Brie Gowen

Savor the Essence of Life

3 Facts for the Day (The Sickness of Doubt)

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Non medical people: hang with me just a second.
1. I became aware that his temperature had risen to 99 degrees. It wasn’t a high fever mind you, but it was mildly concerning none the less. Coupled with the sound I heard when I placed my stethoscope on his chest, the rattling gurgle sound, and the numbers on the monitor telling me his breathing wasn’t optimal, I was a little concerned, but not too much. I knew what he needed to do. A common complication after surgery is pneumonia. People lay in the bed, sleeping, in pain, under the effects of lingering anesthesia and pain medication. They don’t take deep breaths and they don’t cough. To put it simple and plain, junk settles in the bottom of their lungs and gets infected. My patient didn’t have pneumonia, but he was at risk of developing it. He needed to get up and get busy deep breathing and coughing. It’s quite amazing really. When they do these things you can hear the lungs clear, see numbers improve, and the temperature return to normal.
2. I’ve come to realize that doubt is a lot like pneumonia. Doubt sets in when we are vulnerable. It often comes on the cusp of something good coming our way. There are a lot of ways doubt comes to you. I’ve noticed that often times when I’m really praising God for His goodness that I’ll be bombarded by doubt in my faith. I don’t think for a minute that it’s a coincidence that when I’m in the midst of being thankful that I’m attacked at that moment with doubt in my beliefs. I used to feel guilty about that, but not anymore. I think guilt over your imperfection can just be a catalyst for doubt to multiple. Example: “I am such a bad Christian to have doubt. I don’t know how God could use someone like me!” Your guilt over doubt has you doubting yourself. Confused yet?
3. Doubt is a festering infection that can build over time if not dealt with properly. It’s not just doubt for your lack of faith. It can be doubt in yourself. I am a master at self-doubt. I have a Mary Poppins mentality as I’ve said before, wishing to be practically perfect in every way. Since no one is perfect other than Mary Poppins and Jesus (and Mary Poppins is fictional), I set myself up for disappointment. I doubt my abilities as a mom. I doubt my abilities as a wife, a nurse, a sister, a friend, or a writer. I doubt my ability to hear God and to share my faith to others. This doubt, the feelings of inadequacy and self-defeat simply settle in my spirit, accumulating into something nasty. They keep me from obtaining God’s best for me because I don’t believe I can. And I suppose I can’t, but God can. So what can we do to prevent a full blown case of doubt pneumonia? We got to deep breathe and cough. We have to inhale God’s truth and exhale the lies from the enemy, coughing out every single bit of junk, every infecting thought of doubt. We won’t get it all out with one coughing spell either. We’ll have to work on it, breathing deep and increasing our capacity for truth. Breathe in the word of God, His truth in scripture. Exhale and expel anything that doesn’t go along with those truths. Like my patient you want to catch it before a serious infection sets in. When you do you can breathe easier and work on healing, work to be stronger and fulfill all that God has for you, unhampered by infectious doubt.
That is all 🙂

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3 Facts for the Day (The Waiting Place Edition)

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  1. This morning I was running late for work. I’m not sure why that would surprise me. Tardiness seems to be my way of life after bearing children, as if the moment they exited my birth canal my internal clock was changed. I’m reminded of the speed-control knob on a record player. As a kid I used to put a record on and slow it down, laughing as the song emitted in super slow motion. I feel like after I had children someone turned my speed-control knob to like 33. The song that is my life still needs to spin at 45 to sound right, but I’m left lagging behind. So naturally, rush about as I might, reenacting my favorite feathered fowl whose head has fallen victim to the farmer’s ax, I still couldn’t manage to get out the door in a timely manner. I cannot explain what miraculous event occurs each weekend, but somehow I have yet to clock-in late in almost two years time now. That apparently doesn’t stop me from trying to break that record every single time I work. Today was no exception. Usually traffic is very light in town via my route to the hospital. If I encounter any traffic at all it’s someone hunting yard sales, and with winter approaching, I didn’t think I’d see any of those. Yet, as I pulled onto the main drag I encountered resistance. I maneuvered through my turn using the yield sign to my full benefit, perhaps testing the traction control of my lightweight car a little too much. I immediately had to break as I arrived behind a caravan of cars. Apparently no one had clued this bunch into the time change, and the light of day brought them out in a horde, a slow moving horde. I picked up the rear with an exasperated sigh, How dare they slow me down when I’m running late! I followed at the snail’s pace, trying my best not to fuss, but it was hard I must admit, and I might just have let a choice word or two slip my lips. It was taking forever behind those slow-pokes, and I was itching to get around them!

