- Random thoughts:
Last night when I laid down to go to sleep, Chloe was asleep in her bed (no applause required) and Bailey was asleep in her room. I felt so odd, like a limb was missing. I don’t know how to function without a kid hanging off me. It’s like when I occasionally, though rarely, go somewhere without them. I glance in the backseat and have a mini panic attack, thinking I left them at the store or something.
I am so used to having a baby cry, that I hear it even when she’s not crying. I sprang awake at 4 am and went to her room when I thought I heard her crying. She was fast asleep. The humidifier produces a white noise that is no longer peaceful to me. It only succeeds in playing tricks on my weary mind. I also heard her when I was in the shower. You guessed it. She was asleep.
As I gazed at my sleeping husband this morning, with his “more salt than there is pepper” hair sweeping back from his forehead, I realized something. He is more handsome to me as we’ve aged, then he was as a young man. I’m sure the depth of my growing love for him influences that a little bit.
I don’t drive fast. I’ve even been described as “driving like a grandma”. This morning, though, I realized that people looking for Saturday yard sales drive incredibly too slow for me as I’m headed to work. - Today at work I received training on a new emergency code we are going to start using. I’m talking about when they call out overhead “code blue” or something like that. Today’s new code that was discussed was one for the emergency case of a shooter on the premises. I’m talking about a mentally unstable person shooting innocent victims. We watched a very realistic film with a crazed man in black unloading his shotgun on scared people running about. Afterwards, my co-workers discussed their fear over such an incident. I am grateful that I don’t have to live in fear with my faith in place, but I will admit that’s a frightening scenario. It also saddens me to think of such a situation. Like the bombing in Boston or innocent deaths by abortion, senseless mass shootings make my heart ache for our country. We had several patients who were victims of violence, and a co-worker stated that we as a society were “going to hell in a hand basket”. I told her I still have hope. I started to sing “I believe the children are our future.” While I was making light of the situation, I do believe it’s true. Call me overly optimistic, but I have hope for our little world. I believe there’s good people out there doing good things. I won’t bury my head in the sand to the bad stuff, but I also won’t let the turkeys get me down.
- This morning I saw a post on Facebook from a friend who just so happens to have a relative I’m pretty unhappy with. This person was very cruel and unfair in their treatment of me and my family. It got me to thinking about it, and I was just stewing. I started replaying the offense, and adding fuel to the fire of my anger. As I spent my quiet morning time being mad at someone I may never see again, it hit me. This was a huge waste of my time. There was so many more important things I could set my thoughts on. So, I laid it down. I asked God to help me forgive this person, and more importantly, let it go. It had taken up enough space in my happy place. It’s gone! We all know forgiveness is the key to freedom, but we too easily forget. Thankful today for reminders along my journey.
That is all π
3 Facts for the Day
- This morning I woke up and felt kind of bummed out. This is a common occurrence for a Friday. If you’re a close friend or frequent reader, then you know Friday is sometimes a melancholy day for me. It signals the time to return to work. While I love nursing, my heart currently resides with mothering, and this makes going to work difficult. It’s only two days, you may say. Well, that’s two days I can’t spend at home. Maybe it’s silly to you, but that’s ok. That’s not the point anyway. The point is more of a follow up to yesterday’s post. I spoke of faith, child like faith. When I found myself feeling blue this morning, I wanted to turn around and kick my own self in the rear end. How could I be down? How could I be dwelling on my current situation when I know God hears the cries of my heart? That’s faith, right? When you know God is working to make the way for you, so you wait patiently for His timing. That’s it, right? I couldn’t believe the same woman who cried while reading Hebrews yesterday, so thankful for God’s faithfulness, could now be fretting over not having my prayer answered in a Burger King fashion (my way, right away).
- I’m always so proud of how Chloe is constantly learning things. I love to see her mind blossom. Last night we worked in an activity book, and I enjoyed seeing her catch on so quickly. For a child who can brush her own teeth, get dressed with minimal assistance from me, and manage to get whatever snack she desires from the kitchen; she certainly seems to not comprehend the baby’s nap time. Every single time, without fail, that I get Bailey to sleep, Chloe will appear out of no where and use her loudest voice to address me. I have told her time and again that if she can just wait until I get the baby asleep and in her room behind a closed door, then I can give her all my attention. It seems so simple to me. Wake the baby, you get no attention. Wait till she’s asleep, you get it all! I know she understands. I know she does. But she can’t wait.
