insurance or paid time off? Easy peasy. That same travel position having no security of employment and income or knowledge of where the next job would come from? Bring it on! But stepping out of my turtle shell of introversion? I’m sure that wasn’t the voice of God.

So when I heard about the Women’s Conference I was of two minds. One said, go, but the other said hide.

“Oh, man. I work a shift at the hospital that day. Too bad,” I thought, with little upset.

But dang it. Still that feeling nagged me to go.

“Okay, God,” I prayed. “I’ll try and see if I can get off work. If you really want me to go, make it work.”

I challenged Him, and of course, He challenged me right back. I got the day off easily, no matter how much I told my boss, “I know this is last minute, so it’s ok if you can’t…”

Despite my dislike of most women, because let’s be honest, we’ve all lived through our own version of the Mean Girls movie, I do have a handful of trusted women in my life. It just so happened that most of them were my immediate family, and the rest were a thousand miles away. Undeterred, I went ahead to the conference alone, the Holy Spirit my plus one, and I asked God to use it for my growth.

Immediately upon arriving I realized there were women everywhere. I didn’t know any of them and I really didn’t like crowds, but I checked in with a smile and went to find a seat. I found a back row with a few open spots, settled into one, then was kindly asked to move over so a group of friends could sit next to their friends. I moved into the one empty seat, directly behind a large column blocking my view of the stage. I got up quickly and repeated this same sidestep seat swap another time before finally finding a vacant spot where a group of women were kind enough to let me linger.

At that moment I felt so alone in that big crowd. I watched women laughing and socializing with one another. I smiled brightly, watching, waiting, hoping for someone I could try and engage, but still I felt like an outsider. I had always felt that way. I had never fit in. I had always been the weirdo, the one other women talked about when I walked away. It had taken me years, decades even, to stop trying to fit in. I had finally, at forty, come to a place in my life where I was happy with how God made me, I wasn’t going to try and change for anyone, and I didn’t care what anyone thought! Ha. I felt peace with me. So why was God upsetting the balance?! Why push me to (I shudder) hang out with others.

The preacher was no better! He had said something six months or so ago that started this thorn in my side. It’s like he had been staring straight at me when he said God wanted us loving others, building relationships, and stepping out of our comfort zone. He deflated my balloon of intimate introversion, going so far as to say it wasn’t of God. Well, crap.

Next thing I knew God kept building on that, putting desires in me to join Outreach teams and small groups. All things that were outside of my wheelhouse. My safety net, my equally shy and shut-in spouse, he was no help. In an out of character for him fashion, he readily agreed to my suggestions of “getting involved.”

As I sat in that church last night, my wounded flesh wanted to scream, “I don’t belong here!” That bullied, flat-chested, anorexic teenager in me wanted to dwell on having no one to sit by or being ignored and pushed aside.

Instead I spoke in a whisper, “not today, satan.”

Y’all, I’ve never identified as a woman in that, I’m not like most. I have been hurt, and I’ve been pushed into my warm cocoon. I’ve made my circle so small that it no longer has room for God to work in my life the things He needs to work. So, He’s been calling me out of my circle of safety. He’s been calling me to step out and (gulp) make friends. Female ones! I’ve never identified as a woman in that I haven’t been able to enjoy or relate to the value of female friendships that other women seem to revel in. I feel God calling me to different ministries, but it seems you have to actually be around other people for that to work. Sigh.

It’s comical sometimes the things God can do to bring you where He wants you to be. Especially when you ask Him for it. He can make a borderline hoarder (I’m talking about myself, by the way) sell all their stuff, and take a scared girl (in a forty-two year old body) out of her shell. So, I’m open to that.

I haven’t ever been able to identify as a woman (not like other women, anyway), and even now it’s hard for me. But I see God moving. I see Him changing my heart. I see Him chiseling away the walls I’ve built. So last night I may have sat on the sidewalk alone, eating my nachos, praying someone would come talk to me, but I also made my way over to a group of ladies I knew, carrying a dessert, and starting a conversation like a bonafide normal person. I even hugged a few women and signed up for a ladies group.