  2. I often look at my life, and I’m reminded that God really has a unique plan for me. I guess if I was food, I’d be a crockpot meal. I’m definitely not fast food. From the time my life began it just seemed like I was running behind. I remember being the last kid in kindergarten to learn how to tie my shoes. I never knew a father’s love until I was eight years old, and would often tease my dad about his over-protectiveness of me, stating that at 16 years old, I was only then an eight year old in his eyes as we had gotten a delayed start at our father/daughter relationship. I was always a step behind the other girls. I was still secretly playing Barbie in 7th grade. I didn’t technically enter puberty until I was seventeen. Even in college I took the long way around. I completed an Associate of Science Degree in Nursing after nine years of school and enough non-transferable credits to have a doctorate. I did not marry my true love until after 30, and didn’t start my journey of motherhood until after that. It used to bother me, the fact that it took me so long to get to where I needed to be with things, but then I realized it was for a purpose. Experiencing a loveless relationship with my biological father made me appreciate my daddy so much more, never taking his love for granted, or growing too angry when he did things to protect me. I have no doubt that I’m a better nurse after the path I took to achieve my degree, including my Naval service. I can’t begin to imagine the mess I would have made of things if I had become a nurse two years after graduating high school! That works for a lot of people, it just wouldn’t have worked for me. I am so appreciative of how my husband treats me after experiencing my first marriage and the lack-luster love I received from that relationship. Becoming a mom after 30 was the best decision for me. I can give completely to my girls, selflessly with no feeling that I’m missing out on something in life. I got my traveling, my career, and many life lessons accomplished prior to devoting completely to being a mom.

  3. This morning, as I waited impatiently behind the turtle brigade, I made a decision. The caravan of cars was traveling my exact route to work, but as they all made my usual turn, I decided to go straight then later turn left. I would cut them off! I drove at breakneck speed, turning quickly through a convoluted series of roads. As I came to the stop sign ahead where I would make my signature move ahead of the group, something unexpected happened. As I came to the stop I watched the three slow-moving cars approach and drive past me. All that for nothing! Sometimes even if you search for a short-cut, racing as fast as you can, it won’t gain you an inch. You’ll arrive to your destination when God intends. We hate to wait, and we hate when things go slow, but sometimes that’s just how God works. I thought about a book by Dr. Seuss called, “Oh the Places You Will Go.” One line reads:

You can get so confused
that you’ll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place…

I like the book, but I might have to disagree some with the good Dr. I don’t believe it’s a useless place, The Waiting Place. I think it serves more purpose than we could ever imagine. It’s in the waiting that God is able to do the most with us, teaching us, preparing us for the specific and perfect plan He has for our lives. We want the end result immediately, but that doesn’t wield the best result. A pearl is not formed overnight, or even by week’s end for that matter. Trusting in God’s perfect timing is the key, waiting patiently (I know, tough) as He sets up each step, and opens the path before us, the path to the prize He has in store.

Proverbs 3:5-6
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.

I have to remind myself of this a lot, to slow down, to wait, to be still, and in that experience something miraculous… Enjoying The Waiting Place.

That is all 🙂

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3 Facts for the Day (Attitude of Gratitude Edition)

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  1. When the chirping of crickets began, I startled. I had been sleeping so soundly, akin to Rip Van Winkle, that when my alarm of insect sounds pulled me from my slumber, I was disoriented. I managed to silence the bug’s song, and laid there very still, forcing my eyes to stay open, and trying to convince myself to make the decision to leave my fortress of blankets. As I pulled back the covers and slid to a sitting position, I felt a chill in the air and had to fight the desire to climb back into the beckoning warmth behind me. At first I thought I just needed to adjust to leaving the solace of my comforter, but then I realized, no, it was really cold. I walked into the hall and noticed the nursery door was open. I glanced at the digital thermostat and was confronted with an actual temperature reading far below the desired setting. I tried a few buttons in vain, and resigned to the fact that I would need to wake my sleeping husband. Being a night owl, he was already aware of the temperature discrepancy, and despite my hopes otherwise, he confirmed that the heat had stopped working through the night. He got up and lit a fire for me, something he had done earlier that morning to warm up the house for his sleeping brood. The heat from the fire traveled down the small hall, and effectively entered the baby’s room through her normally closed door. I felt better then, as if it would be okay after all.
  2. Minutes later I stood in the shower, allowing the water to saturate me, pull me awake, and warm my body. Before committing to my journey of cleanliness, I simply stood there, lost in my own thoughts. I thought of my girls, and their recent snuffy noses and fever. I thought, What a terrible time for them to be cold! I thought of the financial aspect possibilities of a broken heating unit. I stood there, allowing the hot water to fall on me, and I realized I was at a crossroads in my thoughts. My thoughts could either go one way, or they could go another. I pushed away the money worries, and I reminded myself that being cold doesn’t make you sick, that viruses do. I chose that moment to say, “Thank you God for this hot shower.” The water truly felt magnificent, covering my chilly body in its enveloping heat.
  3. I thought of a trend I had seen this year and years past on social media where people commit to post daily about something for which they are thankful. I recalled seeing people’s initial posts and how some had described thankfulness for multiple family members in a single post. At the time, I had thought, Shouldn’t you write a single post for each family member so you don’t run out of stuff before the end of the month? Standing in the steamy spray this morning I realized how far off I was. You can’t run out of stuff. The list really goes on and on. It’s just a matter of recognizing it. I fall short of this so many times, and I focus on where I lack rather than where I exceed. But this morning I chose an attitude of gratitude, deciding to be grateful for my blessings in spite of problems, and actually in light of them. I chose to be grateful that we had an alternate form of heat to keep us warm enough until something else could be done. This morning I came across this scripture.

