They say that you really discover what a relationship is made of when bad times befall it. In other words, when the going gets tough you find out just what your marriage is made of, and if it’s based on all things warm and fuzzy then it might fall flat.
It’s true, and it’s something I’ve found to be of utmost importance for a marriage to make it long term in the face of that crazy thing called real life.
It’s not that I’m against love, or even the feeling it induces. I’ll admit that it’s wonderful, and I don’t suppose much in life compares to that warm feeling in the pit of your stomach when you lay eyes on the person for whom your heart yearns. That flutter of excitement, that moment of rubber-legged weakness; it’s magical. Nothing compares to that feeling, but if I counted on that dizzying, emotional high to carry me through my marriage then I would be sorely disappointed.
When your spouse loses their job it won’t be butterflies in your tummy that carries you through to the end of the month when the mortgage is past due and the gas tank is empty.
There has to be more. There has to be the remembrance of why you fell in love initially, but more importantly what solid desire for a lifelong commitment led you to walk down the aisle in the first place.
When secrets from the past rear their ugly head it won’t be sexy, six-pack abs that make it all okay. When present faults surface even the most romantic of individuals will fall short, and if you’re counting on physical attraction to lessen the harsh reality of a struggle with substance abuse then you will be mistaken.
In the times when your heart needs confirmation the most it won’t be a feeling of infatuation that delivers. It will be honesty, promises kept, and a compassionate ear by someone who will hold your hand tightly even on the bad days. Especially on the bad days.
For my own marriage I realize I’ve lost that loving feeling. For my marriage, over the struggles of the initial years, or even the reality of everyday problems, I’ve realized that love is so much more than just a simple feeling. And although I still get excited for my lover to come home, it’s more than desire than keeps our boat afloat. And although his kiss still makes me feel it in my toes, our commitment to one another goes far beyond any physical or emotional feeling that we may experience. Over the years I’ve lost that loving feeling and I’ve replaced it with a solid action of love, a determination to respond to my spouse in a loving manner even when I don’t feel like it.
After all, while make-up sex is really fun, it’s the communication, ability to listen, and determination to forgive that make differences mere nuisances rather than serious deal breakers.
Feeling is a wonderful aspect of being in love, but love is God, and therefore it’s multifaceted. It is feeling, but it is also patience, dedication, compassion, and kindness. It protects, hopes, trusts, and perseveres.
Love feels good. It really does. But if I based my marriage simply on good feelings I might be ill-prepared when harsh realities surfaced. Sickness, loss, and struggle don’t feel good, and trying to float through trouble on a cloud of emotion is a hard task to complete. In the face of ugly you require a solid foundation, a love that is more than just good feelings. A love that persists even when things feel bad; that’s what really holds water.
I’m glad that it feels so good when I look into the eyes of my adoring spouse, and it’s hard to beat the way I feel in the warmth of his embrace, but I’m grateful that what we have is more than that. The love we hold is more than just a feeling. It’s an action, a determination to fulfill our vows, and a commitment to love the one to which your heart belongs. The great feeling of it all is just the cherry on top.