I haven’t always been able to identify as a woman, but I do know that I’m God’s girl. And I’m starting to see all the sisters before me that He’s placing in my path.

If You Don’t Think Bullying is a Problem…

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I have been pleasantly pleased over the years to see the issue of Bullying acknowledged as a problem in society. In fact, as I type my phone autocorrects Bullying to make it capitalized. That’s great, right? That must mean that it’s well on its way to becoming a non-issue! But then I see the comments. You know the ones I’m talking about. Those thoughtless, or perhaps misguided comments that try and downplay an issue that actually causes people to take their own life. I just don’t think you can put a pretty bow on something like suicide. I don’t think you can be optimistic about an issue like that. You can’t ignore it or pretend it’s not there. 

Let’s debunk some common conclusions people come to about Bullying. Just maybe it can open some stubbornly squinted eyes around here. For example, I see this one a lot. 

Kids will be kids. 

It just makes my blood boil to even write that down. Kids will be kids, huh? I’m thinking the people who nonchalantly make this kind of comment have never truly been bullied or had their child be a victim. They haven’t taken their daughter to the police department like my parents did when I was a teen. After finding a bloodied stuffed animal with its throat cut in my driveway they realized it wasn’t just kids being kids anymore.

Kids are kids, and in being kids they will say thoughtless words without thinking. They’ll even be mean. I get that. My kid told me a year after the last baby that my belly “was still fat.” I didn’t think she was bullying me; I knew she was just being a kid. But you see, Bullying is beyond a thoughtless comment or someone not wanting to play with you. Bullying is cruelty. It’s inhuman behavior directed at another human being. It’s making someone hurt because you hurt. It’s inflicting pain to try and lessen your own. It’s sad, really. 

Bullying isn’t a kid being a kid. Bullying is making someone’s life unbearable. For me as a teen it was things like 30 prank calls an hour, spray painting whore on the road signs pointing to my driveway, or turning an entire school against me. That’s a lot to deal with when you’re a teen. When you’d rather sleep than eat, hide in a teacher’s room than face the high school hell that’s the lunch room, or crawl inside yourself to avoid the laughter and whispers then you might just begin to scratch the surface of what Bullying is like. It’s absolutely nothing like kids being kids. That actually would have been nice. 

What about this gem?

It will make them stronger. 

I get it. I understand trying to make a positive out of something negative. I’m a huge optimist, so I can almost get along with that kind of thinking. Except I can’t. No, just no. That’s like saying if someone is mugged in a dark alley, “well, they’ll know next time not to venture out in an area like that after dark.” Nobody would say that. So here’s the similarities of the victim of robbery and a victim of Bullying: they’re both victims, neither one asked to be a victim, and the incident will haunt them both for the rest of their lives. Think I’m being over dramatic? Then consider yourself lucky. You’ve never been the victim of Bullying. 

You know what, I’ll try and meet you half way. I’ll agree that perhaps Bullying makes someone stronger in the future, if by stronger you mean less likely to trust people, build friendships, or be comfortable in social situations. I suppose it makes them stronger in that they build a hard shell around themselves to prevent harm, and that they are more on the guard for their own children to be mistreated. Guilty as charged. I’m stronger, alright, but if I could go back in time and take away that period of my life I’d do it in a second. I’d love to embrace the weakness of a woman who could trust and love more readily. Think about that next time you want to toughen up your kids. Which brings me to this one. 

It prepares them for the real world. 

Sigh. This actually makes me want to cry. I want to weep that we live in a world where we feel we must toughen up our children to fight back at the harshness around them. We do live in a cruel world, sadly, but being an adult is different than being a child, or even a teenager. I am able to deal with mean women a lot better at forty than I was able to deal with mean girls at fifteen. And it’s not because I was bullied. It’s because I’m an adult who has matured mentally, emotionally, and spiritually to handle such situations. We shouldn’t expect our teenagers to be able to handle the turmoil of that yet. We’re not doing them any favors by letting them transverse these situations alone. I can totally see why young girls kill themselves. I’m surprised I didn’t at that age. If social media would have been around, I might have been a statistic myself. As adults we must help be the change. I love this quote. 