- Even the baby knows that when she cries, Momma will come. She is such a secure infant, and usually upon waking, does not cry, but simply calls out for me with a simple squeal. I have always been the type to try and calm her crying within a short period of time so she finds security in knowing that if she needs help, I’m here. Occasionally, she will wake prematurely from her nap and begin to cry. At these times, I stand listening to the baby monitor, but do not go to her. I know full well she needs to sleep some more, and my presence would only pull her out of slumber. God spoke to me this morning on all this. Sometimes you may feel like you’re praying without ceasing, your intentions are good and Christ centered, and you truly believe He can answer you. So what’s the problem you wonder. You may even wonder if He hears you! Consider the fact that He may be standing over the monitor, but waiting to come to you with your request until the right time. He knows you’re not ready. I know this! Chloe knows not to talk loud when I’m rocking the baby. I have to consistently remind her to be quiet. I also have to consistently remind myself to be quiet, to be still, to know that He is God. Like Chloe, if I can wait for the right time, the reward will be great. He told me today that He was going before me and making the way straight, that He had already started answering my prayer. I’m grateful that my Father understands when I forget, and He has to remind me. His comfort and peace that fall upon me help me to rest in His presence, like the baby, and keep my faith knowing that when I cry, He hears me.
I don’t have it all figured out by any means, but I hope you enjoy joining with me to figure it out together. I’ll try not to be too hard on myself, and don’t you either. Father is good.
That is all π
3 Facts for the Day
- This morning, after Chloe had used the bathroom, she washed her hands. I put the soap where she could reach it, allowing her to “do it all by myself”. After she had gotten a nice lather worked up, she extended her hands towards the mirror to wash them too. I stated, “Please don’t do that.” “Why?” she asked. I started to explain my reasons for not wanting a soap streaked mirror, but instead replied, “Because Mommy said.” “Oh” she said, and began to rinse her hands happily without a second thought as to why she couldn’t wash the mirror. Wow. Just stay with me, ok. I left the room, and went into the kitchen. Minutes later I heard Chloe coming through the house calling out, “Mommy, where are you?” “I’m in here.” I replied. She retorted, “Mommy I couldn’t see you. I didn’t know where you were.” I told her, “Mommy is always here, even if you can’t see me.” “I just did it myself.” she replied. I responded, “You can always call out for me and I’ll come help you.” Can you see where this is going? God is good isn’t He?
- A little bit later, Chloe was ready to go outside. I let her pick out her own outfit. It makes her feel big, and I could see no harm, even if it didn’t match as well as it would have if I had picked it out. It was time for the baby to nap, and I was hesitant to let her go outside when I couldn’t eyeball her the entire time. She was persistent to the point of tears, and I knew Bailey would fall asleep quickly. I gave instructions to be careful, stay in the backyard, and yell really loud if she needed anything. I kept the back door open so I could hear her, and went to rock the baby. I allowed her to play outside of my watchful eye per her insistence, but she remained in my yard and earshot. Well, inevitably, she fell while running with the dog. I heard her cry immediately and ran to her. I cleaned her scrapes, kissed the pain away, and topped it off with a bandaid. When given the choice, she decided to wait to go out and play again until I could be there with her. I put two choices before her, and she chose the one that offered security.
- What if we could have faith like a child? When I told Chloe not to put soapy water on the mirror because I said so, she accepted that without question. What if we could see our relationship with God like that of a parent? He is, after all, our Heavenly Father. We can call out to Him in times of need and He will come. We may not see Him, but He is there. Again this would be the perfect time to embrace a child-like faith. Chloe now understands that if she calls out Momma, I will come. I’m human and won’t always be present if she calls, but we can be certain that our Heavenly Father never leaves our side. I would encourage you to read Hebrews chapter 11. It speaks of faith. Imagine the faith Abraham had when it came time to sacrifice Isaac. Imagine the faith Noah had when instructed to build the Ark. Think of Moses. It goes on and on. Yet, He gives us free will. He gives us the choice to have faith and pursue life, or to try and make our own way. Sometimes we fuss like a temper tantrum throwing child. We think we now the best way to accomplish our goals. We don’t like His timing and let our faith fall away. We take off running across the dirt, and inevitably fall. The wonderful thing is that He keeps us in His yard, and is always there to pick us up and clean off our scrapes. So I guess the question is, have you tried to leave the yard and don’t think He can hear your cry? It’s ok. He left the door open.