Romans 12:12
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

As I started my day at work I realized I was in an attitude of joy. I could think of no reason why I would feel so joyous at work other than The Lord. I chose to count my blessings rather than dwell on my problems, (which were more than a broken heating unit), and this decision brought me peace. An thankful attitude brightened my entire day.
That is all 🙂

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3 Facts for the Day (Walk in Joy Edition)

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  1. They say to bloom where you’re planted. That’s not always easy when the soil underneath you is filled with rocks, and unfriendly to your growth. Often times your situation in life may be an unpleasant one, and the only growth you can see of the situation is a growing thorn in your side. I recently cared for a patient with an extensive inpatient hospital course. I had the opportunity to monitor the patient and her family throughout her stay. Both the patient and her many family members were very spiritual, and it was refreshing to watch them lean on God when they couldn’t understand the situations surrounding them, or to see them place their trust in Him, believing He would heal their matriarch.
  2. Throughout the ups and downs of her stay, progressing one day, but declining on another, I was witness to the trials it places on one’s faith or outlook when faced with uncertain and changing circumstances. One weekend I might encounter joyous celebration, laughter, and strength, but come in another time to downcast eyes and a weary countenance. It didn’t necessarily mean their faith had faltered, or that they no longer praised God in the storm, it simply meant that things were hard, and sometimes when the going gets tough, it just sucks. I handled them with finesse in these moments, offering grace when a harsh tone was used, trying to remember how similarly God gives us grace when we grumble at Him. They (the family and the patient herself) always seemed to bounce back from their moment of sadness, shining once again with the joy of The Lord, as if their brief hiatus from positivity had been a time of renewal of spirit, as if being refueled for the journey ahead. They inspired me.
  3. Even if your actions are not the reaction to a monumental trial, but simply your approach to the mundane, it is no less important how you tackle each day as it comes. I found myself this morning in a funk. As I stood in the shower I realized I felt crummy. I did not want to go to work. Don’t laugh at me, or say join the club. On any given work day I would prefer to stay home with my children, as I’m sure most moms do, but today that unmotivated feeling was greater than usual. I can typically have the mindset to press on, but today it was gone. I’m sure the return from a beach vacation didn’t help matters. Everyone wishes vacations could last longer. I stood there dreading my work day while still stewing over the absurd number that greeted me from the scale. How did I gain five pounds?! I sulked, as memories of all the cakes, cookies, and pies consumed revisited me. Less than perfect situations are bound to occur in this imperfect world, but how you allow it to ultimately, and continually effect you is up to you. I took bad thoughts captive. I prayed for strength. I made it a point to ruminate on His love. In the end, I walked in joy today. I decided to bloom where I was planted, despite the rocky soil. Like my patient and her family, despite situations wanting to bring my thoughts south, I persevered for happiness, and it found me.
    That is all 🙂

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3 Facts for the Day (A Confession Edition)