It’s not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It’s our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless.

– L.R. Knost 

Thought provoking, right? What if we as adults stopped raising bullies? What if we could mold kind, compassionate, and loving behavior for our children? What if we could instill in them a high self-worth so they don’t have the need to make themselves feel better by making someone else feel worse?

Smiling for a photo, 1993


When I was a teenager it wasn’t just one girl I considered being my bully. Sure there’s always a ring leader, but it’s also each follower that compounds the issue ten-fold. Every other kid who went along with the taunting, every teacher who turned a blind eye, and every parent who didn’t teach their children to stand up for the weak, stand against the cruel, or to offer a compassionate hand to those who need it; they were all a contributor to my experience with Bullying. 

So what can we do? What if we could start by acknowledging the fact that Bullying is real? It’s not just kids being kids, and it’s not something they have to go through so they’ll be a better functioning adult. Those are just excuses we feed ourselves so we can continue to be adult bullies who raise little bullies. Just saying. 

Perhaps consider this. If you don’t think Bullying is a problem then you’re part of the problem.

Addendum: I needed to add this. I did a lot of praying before I published this. You see, I didn’t want one of my former bullies to be hurt by my words above. That’s right! She’s no longer my foe, but my friend. Only God, right?! I forgave her (along with anyone else), and anything I share about bullying isn’t with anger in anyone’s general direction. God knows the people I hurt in this life before He showed me His face and changed my life! We are all works in progress. I felt the content needed to be shared so here it is. 

You’re the Reason My Husband Hates Facebook

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My spouse only begrudgingly holds a Facebook account. I think he keeps it around to help share my blog occasionally, or to have some way to watch blooper type videos when he’s bored in a doctor’s office or too frustrated with his Injustice game on his phone to play it for like five minutes or so. Regardless, he’ll be the first to tell me he hates Facebook, and I stopped trying to tag him in cool stuff long ago. His sporadic use of the social media outlet makes it pointless. 

But sometimes I get it. I understand his frustration. Recently I was scrolling through my newsfeed when I came across one of those train wreck status updates. You know what I mean; it’s like you try to look away, but you can’t. Your drawn into the comments section, and before you know it you’re just shaking your head. How can people be so mean?!

Have you ever noticed that social media is the new ladies’ room, the latest and greatest place for females to congregate and hate on someone?

It’s almost like watching wild hyenas on the Discovery Channel as they descend in a pack upon a wounded animal and begin to tear it savagely to pieces. Seriously. 

Something happens when women get together, but on social media they can be a bit more brave and faceless. One woman makes a catty remark, the next chimes in with “oh, I know who you’re talking about,” and before you know it ladies are lining up in the comments section to say something horrible and heartless.

Not to be undone, though, I see just as many fellas coming to the feast of ugliness. Next thing you know there’s an entire trail of bashing and thoughtless comments thrown across the Internet. It might be shameful if so many people weren’t distracted by their own cruel laughter. 

I think sometimes we all fall into this trap. It’s like pointing out the faults of another make us feel better about ourselves, but in the end it only makes us look worse. 

I’m not trying to stand on a pedestal claiming I’m any kind of perfect, but when I see bullying I call it just that. When I see ugly, well I call it by its name. There’s no need in people fueling the flame of each other’s indignation, and to callously and brutally gang up on someone is downright mean. Am I the only person who doesn’t wish to relive the high school hierarchy of cruel cliques and heartless jabs at someone?!

Mean people, cruel crassness, brutal bullying, and the way the masses leap on it like flies to a dead carcass is despicable. It’s the reason my husband hates Facebook, and honestly, it makes me want to hate it too. It’s embarrassing as a woman to see so many ladies who attack one another on a regular basis, and it’s shameful as human beings that so many of us jump on the bandwagon to say something awful when our turn comes up. Didn’t anyone’s momma teach them if you can’t say something nice to say nothing at all. 