That is all π
3 Facts for the Day
- Busy day today at the Gowen home, or rather a busy day away from the Gowen home. I went to the dermatologist today, and took the girls. No, I haven’t lost my mind. I took my Aunt with me to keep them entertained. It was just an annual check-up. I inherited my Mom’s “freckles”. Oh, who am I kidding? They’re moles. Sometimes I feel like a wicked witch. No one in the Mommy Club informed me that my “beauty marks” would grow and multiply as a bonus to pregnancy. I guess it goes along with other unmentionables like add 1/2 a shoe size for each baby, invest in glasses (even though your vision used to be 20/10), and grab a purple marker for fun to play connect the varicose veins. Even the Anesthetist administering my epidural told me I should go get my moles checked. Geez. If you’re concerned, don’t be. The Dr. glimpsed at them for 5 seconds and told me they were benign. Yay me.
- We decided to enjoy a leisurely day in Tupelo after my appointment. Chloe enjoyed a ride on the carousel with her Aunt while I made circles of my own putting a fussy baby to sleep. They’ve got a little play area at the mall. Ben and I have never let Chloe go in there due to so many larger children running about. We’re just a tad overprotective. I noticed a sign there advertising child drop off at the Sears. Are you kidding me? I couldn’t drop my 2 year old off with strangers, and who knows what else. I did mention I’m a tad protective, right? Anyway, today there were only a few small children present, so I let her play. She had so much fun. It’s funny what you’ll spend time doing for your child. Today I sat on carpet that resembled grass and watched Chloe climb a plastic tree. There was a child there running around on all fours like a character from The Jungle Book. It didn’t help that she was growling as she chased my little girl. I had a moment of fear of rabies, but managed to stay seated and let it work itself out. While I was nursing the baby with my handy dandy breast feeding apron, my Aunt drew my attention to an awesome shirt in a window across the way. I gazed with wanting, but suddenly felt a breeze. I then realized Bailey had thrown off the apron and had delatched leaving my nipple on display for the world. Sorry single Dad sitting across from me! While we were barefoot, my Aunt and I noticed we have the same feet. This is always nice to see someone around who shares my same genetic make-up, since Mom is gone and Dad adopted me. I do hope the girls don’t get our feet though. Talk about monkey toes. I could show that plastic tree and the Jungle Book kid a thing or two.
- The only problem with being gone all day is the coming home part, especially if it’s late. I always try to do too much. I don’t know why. I just do. Tonight I caught myself cooking dinner, feeding Bailey rice cereal, and giving Chloe a bath, simultaneously. It’s amusing, I’m sure, to watch me brown ground beef, spoon feed, and put pajamas on a squirming two year old all at the same time. Then, it’s like they know you’re in a hurry to get things done before bed, and they just try to mess with you. Bailey pooped through her fresh pajamas after her bath. Chloe poured everyone’s shampoo out into the tub. Once her pajamas where on and I asked her to go get her brush, she came back with no brush, but soaking wet pajamas from pouring the bottle of detangling spray out on herself. Meanwhile the baby is screaming because she’s ready for bed, and a pot of pasta is boiling over. This is when the real test begins of if I can hold my prior life as a potty mouth at bay. I passed tonight, but only by the skin of my teeth. The good thing about a full day of fun away from home is that all people under 3 fall asleep early and sleep soundly. Glad I thought to stop and rent a movie for Mommy and Daddy.
That is all π
3 Facts for the Day
- I couldn’t imagine spending such a beautiful day merely doing chores. My sensible self tried, but fun Mommy prevailed. When I asked Chloe what she wanted to do, she quickly replied, “Get an icee and go to the park.” That sounded good to me, so that’s exactly what we did. We initially went to the playground. Chloe ran about having a blastie blast, and I carried the baby in the backpack. My worry wart, alter ego consistently checked the baby for excess sun exposure (even though she had a hat and pants on), and paced around below after Chloe, ever diligent for bullies, bees, and loose boards. When Chloe’s cheeks were as beet red as I would allow, we took a water break and I loaded the girls into the stroller for a walk in the shade. We took many breaks along the way. At one point Chloe plopped down on a patch of cool, green grass, and I thought that certainly looked more fun than walking. We played hide and seek. We made silly faces, and took pictures to send to Daddy. Chloe helps me remember to relax and have fun. I imagine everyone’s day would improve if they took a break to lay in the clovers and just laugh and laugh.