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  1. “I am on the phone! I won’t tell you again to be quiet!” I screamed, hopefully away from the receiver. Then I continued in a sweeter, softer voice, “5:30 sounds just fine. We’ll be there.” My three year old, despite my increased volume of voice, was still in my lap. As I hung up my phone she got up and walked into her room, humming happily. I’m not sure what possesses children to do this, but they all do. If I really want to get my child’s attention all I need to do is either pick up the phone and call someone, play with the baby joyfully, or attempt to have an adult conversation with my husband.
  2. As we drove along the road, destination frozen yogurt (with all the toppings, yes please), I had the radio turned up. I was enjoying a favorite praise and worship song on the radio. The DVD player is usually on, and the accompanying voices of Max and Ruby or Doc McStuffins fill the air. I was enjoying the nice change and was getting into it a little bit, about to raise my hand into the air in agreement with the words I was hearing, when from the back I hear my three year old daughter. “Mom, turn down the radio so you can hear the words that are coming out of my mouth!” I smiled despite it all, and turned down the volume. I asked, “Ok. Is that better? What would you like to talk about?” She was silent for a moment, and I was distinctly aware that she had no particular topic in mind even as she had fought for my attention. She reached for a quick save, “I love you momma.”
  3. As I pulled into the parking space and cut off the engine, I stared vacantly into the distance, feeling the warm sunshine on my face. I realized I hadn’t particularly felt like I could hear God communicating with me today. In that moment, He said, “Have you been listening?” The conversation was broken by my daughter’s insistence, “I want to go in now!”
    Later, at home, with two girls napping, I fell back into prayer as I washed dishes. I realized something as I prayed. I’ve been wrong. I admit it. I confess. At first I thought, maybe I’m not hearing God so well today because I’m so busy. Both the girls and myself are fighting off a small cold, making them fussy and me foggy. I’ve been packing for vacation for two days straight. That must be it. Then I realized something. I was listening selfishly. I’ve been asking God to speak to me about me. We live in such a self-entitled culture. We’re like a bunch of three year olds running around this world wanting to know what’s going to be done for us. It’s a huge problem in our government, our schools, and our homes. Today I realized it was a problem in my spiritual life. “God, tell me what to do so I can be happier and more blessed?” That wasn’t my exact wording, but that’s what it all came down to in the end. I was in constant prayer, but for me, myself, and I. Even when I tried to tell myself I wasn’t. “God, what can I do for your kingdom?,” rather than, “God, what would You have me do for your kingdom? How do You desire to use me?” Perhaps God wants to use us in the very place where we are not our happiest. It’s not about me alone. It’s so much bigger than that. While I am His child, and I can always find comfort in His lap, I can’t selfishly behave, vying for His affection and His blessings as if the world revolves around me. I still believe God loves us so dearly, and does desire to bless us richly, but how can He if we’re interrupting Him? “God, God, God, I need, need, need. Me, me, me. Can you hear me God?” He can, but can we hear Him? Maybe we need to change the way we’re listening. Maybe His direction, His voice to us, isn’t always about us. As I sit at a table in a coffee shop asking Him what He wants me to do about my personal situation, maybe, at that moment, He just wants me to go talk to that woman in the corner by herself, and speak blessings to her. I admit it. Lately I’ve been listening all wrong. It’s not all about me, and what God is doing with me. Some times, most times, it’s so much more than that.
    God forgive me. Show me your way, your desires. I pray that I may hear you for others, for your kingdom, your church, not just for me.
    That is all 🙂

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original image: technologybloggers.org

3 Facts for the Day (Enjoying the Ride Edition)

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  1. Just as some days can be good days, some days can be bad days, some days are happy, and some days are sad, so can a day be changed by perspective. I can unintentionally sabotage my day be imagining my plight is far worse than it truly is. I don’t know if men do this as much as I think women do, but I believe it’s just human nature across the board. I know I do it a lot, and even though it’s difficult to see your own faults, I’m grateful that I’m able to recognize it more. I found myself today falling prey to a bit of a pity party. I didn’t invite anyone else. It was just for me I suppose. I unintentionally found myself in a situation where I was comparing my life to others. This is never a good thing, and I didn’t even mean to do it, but there it was. I found myself comparing career choices and the resultant income, thinking, Well sure they can afford that! A bad thought is like an infection and simply festers as you go along, sometimes even unknown to you how bad it could be getting. I continued on my day, getting ready for a conference at work. I decided I would attempt to dress up a bit since this is something I never get to do anymore. As I scanned my closet and chose a suitable outfit, my thoughts continued on that horrid, self-pitying downward spiral. After I found an outfit I commented to my sitter, who had complimented me by the way, “This sweater was bought before I moved back to Mississippi and I’ve had these pants forever! I never buy myself clothes anymore!” Once I planted this seed in my head, it was ready to take root and grow. As I sat at my table waiting for the meeting to begin, I cultivated my seed of self-pity by looking around at other women and coveting their wardrobes. That looks brand new and so in style. My clothes are so out of style. I’ll bet everyone is staring at me. (Writing this down really makes me feel silly, but I’ve started now, so let’s press on). I had gotten excited about an idea that might change some situations in my professional life. I suppose anytime we think of change that might improve an unhappy situation we get fired up and ready to move forward. I found my idea trampled today, but instead of seeing it as a closed door, I felt sorry for myself. I guess things will never change! I’m just stuck in an unhappy situation! Sigh. I’m so silly sometimes.
  2. I had the opportunity today to speak with someone who was feeling down about life, life in general for herself, and for the ones she loves. She was unable to understand why circumstances were so difficult, and why things had to be the way they were, why prayers weren’t being answered. I think God often speaks to me when I speak to others. It’s one reason that I enjoy writing this blog so much. When I think of circumstances and why they occur the way they do, I often think of my husband. This may be a repeat for some of you, so bear with me, or simply enjoy the reminder. I certainly do. I think back to when my husband and I were 19. I was so in love with that scrawny boy. I knew God had big plans for us! When our relationship ended when I was 20, I was beyond devastated. I was honestly mad at God for telling me we were meant to be together if it was obviously ending. I felt like He had promised me that relationship, and I was angry and confused and sad and broken. I can now realize He did intend for us to be together. We just had a few things we needed to go through before God could use us as a couple. His promises are always true, He just may not get us to them the way we think He should. His ways are higher, and I try to remain in faith with that thought in mind. When times are difficult or I encounter trials, I try to understand that it is all working towards a purpose and perfect plan He has designed specifically for me.
  3. If everything worked the way I thought it should, I’m certain it would fall apart somewhere in the middle. I’m just not that great of a designer to iron out each detail perfectly. But my God, He is. It’s okay to forget that every once and a while. Really, He understands. That’s grace. It’s good to keep it in mind though, and try to stop the thoughts that come and make you unhappy with your current circumstances. Most often our circumstances are of our own making, but as you pray and follow God whole-heartedly, you may wonder why those can’t change already. You’re praying faithfully, so what gives? Ahhh, it comes back to the orchestrator of the universe. And He’s not simply toying with you like a puppet on a string. He’s lining up every situation to be carried out perfectly, and He’s also changing you, growing you, and perfecting you as you wait. I’m also a big person on perception. If you ever read my blogs then you know I’m a huge optimist. I got it all wrong today! Earlier my three year old had made a huge mess of the living room. This happens daily, but I’ve been trying to teach her how to clean up after herself. Today I told her she would have to pick up all those toys if she wanted to play on her iPad. She started bawling. When I asked in frustration what was wrong she replied, “It’s too much!” I then instructed her to just focus on one toy at a time, picking up just one until they were all gone. Well, it worked. And we can do that too. Instead of focusing on a conglomeration of our problems, focus on one thing at a time, dealing with it in a state of peace rather than frenzy. It doesn’t seem that big that way. In speaking to someone else about their problems today, I was reminded of my blessings. I don’t have a lot of things others may have, but I also have a lot of things that others don’t have. Make sense? Instead of focusing on the mess of my toys, I can focus on the fact of how many toys I have. I can focus on my blessings not my lack there of. I can focus on where God is taking me while appreciating where I am in the process and enjoying the ride.
    That is all 🙂