I don’t hate Facebook. I’m not going to throw out the baby with the bath water. I enjoy connecting with others, offering encouragement, and looking at cute baby pictures. And yes, I like the blooper type videos too. In life, not just social media, although it’s certainly the place to start, we should try harder to build people up, think before we speak (or type), and consider how powerful words are to destroy someone. I mean, do you really want to destroy someone?

How-To Guide for Raising a Bully

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Are you worried that your kid will be the butt of everyone’s jokes, the outcast, or the laughing stock of school? Are you concerned for them to be unique, weak, or sensitive? Well worry no longer!

The solution is simple, really. Instead of raising them to be compassionate, caring individuals, your answer is to raise a bully. Train your child up to be mean, abrasive, and demeaning to others. How you may ask? By following the steps below. 

1. Don’t instill morals. That’s a pretty easy one, really. Basically just practice lazy parenting. 

Let them watch whatever they want to on television, and same goes for music. In fact, the more lewd the lyrics, and inappropriate the role model, the better. Let them think that fame is the answer to happiness, dressing provocatively is where it’s at, and that Miley and Beyoncé should be the kind of women they look up to. Not you. 

So while we’re at it…

2. Don’t set limits. Let them act like the little brats on popular TV shows. Don’t teach “please” and “thank you,” but instead laugh when they curse and encourage sassy back-talk. 

Respect for their elders? Overrated. 

As they get older make sure to allow free reign of Facebook and Snapchat. Buy them a mobile device as soon as possible, allowing them to search the web without restriction. 

Don’t teach them appropriate behavior on social media. They’ll figure it out the hard way. 

Never search their phone. 

If children are given rules and boundaries they might think you care too much, and this will always lead to a child with a big heart. 

A big heart=kindness. Kindness=weakness. 

3. Model for them what’s important in life. 

First, feel free to allow them to express themselves via whatever attire they deem necessary. Teach them that a pride in their own modest clothing choices is lame, and that adhering to name brands and what’s very popular at the time is THE ABSOLUTE most important thing. 

Remember. Outward appearance is what counts, not your heart. So they should shun anyone who can’t dress in the fad of the moment. 

And while you’re at it place focus on things like where you live, how much money you make, and who your parents are. Status is everything!

Also encourage names for those who fall below you in the food chain of life. Anyone below your socioeconomic level can be titled “trailer trash” or something similar. In my day it was “skank,” but you just encourage whatever the kids are using nowadays. 

Laughing along with them will make you a popular parent. You won’t be respected, but they might tell you stuff. And since you’re not going to set a curfew you’ll find this useful to make sure you don’t have to spring bail. You’re welcome. 

But most important…

4. Don’t give your child your most precious asset. Now, I’m not talking about the keys to your vehicle. I’m not even talking about money. I’m talking about your time.  I’m talking about your affection. 

If you want to raise an angry child who takes out their hurt feelings on others then please, please don’t pay them any attention! Make sure that work is more important. Make sure that time out with your friends ranks higher than reading bedtime stories when they’re young, and that playing on Facebook trumps listening to them talk about their day at school. 

To really accomplish this, never show up. Like never. Don’t show up to their events, games, whatever. 

Most importantly, though, even when you are around at home, just be there in body, but not in mind. Just be there, but don’t be present. Know what I mean? Check out mentally. That will really harden your child to the reality of life. They gotta learn sometime, right?!

And the sooner they learn how hard life is the better. You don’t want to raise a kid who makes the world a better place! You just want to raise a kid who can face this harsh world. Compassion is overrated. Love and kindness is for the birds. A heart of true courage by caring for those around you is a sign of weakness. 

So feel free to follow all the steps above, and your child will be a bully for sure. In their neglect and feelings of rejection they will act out and hurt others before they’re hurt again.

Sure, you’re not helping to make the world a better place, but at least your kid won’t get picked on. They’ll be the cool kid, and cool kids always win. Look at Bill Gates.