- I’m fully aware that I don’t exercise much. It is more evident when my child proves she doesn’t even recognize the act. On the walking trail, two men jogged past us. Chloe asked loudly, “Why are those boys running so fast?” They certainly got a good chuckle. I’m sure I could exercise more for the health benefits, but I’m not very motivated to run off to the gym if it takes time away from what I enjoy. I applaud those who do, I just don’t enjoy it. I may have days where I don’t like my waistline, but overall I’m pretty content with where I am. I’m certainly not bothered enough by my pants size that I’ve bothered to put in P90X again! As I walked through the shade with my girls, I felt content with where I am in all areas. I felt it today even as I folded laundry and made lunch for everybody. If you can be content serving others, then you are truly happy. I may not be a size 2. I may not have my dream job. I may still want my kitchen sick to be bigger y’all! But that is ok. I am where God wants me now, and I am fine with that.
- As we went to leave, Chloe whined a bit that she wanted to go back to the playground. We had taken an extremely leisurely stroll, and had spent a considerable amount of time throwing rocks in the water. This meant time had run out, and we needed to go. I assured her that we had the whole summer, and would come back many times. Surprisingly, this seemed to appease her. I could take a cue from her. If even my impatient two year old can understand that there is always time to do it tomorrow, then maybe I can learn that too. While I hate procrastinators, I could use a little of that gene every once and a while. It’s ok if I don’t finish all the housework in one day. I guess maybe she is teaching me something. After all, I did leave a sink full of dishes, and went to the park instead. Of course, y’all know it doesn’t take very many bowls and cups to fill that sink. It’s ok. I may wash them tonight, but I may color instead. I’m trying to bring out more of my two year old self.
That is all π
3 Facts for the Day
- I went and took flowers to my Mother’s grave today. I worked on Mother’s Day, so I chose today to take her flowers. I wanted to go when Ben could accompany me. In the past I’ve gotten pretty upset while graveside. So it’s nice to have his strong shoulder to spill my tears upon. I honestly don’t go often. For one, I don’t feel like she’s there. Her body is there, but not her spirit. When I go to her grave, it makes me think about her body being there, and that just seems depressing to me. I have a memory of her open casket and it makes me cringe. After her spirit had left her, the body that remained did not resemble her at all to me. It’s much better to remember her life and the special memories we have.
- I recall one in particular. When I was in my late teens and early twenties I had a love/hate relationship with my Mom. I’m sure a lot of young women do. I wasn’t in a place in life where I could understand why she did what she did, so I reacted with anger. As I grew older and became a woman, our relationship deepened into a beautiful thing. When my husband was deployed to Iraq, she came and spent a week with me. I still had to work at the Naval hospital, as most of my employees under me had been deployed as well. One night Mom and I rented a movie called 8 Mile. If you haven’t seen it, it’s a movie about a young rapper trying to rise above his surroundings and make it in the music biz. It has these scenes with rap battles, where two rappers argue back and forth with lyrics ridiculing the other. You’d just have to watch it to understand, if you can get past the foul language. Anyway, when I returned home from work, I could tell Mom was excited. She had sat around all day writing rap lyrics and gathering her best “gangsta” wardrobe. She was ready to battle! We spent that evening rapping back and forth and even taped the epic footage for my Dad. She made a difficult and sad time for me, a crazy, fun adventure that I cherish in my memory.
- When we went to the grave today something unexpected occurred. I did not cry. As I put the flowers down at the foot of her grave, Chloe ran happily across the grass, tossing a doll into the air. My only thought was, “If Mom is looking down on us, she’s probably pretty tickled to see Chloe running about.” She wouldn’t want us to stand there and cry. She was a joyful woman, always making others laugh, and doing silly thinks like epic rap battles. She would want us to be like Chloe, smiling and carefree. So I didn’t cry. It doesn’t mean I miss her any less. I just find myself enjoying life around me more, as I know she would want me to do. I knew where I was going today. Usually that would fill me with a slight dread over the upcoming confrontation of my grief, but not today. When I awoke to a bird song, and found a newborn bird in a nest directly outside my window; I knew things would be different today. Like a new birth, healing comes. I think that’s what Mom would want.
I love you Mommy, and look forward to our next epic rap battle.
This blog is dedicated in memory of Martha Louise Graves
10/01/1954-10/13/2008
That is all π
3 Facts for the Day
- I’ve spent Mother’s Day in true Motherly fashion by trudging along in a haze of exhaustion. My dear baby girl, who has been sleeping 9 hour stretches at night for the past week, woke prematurely at 2 am. I had already stayed up later than intended reading books to Chloe. I ended up reading myself to sleep, and she wandered off to play with Daddy’s iPhone. I have to give credit to the hubby. He tried to take Bailey so I could sleep a bit more, but in the end she wanted Mommy. After another feeding, she went from spastic tears to screeching giggles. She just wanted to socialize with me. I guess she missed me yesterday. And that’s what Mommy is for. So, Happy Mother’s Day to me, Bailey style.