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3 Facts for the Day (Battling Depression Edition)

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  1. The smell was horrendous, like nothing I had encountered before. Almost a decade later I would smell it again while working in the operating room at the Naval Hospital, but at this time I had never smelled burnt flesh. I was speechless, stunned really, as I looked around the room. There were tiny pieces of flesh and bone scattered and stuck in a spray pattern across the wall. I offered to help clean it up, but he wouldn’t let me, and would bear that burden on his own. She was at the hospital then, recovering from her injuries. As I smelled the smell of spent gunpowder, I could still remember the sound it had made that night before. A loud bang, too loud for something to be heard inside. It had sounded like a gun, but at the time I couldn’t imagine why I would be hearing a gunshot. As I stood, frightened but preparing to investigate, she had come up the hall, with a bloody towel over her wrist. She managed to whisper, “It accidentally went off. The gun.” I sat her down, looking behind me to see if the little ones had been awakened. Thankfully they had not. I was unsure of what to do, so I tried to remain calm while fashioning a tourniquet from the little boy’s belt laying in the floor. Later, in the emergency room, she would swear to the questioning physician that it was an accident, that she had heard an intruder. We had to believe her. Only many years later would she admit the truth to me.
  2. The next generation. The sadness has been there, lurking in the shadows for as long as I can remember, threatening to overcome me. I tried taking my own life as early as eight years old. Thinking of it now, I’m not sure what kind of pressures I could have possibly been under, but at the time the sadness was so intense that I didn’t want to go on with it all. I never told my parents of my botched attempt, and somehow managed to keep the rope burn hidden from them until it faded away. I can recall feeling the melancholy take over me countless times over those developmental years. I remember simply wanting to sleep my time away, and having little interest in things around me, even food. I would periodically emerge and fight to get past the sadness that stole me, fight to be happy and get involved in life. I would for a time, but the dark times would always return. I started an antidepressant for the first time as a teenager, and tried out several different ones. I was once given the tentative diagnosis of bipolar disorder by a community health psychiatrist. He gave me a paper with orders for blood work to be taken at a local hospital, and orders to return after they resulted. I drove away with no intention of being told I was crazy. That was what I felt like, unstable, and didn’t want to know if it was true. I threw the order away and never returned. I went through cycles over the next decade, feeling sad, feeling good. When everything around me was good, then I was good. If things around me were bad, then I was really bad. The sadness never overtook me to the point of being unable to function at work or around others. It waited until I was alone, and then would fall on me like a building, crushing me into a sobbing wreck of a young woman.
  3. About four years ago I made a decision to taper myself off of my antidepressant. I had been on and off one for years and knew how to do it safely (in my opinion anyway). I didn’t like the fuzzy side effects, and the way it sometimes seemed to not only take away my sadness, but rob me of any emotion whatsoever. This isn’t a decision that is good for everyone. I have no prejudice against medication for illness, it’s just something I personally decided to do without. I’ve spent a lot of time in thought over the spirit of depression that tries to hover over my life. Is it a genetic predisposition? Likely so. Is it a generation curse, with there being an unseen war in the spiritual realm? I believe so. Can those generational curses be broken? I definitely think so. Is depression often situational? I believe so. Can I control all of these factors to ward it off? Not at all. I have made decisions over the past four years or so that I think help. I avoid depressant substances, even though I use to depend on them to chase the sadness away. (That never really worked as well as I thought it did). I began to cast my burdens on The Lord rather than bury them inside my head. When my situation in life changed, and I became a mother, leaving behind so many things that brought me down, I wasn’t suddenly cured, or free from that heavy spirit of defeating depression. On any given day, even now, out of no where, it can threaten me, falling on me like a heavy weight around my neck. I am able to recognize it immediately, and immediately launch into prayer, asking Jesus to take it from me. I do believe this helps me, but I can still sense the sadness there at the edges, waiting for a weak moment to slip back in. I persevere, but also with the knowledge that this is not something I have to bear alone. My God is with me, always, and that lessens the heaviness of the load. I’ve watched the cycles of sadness change, and become less and less. I believe in healing, and believe it in my life. I know trials will come, some I may not be ready to even think about, but I know He is with me, to comfort me, to guide me, to rescue me from any darkness that threatens to consume me. Some people may not be healed of depression completely until they enter the perfect peace of Heaven, even me in a way, but I have found it an easier burden to bear here on earth by placing it at His feet.

