- Earlier this week I almost lost control of my temper/emotions/sanity. Oh who am I kidding? I seem to be on the edge of that cliff pretty often. Is it the distraction of the children, hormones, aging, or all of the above? I don’t know the answer, but I often feel like my mind is slipping (cognitively), and my emotions are the landslide that follows. On Monday I found myself upset over something of minimal importance. It was kind of a big deal, but in the grand scheme of things, it was nothing worth loosing my cool over or shedding a tear about (both of which I did). As I cried at the computer desk, weakly prayed for strength, and half wondered if my spouse could hear me (Would he come console me in my pity party?), I realized how I was overreacting (a too common response from me). I dried my eyes, pulled on my big girl panties of resolve, and walked into the living room all smiles. I sat myself on my husband’s lap and proclaimed, “You know… I don’t think it’s a big deal. Everything will be fine.” He looked at me and smiled, his eyes crinkling at the corners in amusement and said, “I know.” He patted my knee, kissed me on the cheek, and then asked, “What would you like to do today?” His smile, the change of subject, the reassuring hand on my back, this was his way of letting me know it was okay, that I was okay, he was okay, we were okay. This is us. It’s how we fit.
- My husband and I have a fairy tale love story. To surmise, we fell in love as teenagers, endured a broken relationship based on youthful indecision, were apart for a decade, and rekindled our romance in our thirties. It was kind of like a Nicholas Sparks novel, to the outside that is. When I returned home and started to see my long, lost love again, I was far from anything a well respected author would pen to paper. I was a bit of a mess, going through a divorce, and as confused about life as the day is long. I know there were things about me that were different than he remembered from the girl he used to know. But somehow through it all, he saw my heart. He saw the good in me. He decided to trust what his heart told him was true and hold my hand through my messy life. He put a ring on my finger four years ago and made a promise, to me, and to God, and he never looked back.
- I did the same. It’s true. We both had changed. We both were allowing less than God’s best for our life, but we knew. We knew the other’s heart. We knew it was a good heart, capable of love for others, and capable of a dedicated life to The Lord. He never tried to change me, and I never tried to change him. We just prayed for each other, gave it to God, and let Him do the changing. He does such a better job than any of my nagging could ever hope to do. I’ve found in my husband a man who exemplifies the character of Christ. He loves me for me, despite my flaws. He has seen me at my ugliest, and he loves me still. He is quick to forgive, and slow to anger. His love is unconditional, and it’s not based on what I do for him, but simply who I am to him. Marriage also allows me the opportunity to reciprocate this Christ-like personality, doing my best to exude this same love and care to my husband. I see my spouse as a gift from God, where He uses a man to show me His love played out here on earth. He has also blessed me with this man to stand as the head of our family, leading the children and me towards God’s will for our life. I am truly blessed for my love story, despite its untraditional narrative. It is my story, written by my Lord, just for me. And it’s perfect.
That is all 🙂
Happy Anniversary sweetheart. I love you more than any blog could ever say.
3 Facts for the Day (The Beautiful Design That is Woman)
- Well great! I thought sarcastically, as I dabbed at the tears pooling in my lower lids, threatening to spill out down my cheeks. And this would happen to occur on only the second time this year I had worn eyeliner. I was watching a gum commercial. That’s right, a gum commercial. In my defense, it was a very dramatic, and “tug at the heart” emotional gum commercial. I remember as a child laughing at my mother when I would see her cry after seeing an animal hit on the side of the road, or bawl like a baby over make-believe movies. I got older, had kids, and one day, as I cried over the cheerleaders in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade (they were so precious), I realized I had become my mom. I had become an emotionally fragile crybaby. Some might consider this a curse, others a weakness. I consider it a testament to the beautiful design that is called woman.
- Earlier a patient and I were discussing our time in Naval service. This led to the topic of having children while active duty, and the stresses of deployment with a family. I explained to him that this was a main reason for my separation from active duty, my decision to not have a family while serving. I actually commend a woman who can be apart from her children for a deployment, as I could not. My patient commented that while he served, if a woman became pregnant, she would be discharged. Even my mother was given the option during the 70s. She chose to be honorably discharged while pregnant with me. When I served active duty in 2001, I held more of a feminine view point than I do now, but I still understood a woman’s weaknesses and her strengths. I have never been a champion for women serving on the front lines. Not only are men typically stronger (it’s simple physiological muscle mass in relation to fat reserves), they also have different mental make-up. Women are emotionally more vulnerable, and even if men try not to, they will usually take the dominant role, protecting their female counterpart. In a combat situation this could cause a male to take different actions to protect a woman standing beside him versus a man. Even as my patient and I spoke of his current medical condition, we were aware of the physical differences of male vs. female. His petite female nurse the day before had required help from a larger male to hold continuous pressure with great force to cease bleeding from an artery. I told my patient I was fully aware of my limitations, and I knew I would have asked for help as well.