- My husband got me a fantastic gift for Mother’s Day. I’m quite certain it is my most favorite gift ever! It’s a silver locket with little birthstone girls inside. I’m very proud of it. I had a fleeting thought after I got it, “ohh, I gotta show Mom.” I quickly remembered I couldn’t. It’s been over 4 years since she passed away, and I still do it. I think about calling her, or telling her something. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop doing that.
- That leaves me with two separate moods on Mother’s Day. On one hand, I still grieve my Mother not being here. I know she is with Jesus and better off, but I still selfishly want her here with me. On the other hand, I am so joyful to celebrate the greatest gift I have ever received, the gift of Motherhood. I remember when Ben and I decided to have out first child. I had taken care of young siblings growing up. I liked kids. I knew I’d enjoy being a parent, but I had no idea. I didn’t realize that as the relationship with my child grew, that I would feel like a missing piece of the puzzle was found. It was like I was made to be a Mommy, and was just waiting to fill that space of my heart with the love for a child. I’m grateful my Mom showed me how to do it.
Happy Mother’s Day to all.
That is all π
3 Facts for the Day
- Last night I went to dinner with Napoleon. That is the only way I can think to describe the little person in the restaurant with me. We don’t go out to eat much. Maybe that was the problem. There were other children there. Maybe she was trying to impress them. I don’t know. All I know is the look on my two year old’s face was not hers. We had a knock-down, drag-out, full-blown hissy fit. Call it a melt down, if you will. I asked Chloe to sit down and quit running about. She disobeyed me. She looked at me with a mean glare, and said, “No!” Do what? It didn’t stop there. I tried to reign her in, and she further revolted. I won’t go into nasty details. Just know it ended with her screaming and crying, while I’m threatening to take her to the bathroom, and every eye in the place is glued on the show. By that point, what can you do? You can’t spank em in public. You have to try and de-escalate the situation, and regroup later.
- So that’s what I did. I didn’t grab her kicking and screaming off to the bathroom. Maybe I should have. I don’t know. In my defense, I did have a baby in my arms. I calmed her down, and being as two year old as possible, her tears quickly dried, and she began to chatter happily to her cousin. So, that left me to regroup. What that means is I spend the next 24 hours stewing over what I did that caused her to behave that way, what I should have done differently at the time, and what I can do to prevent future incidents. Don’t laugh at me! That’s what I do.
- I found myself worrying if I wasn’t teaching her properly. Was I giving a poor example for behavior? Am I too lenient? Am I too harsh? I fretted and fretted. This morning, I woke up still thinking about it. I talked to God about it as I got ready for work. A song came to mind that has the words, “when I fix my eyes on all that you are.” It seemed so simple then. Instead of worrying if I should do this or do that, I just seek Him. By meditating on His word through scripture and prayerful consideration, I will hear His voice and urging or wisdom on how I should proceed. It’s always going to be a fine balance for me. I can’t help it. When I got in the car, a song was ending and the words went, “don’t over think it.” Yes. I’ll be mindful of my actions and reactions, but rather than drilling myself on if I’m doing it right, I’ll just set my eyes on His character. Yes, this is something I remind myself of often. I’m sure my Abba Father is shaking His head.
That is all π
3 Facts for the Day
- I’m quite certain that there’s one thing I have figured out about parenting after my second child, and that is that I don’t even know half of what there is to know about parenting. I’m not even sure I know a quarter of it. I’ve said before that parenting is a humbling experience, and there is no truer statement than that. It is easier with the second one, but it in no way means that you got it figured out. Kids don’t come with instruction manuals because each child would require its own unique guide. Bailey has slept for over 9 hours straight the past two nights. I’m not complaining, I’m just perplexed. Chloe woke every two hours to eat until at least nine months of age, maybe longer. I was always confused when I heard or read a woman talking about it or if someone asked me, “Is she sleeping through the night yet?” I would smile, and say, “Why yes she is!” I would walk away confused, thinking “do babies do that?! When would they eat?!” From 3 weeks old, Bailey has slept long stretches at night. But I’ll admit this 9 hour business had freaked me out. I worried, “Is she sick? Is she getting enough to eat?” I did what I always do. I went to my trusted parenting advisor, google. It said 5 month old babies can sleep 9-10 hour stretches. Well, I’ll be! I knew she was fat, happy, and had plenty of wet diapers, but seeing a trusted parenting site say it was ok helped me relax a bit after that. It’s a learn as you go kinda thing.