Psalm 40:1-3
1 I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
and put their trust in him.

That is all 🙂

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original image from katerawlings.com

3 Facts for the Day (Perfect Peace Edition)

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  1. It was absolutely horrible that first year out of school as a new registered nurse. I remember initially turning down a job from a hospital because they were offering to pay me as a new graduate. I had been delivering care as a Navy Corpsman and felt I was more advanced than your run-of-the-mill new graduate. Then I started my first job in critical care and my tiny mind was blown. I was confronted with the fact of just how little I really knew. I was like a big ole sponge in a tiny body. I didn’t just learn something new every time I worked, but rather learned a lot of new somethings. Bless the heart of my preceptor for her patience in the face of my arsenal of questions. I was basically a nervous wreck. I would pray my way to work, begging God that I wouldn’t mess up too bad and end up unwillingly killing someone. I lost 20 pounds as I was usually nauseated, and seldom had an appetite to speak of. When I arrived for my shift, an astounding 30 minutes early, my first stop was usually the bathroom to suffer from a nervous stomach. I was kind of like a little jack-in-the box back then. I was just one crank away from exploding out of my box of sanity. I watched the nurses around me throughout that season of my life with envy and awe. How could they laugh so easily while chaos ran rampant, telling a joke while a patient lay unresponsive and struggling, but never missing a beat in the orchestra of saving a life. I just didn’t get it, but I wanted to.
  2. My husband is as cool as a cucumber. When I get worked up about something, which is pretty often, he is like an anchor that keeps me from going adrift. When I got all bent out of shape about overdrawing our checking account, he responded with, “Haha. It happens to everybody.” Seriously, that is a direct texted quote. Yesterday he texted me nonchalantly about the baby having a fever greater than 102. I’ll be honest. I wanted to flip out a little bit. He helped reel me in and remind me that she was non-symptomatic and happy as could be. In the face of trouble, conflict, or mix-ups he is a stone wall. Occasionally I want to peek behind his ear for a microchip or something to indicate he is really a robot. Either that or shake him with unbridled jealousy for his stoic nature. Truthfully, though it sometimes drives me a teensy bit crazy, mostly I’m envious of his calm, collected demeanor in the face of adversity. He continues to inspire me, as I think I occasionally do him.
  3. This morning when I woke I was bone tired. (Today I actually felt like I could possibly be diagnosed with narcolepsy, for I was certain I almost passed out while standing a number of times). I stood in the shower and realized I felt dread. I don’t like that feeling as I think it’s kinfolk to fear. I found myself a little worried about what my day would hold, and was concerned if I was up for it. I had the opportunity this morning to read a couple of scriptures, and they seemed to be following a central theme even though they were in two different devotional locations.

Isaiah 26:3
3 You will keep in perfect peace
those whose minds are steadfast,
because they trust in you.

John 14:1
Jesus Comforts His Disciples
1 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.

