To Whom it May Concern,
I normally wouldn’t go there, meaning I normally would mind my own business, staying content in my blessed marital bliss, but I just can’t stand it any longer. I feel compelled. I thought perhaps you really needed someone to point out to you the meaninglessness of your pursuits and the wreckage you’re leaving abandoned in your wake. You make me sad, sad for you and sad for those who love you. Since you appear to be unaware of that love, I felt I just had to spell it out for you.
Let’s start by me asking you to remove your hand from my shoulder. I would normally appreciate the camaraderie, but since you actually insist on letting your seemingly friendly hand linger longer than is appropriate while you begin to massage my neck muscles as you make attempts to deliver a demeaning one-liner disguised as an oily compliment, I must ask you to stand down. Back off. Whatever it takes to make you understand that I am not swooning at your feet as you imagine.
I did not wear my scrub top today that reads “I’ve had a rough day. Please take my stress away with your magic masseuse fingers.” Therefore I do not require you to not only enter my personal space, but also have the audacity to touch me inappropriately.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a freak who cringes at human contact. I’m a hugger of co-workers, an arms around your back in solidarity kind of gal. But I believe there’s a place and a time. And when my “creeper” alarm goes off, your touch makes my skin crawl, and I make a point to back against the wall when you come around then your advances are unwelcome and not conducive with the workplace flow.
Seriously, don’t misunderstand. I don’t mind friendly batter and adore joking around. I only ask you to do this: imagine your wife and/or mistress is standing there with us. Would you act the same way in their presence? If the answer is no, then show me the same respect in their absence.
But let’s move on. This isn’t about me, and although your flirtatious behavior towards me only solidifies my opinion of you, we’ll leave that alone for the moment.
Let’s ask the most important question, the one everyone wonders while they shake their heads at your transgressions.
Why are you married?
It’s a valid question I think. For it seems like you are unfamiliar with the foundational principles of said institution. To put it bluntly. You seem incapable of being faithful. You seem unable to maintain fidelity with one single woman, the woman with whom you vowed yourself. It seems like those vows were lost in translation as far as you’re concerned.
Why do I say that? Well, you certainly haven’t taken any measures to conceal your actions. We’ve all watched with wide eyes as you traded in your old model for a newer edition, parading around the latest version of a wife.
You decided to upgrade after your old ball and chain racked up too many miles. Miles obtained birthing a handful of offspring for you. So you traded her in for a new, shiny, taunt version. And you did all this while still supposedly in wedlock with your still current wife.
(Insert long, drawn out sigh here.)
But I guess I started by saying this was a plea, right? Well, it is. I am beseeching you, I’m practically begging for you to try and show a little respect for the holy foundation of marriage that I hold so dear. I don’t want to be so harsh, but my heart is breaking at the downfall of monogamy.
Somewhere along the way you’ve decided that marriage isn’t a union, a covenant between a man and woman, a promise to hold her above all others, but instead a piece of paper, a contract if you will, one that can be easily fled from via the escape clause you added in fine print.
You must see marriage as a tax break or perhaps a way to stamp ownership of a woman until you are done with her and she can be disposed of at your time and choosing.
The thing is your children are watching. And your children from your marriage before this one. They are developing their twisted, incorrect ideal of the state of matrimony based on your uncommitted example. If you wish multiple divorces, split custody of your grandchildren, and a lifetime of unfulfilled relationships for your kids then by all means continue.
But know that you’re not just ruining the institution for yourself or your descendants. You are ruining it as a whole, contributing to the downfall of marriage in today’s society. You are sadly adding fuel to the fire that rages across the country proclaiming, “my wants, my needs, my desires; they are most important.”
You are sadly being joined by an army of young men determined to not be determined, lacking honor, and the ability to commit fully or place someone’s feelings above their own.
But she doesn’t care about my feelings you lament!
Get over yourself. What exactly have you shown her throughout the relationship that gives the impression you are concerned with a mutual expression of how each other feels? You get out what you put in! Maybe it’s time to start investing in your current relationship rather than seeking approval and ego stroking elsewhere. Or any other stroking for that matter.
But I fell to temptation, I couldn’t help myself you moan!
Please. You will not find my sympathy here. Marriage is a commitment, even when it’s not as exciting as it once was. You can cultivate passion at home. You don’t have to seek outside stimulation.
I’ll put it simple for you. You don’t place yourself in a situation where you might be tempted. I can’t fathom the idea of cheating on my spouse, but I’m not going to go spend time alone with a handsome co-worker who showers me with compliments. Why place myself in that situation?
But I’m not happy you say.
I’m sorry. I am truly sorry you are unhappy. It might be time to reevaluate. There’s so much I could say about trying to make it work, sticking it out, etc., but that’s a blog for another time. Also, I’ve been the recipient of an unhappy spouse in a prior marriage. If one of you gives up, then there’s not much that can be done.
This time around I’ll just say if you’re not happy then deal with that. Deal with why you’re not happy. And you know what’s the wrong way to do that? Cheating. Trying to escape your unhappiness via the outlet of another relationship. It hasn’t worked for you the last three or four marriages. What makes you think that is the correct answer? Eventually you will run out of young women blind enough to think you will not repeat this cycle with them five to ten years down the road.
I hope you will open your eyes one day. I hope you will love yourself enough to stop seeking multiple relationships to feel special, to feel good about being you. I pray along the way you’ll realize the sacredness of this holy union mandated by the good Lord above, and take your vows seriously.
Until then please stop inappropriately complimenting me with that adolescent grin pasted across your face. We’re both wearing wedding rings. The difference is mine symbolizes something to me.
-Your Happily Married Co-Worker
As a side note
I have to say it. For those who know me and are giggling as you try to figure out who I’m talking about, I’ll end the suspense. This post isn’t about any one person. The inspiration for the blog post is based on several male co-workers I’ve encountered over the years at various patient care settings. I simply wrote it as if speaking to one person for easier readability. I only wish it were just one!
Also, I’m aware this could easily be addressed to the adulteress, as I realize women are just as guilty of infidelity. I wrote this based on the gender I have interacted with personally.