- My other patient happened to be a female. As we walked down the hall together, I was proud of her strength, stamina, and ability to recover so well and so quickly considering her recent major surgery. I commented as much to her. Then I added a small known fact, that women tend to heal faster than men post-operatively. And this is true. Interestingly enough, our female patients experience less pain, comment on their pain less, get up and moving faster, and overall have a more optimistic attitude when compared with men. This would lead one to question, “Why would a physically weaker woman heal faster than the dominant male?” I could be wrong, but I personally think that this example is a window into how a woman’s gentle, emotional frailty can be a strength when drawn upon. Women are emotional creatures, quick to weep, and just as quick to love fiercely and completely. The emotional vulnerability that causes a woman to cry also causes her to love others more than herself. It is almost as if any strength she has is poured out to those around her. When faced with pain, a woman has an amazing reserve within her in which she is able to tap and move gracefully through trial and hardship. Her vast ability to overcome struggle is only matched by her capacity to comfort others. It seems, when she is weak, she is strong. Although I’ve always recognized the physiological differences, I haven’t always viewed a woman as the submissive counterpart to a man as I do now. Even early in my marriage, I strove to have the upper hand, wishing to control all situations. As I’ve advanced a little bit in my walk with Christ, I’ve changed my thinking to more parallel God’s word.
Ephesians 5:22-33 ESV
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, …
I began to see how God designed man and woman each with their own specific purposes, strengths, and weaknesses.
1 Peter 3:7 ESV
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
I began to understand that it was a team concept, where each had their God given trait to compliment and enhance that of the other.
Genesis 2:18 ESV
Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”
A man, in all his strength, protects his wife. When he is weary, she comforts him. Her apparent emotional weakness is the tool with which she pours love upon her family. Her weakness is made strength for those who need her, even if that someone is sometimes herself. I believe that a woman’s beautiful weakness and fragility is a deep well where Christ may dwell and pour out unrealized power when it is most needed.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
9 Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. 10 If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. 11 Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? 12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.
It’s a perfect, beautiful design where everyone has a place, and each weakness or strength is wonderfully blended to compliment the unit as a whole. So I suppose if I cry over a gum commercial, that’s ok. The design that is me is just what it should be.
That is all 🙂
3 Facts for the Day
- I blog frequently about my children. Why? It’s because they captivated my heart. I’ve been known to blog about my husband before as well. Why? It’s because he is my heart. And I am his. We are one unit. I suppose that may sound silly to you. If you see your spouse as your flesh of flesh, your partner, or as some say, “my better half”, then maybe that doesn’t sound silly to you at all. I think it tends to embarrass my husband when I blog “sweetness” directed at him. He must not want everyone knowing what a catch he is in my eye. So, for his benefit, I’ll attempt to keep the mushy parts to a minimum. We’ll say that this blog is not so much about my spouse, as it is about the partnership we have built together.
- Today the girls and I went swimming with some other family. We had a great time, but I couldn’t help but feel like something wasn’t quite right. I realized that I was missing my spouse. I wanted him to be there with me to share in this moment of fun. I had someone mention to me how hard my spouse worked, and in fact, how much he had changed for the better. “He’s not the only one!” was my thought. I blogged before how my daughter Chloe inspired me to change my life. I described how God used her as a catalyst for change. While Chloe inspired, Ben encouraged. His steadfast encouragement and belief in me, were ever present, even when I didn’t or couldn’t believe in myself. I was told once, “You were good for him.” I will tell you, we were good for each other. I always knew Ben’s heart. I could see the goodness inside him. He could see through me, through the facade I put up for everyone else. He saw through the mess I had become to the beauty inside. He’s probably the closest of anyone to see me as God sees me. He knew my heart, and pushed past the rest. I saw him the same. He made me feel pretty and confident again; something very hard for a girl who has been shown nothing but how easy she is to give up, or that she’s lacking in some way. I made him realize he could be loved despite anything, and let down his guard. We tore down each others’ fences. It wasn’t an easy task. We had to persevere. Sometimes I think we both felt defeated in getting through the muck to find the jewel we knew existed in each other. There are times I think we took a step back and wondered if it was possible or worth it. Then we remembered that heart we cherished so much. We dug deeper and pulled each other out of the mud.
- The night before last I had a terrible nightmare. It was one of those dreams where you wail in anguish within your dream, feeling emotion so real that it cuts like a knife. You wake short of breath and sobbing from the weight of it. In my dream, Ben was sick, and I was confronted with the possibility of his death. It made my heart hurt. I rolled over in bed, and when I saw him laying there with his mouth wide open in the midst of good sleep, I almost screeched aloud with relief. Instead of outwardly celebrating, I scooted over and put my arm around him. I could feel the warmth of him, and the security of his presence. I cannot put into words how I feel about the thought of loosing him. I realize this is but a short journey when compared to eternity, but my mind is human, and it is small. Right now, I cherish his presence beside me, not just helping me, but rather lifting me up. I, in return, build him up as well. Back then, in the midst of confusion and blindness, we somehow saw the potential the other possessed. We nurtured it. We loved it. We prayed for it. God knew what we could accomplish together. Ecclesiastes 4:10 says “If either of them falls down, one can help the other up”, and then in verse 12, “A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” Why do I share all of this? I suppose I hope it may encourage someone, or help you if things are looking shaky on your end. We don’t have it all figured out! But one thing we do is love each other like Christ loves us. Even when Ben tries to drive me crazy, I look for the best in him. I find it, and I cultivate it. I water it with my adoration. The warmth of my sunny prayers give it life. Instead of searching for his faults, I work on my own. I let God deal with him. He does a much better job than I could anyway. Ben never pushed me to change and become the wife he wanted. He loved me for me. He prayed for me, and God made me become the wife He wanted me to be. And vice versa. I’m eager to see what God has for us, and how He can use the lives we have had to further His kingdom. If loving my husband with all my heart is as far as that plan goes, then I am fine with that too. I’m already off to a good start.
That is all 🙂
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