So, at that point I was wondering, Oh dear. What kind of day must be in store for me if God is trying so hard to get His point across?! Today was a full day, full of many jobs, many responsibilities, many concerns, many problems. But I had made up my mind before I walked in the door that I would be in perfect peace. I committed that first verse to memory and repeated it to myself before I left my car. Some might say a calm demeanor in nursing is earned after experience in the field. I can agree with that, but attitude is everything. You can decide whether you want to approach your day with dread and spastic worry, or with an attitude of peace and calm, level-headed determination. If you just know it’s going to be bad, then it likely will be. You’ve written the end of the story before it’s even begun. Your attitude will also flow into others. It’s like when a baby falls. If you act panicked or concerned, they’ll cry. Laugh, and they do too. Approach those around you with joy, positivity, and serenity, and they’ll give it back. Any situation goes smoother if those around you feel like you have it under control. I remember a song from the musical The King and I that had the chorus whistled. It went a little like this:

Whenever I feel afraid, I hold my head erect and whistle a happy tune, so no one will suspect I’m afraid.
The result of this deception is very strange to tell, for when I fool the people I fear, I fool myself as well.

I do like that, but I got to thinking that faith is even better than that. Faith isn’t a deception. Faith is believing the very solid truth that our God is in control. When you can convince your stubborn human mind to remember that, then the panic, fear, dread, etc. dissipates and calm, clarity ensues. I still use a few coping mechanisms as well to calm myself. If you hear me singing while a patient is circling the drain, realize that I’m not a weirdo, that’s just my way of relaxing myself. So, next time you feel afraid, try it. Whistle a little tune. Sing a little song. Pray. Accept the perfect peace. It makes things a great deal easier.
That is all 🙂

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Photo credit: idmb.com

3 Facts for the Day (Insufficient Funds; Good Mood Overdrawn)

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  1. She’s been training for a couple of years now, so it’s only natural that my three year old is finally coming into her own, and really starting to excel at completely trashing my living room, or any room in the house for that matter, especially if I just finished picking up. I suppose she’s like a budding Picasso, and a bare floor resembles a blank canvas to her artistically destructive eye. Asking her to pick up her own mess is the absolute worst torture I can dish out on that child. Her shoulders will sag inward while her chin crashes into her chest, and the most pitiful sigh issues from her tiny peasant, slave child mouth. Today after we played her favorite game of “let me undo what mom just did,” I insisted she clean up the existing mess that completely painted my living room rug with a coat of discarded toys prior to granting her request to pull baby furniture out of the nursery (because playing with her own toys just isn’t as much fun). She attempted the task of cleaning with the reward of making future messes dancing in her head. At one point I heard her groan in angered exasperation. I peeked into the room and her pants were around her thighs while her arms were full of stuffed puppies. “My pants keep falling down! I can’t do it!” I wanted to laugh out loud at her miniature temper tantrum over saggy pants and the exhausting chore of moving a toy from point A to point B (approximately two feet).
  2. Well, instead of laughing I filed it away. I do that a lot. I see my child do something ridiculous and then I realize, she comes by it naturally. I’ve been on the border of throwing my toys in the air and screaming in frustration most of the day. My day started okay, but for me it seems like a single event can alter the coarse of my perfectly pleasant day in record time. I don’t like that fact, nor do I condone it, but I really have trouble changing it. My day took a detour to Sucksville when I logged onto my bank account. Payday is tomorrow, but I needed milk and other essentials today. I quickly entered my password to see just how much I could spend. I was drying my hair at the time (yes, I frequently multi-task) and almost dropped my hair dryer in the sink when I saw my balance. It was negative! How did that happen?! It seems that your normally put together to the fraction of a cent, financial guru, queen of the checkbook woman got it wrong. In my haste and distraction I apparently forgot to log a large check, one that I’m not accustomed to writing, one that I wrote over two weeks ago, and that was finally cashed yesterday. I have never done this in my twenty years of having a checking account. I almost felt like a man from the bank was likely waiting at my front door ready to slap me into shackles and throw me in the vault along with my useless, bounced check, where we could ponder the error of our ways via overdraft fees.
  3. I immediately texted my husband. When I want to feel stupid and angry at myself, the poor man usually has to listen. Naturally he sent reassuring texts with cute, kissie-faced emoticons telling me it was no big deal. He even tried sending adult content, suggestive texts to make me giggle (which they did), but I had convinced myself I was a moron. Since I couldn’t stop there, I also began to dwell on finances period (I still needed that milk), which is never really an uplifting experience. I followed up by feeling sorry for myself, thinking, Why are we always broke? I hate being poor! Never mind the fact that we are far from poor and actually pretty blessed as far as hundred-aires (aka lower, middle class) goes. I was on a roll, and I wouldn’t stop until I was sufficiently in a bad mood, and had ruined my entire day with my negative attitude. I’m not sure why I do that, why I allow one bad apple to ruin my entire barrel. But I do. I found myself praying for God to help change my attitude (which is a good thing I think), and also asking forgiveness for such a poor one at that (which is probably also a pretty good idea), but then I also realized something. Some days are just going to be bad. Some days something bad is going to happen. It’s going to really suck on days like that. I may not can fix it or change it, but I can keep going. Once I told myself it was okay to feel bad, I actually felt better. I can not fall victim to giving up. Just because my attitude was poor today doesn’t reflect what it will be tomorrow. I can start new. I found the time to wash my sheets tonight, and similarly I can lay my mind down fresh when I go to bed, pray for God to clean it, and wake up ready for another day. Even if my arms get full and my pants fall around my ankles, I will not say “I can’t do it,” because I can, and I will. I have to. There’s new beautiful messes waiting to be made. Because really that’s where the fun is at. I won’t beat myself too hard for the overdraft, or even for my ensuing mood. It’s like my husband said, “It’s over. It’s done with, and you can’t change it, so move on.”