- Another humbling part about parenting is how you handle things. Having a child will take a normally put together person and tear them apart. Seriously. You think you know how it will be when you’re first expecting. You think it will be like having a precious doll to dress up. People will try to tell you different, and you smile and shake your head up and down, saying, “I know girl!” Then one day you look at yourself in the mirror and see your roots are overgrown, your nails are chipped (if you somehow found the precious amount of time to paint them last week), and there’s already an unidentified stain on your shirt (you just changed!). Then, you realize you don’t even care. You find you’re spending you’re time on nurturing, feeding, and changing others, and when you finish doing that, you do it again. I cherish my children, but sometimes I forget to relax. Today right after I got dressed, the baby spit up all over me. I sighed in exasperation. Chloe was standing there and said, “It’s ok Momma. It’s just spit-up.” She walked off and came back with a paper towel. She said, “It will wipe off.” Smart girl. Humbled.
- As I pulled out of the driveway earlier with the girls in tow, I realized I had forgotten something. I went back, retrieved it, locked the door, and got back in the car. As I put the car in reverse, I remembered my phone was in the house. I thought, “What is wrong with me? Will I ever get it together?” When I got back in the car, I felt my frustration, so I silently prayed. God asked me, “Why are you in such a hurry anyway? It’s ok. What you think is important, it’s not that important.” As we drove along, I noticed how crowded the city was. Coming up on a stop light, a car zoomed ahead of me and slammed on its brakes. I said, “It’s not worth dying over Mister.” Chloe piped up from the backseat, “Why is he so fast?” Good question little one. He arrived at Walmart the same time I did. When I found my parking place among the hordes of other traffic, it began to rain and both girls were asleep. I just sat in the stillness. “No need to rush. No need to wake them. It’s not that important” I thought. Humbled.
That is all π
3 Facts for the Day
- When I was in the Navy, I would count down the days to be able to fly back home. My parent’s house was like a safe haven. It was like a child’s security blanket. When I came down the drive-way and saw the porch light on like a beacon, calling me inside to its warm confines, a peace and happiness would wash over me. I was always welcome there. Even in my thirties when I moved back to Mississippi, my folks welcomed me with open arms and fixed me up a room to stay until I got back on my feet. After my Mom’s death, we tried to keep the warmness of the home alive. There was still love and memories there. When my Dad remarried, he moved to his wife’s house and closed up our family home.
- I went to my family’s land today. My Aunt still lives on the property, and I was checking on her cats while she’s out of town. I decided to go look at my childhood home. I have keys, but I never go there. When he first closed it up, I went and retrieved special keepsakes and trinkets and such that I wanted in my own home. That was a hard thing to do, because I wanted to take everything. When you miss someone so much, even a simple hot pink, ballet flat can have all these memories attached. I don’t go there anymore because it makes me sad. An empty house is a depressing one.
- Today as I walked onto the porch, a breeze was blowing and it made Mom’s wind chimes tinkle away. She loved her chimes, and I smile when I think of how many she acquired, and how all the noise irritated my Dad. I didn’t stay long. The girls were asleep in the car. I made a quick sweep of the inside. The house had the scent of being forgotten, and it hurt my heart. My Mom’s favorite chair sat empty. An mural she was making of a beach scene hung unfinished on the wall. We all helped make a part of it, and the boat I made sits motionless on an ocean that never gets viewed. We cleaned out her closet, but today I noticed a chest of drawers that still held some of her clothing. I could swear I smelled her on them. I saw on a shelf a wooden sign I had made her for her birthday, and I almost took it with me, but it just seemed better that it should stay. I wanted to take some things with me that I saw, but in the end, I only grabbed some children’s books for Chloe. It’s hard to go home sometimes, they say, especially when only memories remain. Well, that, and over twenty years of stuff. I know in my heart that my Mom isn’t mourning over the loss of her house or her wind chimes, or even her figurines from Germany. No, she has more important things to do now. I’m human though, and still conflicted by thoughts of loss. So, I think it’s ok to be a little sad that my childhood home is no more. I left most of the sadness there as I locked the door back, and the rest of it faded as I saw the smile on Chloe’s face when she woke and treasured her new books I rescued.
That is all π
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