Lamentations 3:22-23
22 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

And I’ll take that as my own. You can too.
That is all 🙂

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3 Facts for the Day (The Beautiful Design That is Woman)

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  1. Well great! I thought sarcastically, as I dabbed at the tears pooling in my lower lids, threatening to spill out down my cheeks. And this would happen to occur on only the second time this year I had worn eyeliner. I was watching a gum commercial. That’s right, a gum commercial. In my defense, it was a very dramatic, and “tug at the heart” emotional gum commercial. I remember as a child laughing at my mother when I would see her cry after seeing an animal hit on the side of the road, or bawl like a baby over make-believe movies. I got older, had kids, and one day, as I cried over the cheerleaders in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade (they were so precious), I realized I had become my mom. I had become an emotionally fragile crybaby. Some might consider this a curse, others a weakness. I consider it a testament to the beautiful design that is called woman.
  2. Earlier a patient and I were discussing our time in Naval service. This led to the topic of having children while active duty, and the stresses of deployment with a family. I explained to him that this was a main reason for my separation from active duty, my decision to not have a family while serving. I actually commend a woman who can be apart from her children for a deployment, as I could not. My patient commented that while he served, if a woman became pregnant, she would be discharged. Even my mother was given the option during the 70s. She chose to be honorably discharged while pregnant with me. When I served active duty in 2001, I held more of a feminine view point than I do now, but I still understood a woman’s weaknesses and her strengths. I have never been a champion for women serving on the front lines. Not only are men typically stronger (it’s simple physiological muscle mass in relation to fat reserves), they also have different mental make-up. Women are emotionally more vulnerable, and even if men try not to, they will usually take the dominant role, protecting their female counterpart. In a combat situation this could cause a male to take different actions to protect a woman standing beside him versus a man. Even as my patient and I spoke of his current medical condition, we were aware of the physical differences of male vs. female. His petite female nurse the day before had required help from a larger male to hold continuous pressure with great force to cease bleeding from an artery. I told my patient I was fully aware of my limitations, and I knew I would have asked for help as well.
  3. My other patient happened to be a female. As we walked down the hall together, I was proud of her strength, stamina, and ability to recover so well and so quickly considering her recent major surgery. I commented as much to her. Then I added a small known fact, that women tend to heal faster than men post-operatively. And this is true. Interestingly enough, our female patients experience less pain, comment on their pain less, get up and moving faster, and overall have a more optimistic attitude when compared with men. This would lead one to question, “Why would a physically weaker woman heal faster than the dominant male?” I could be wrong, but I personally think that this example is a window into how a woman’s gentle, emotional frailty can be a strength when drawn upon. Women are emotional creatures, quick to weep, and just as quick to love fiercely and completely. The emotional vulnerability that causes a woman to cry also causes her to love others more than herself. It is almost as if any strength she has is poured out to those around her. When faced with pain, a woman has an amazing reserve within her in which she is able to tap and move gracefully through trial and hardship. Her vast ability to overcome struggle is only matched by her capacity to comfort others. It seems, when she is weak, she is strong. Although I’ve always recognized the physiological differences, I haven’t always viewed a woman as the submissive counterpart to a man as I do now. Even early in my marriage, I strove to have the upper hand, wishing to control all situations. As I’ve advanced a little bit in my walk with Christ, I’ve changed my thinking to more parallel God’s word.

Ephesians 5:22-33 ESV
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, …

I began to see how God designed man and woman each with their own specific purposes, strengths, and weaknesses.

1 Peter 3:7 ESV
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

I began to understand that it was a team concept, where each had their God given trait to compliment and enhance that of the other.

Genesis 2:18 ESV
Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”

A man, in all his strength, protects his wife. When he is weary, she comforts him. Her apparent emotional weakness is the tool with which she pours love upon her family. Her weakness is made strength for those who need her, even if that someone is sometimes herself. I believe that a woman’s beautiful weakness and fragility is a deep well where Christ may dwell and pour out unrealized power when it is most needed.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
9 Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. 10 If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. 11 Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? 12 A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.

It’s a perfect, beautiful design where everyone has a place, and each weakness or strength is wonderfully blended to compliment the unit as a whole. So I suppose if I cry over a gum commercial, that’s ok. The design that is me is just what it should be.
That is all 🙂

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