I fell asleep the other night feeling so beaten down and defeated. I had tried to scroll mindlessly through my Facebook newsfeed before bed as I used to do to decompress after a long, thirteen hour shift at the critical care bedside, but it had only succeeded in making me more upset. I wasn’t even mad about the ridiculous post I had seen shared by a friend claiming coronavirus was a “Democratic hoax.” It would have made me mad back in April, when I knew this thing I fought was really real, but at this point, as numbers climbed even faster than I had imagined they would, I was just tired. I had erased the very true comments I had written on the aforementioned post, and I had fallen asleep knowing that was just one more thing I had no control over.
I had zero control over the public’s perception of this virus, and even though I had intimate details of what Covid was really like, it didn’t matter. I could change opinions about this about as much as I could about mushrooms being gross. The fact was a lot of people really liked mushrooms, and I had zero chance of making any of those folks agree with me that they were slippery and weird. Touché. I guess what ground my gears was having an appetite for fungi was a matter of preference, but in my book COVID-19 was as sure as the button nose on my masked face. For me, standing in the muck of this mess, it was not debatable.
And so I drifted asleep feeling bummed that public perception was just one more thing I couldn’t control. This concern toppled over the crown of a hundred other uncontrollable factors I held as a nurse during a pandemic. My healthcare peers and I faced a novel virus, new to us all, and we swam through the treacherous waters together. Initially, much fanfare and support had followed the medical community as we stood bravely against this foe. But now? Not so much. Nurses were no longer the darlings of the working world. We were lumped in with all the other exaggerators, seemingly wringing our hands for a bug that experts on social media described as “basically the flu.” I mean, you can’t applaud someone who combats a fake virus.
The thing was/is, I didn’t need applause. But I did desire someone to take our words for it. Instead it seemed a large part of public opinion favored the advice of YouTubers or folks with one-lettered names like ‘Q.’ I couldn’t tell if people were so scared they convinced themselves it was fake, so distracted by the conspiracy theories that they truly believed it was all a political ploy, or so dense that they didn’t care. After all, I had even seen some people in nonclinical healthcare suggest we all go out and catch it.
Just the day prior I had heard such an idea of herd immunity, and while I understood the general premise and points, I could only reply, “I still can’t figure out what makes you the type of person who this affects like a mild case of the flu versus the people whose lungs are attacked and die. Until they figure that out, I don’t want to roll the dice with my family.”
See, that’s the burden bedside nursing carries. The physicians, respiratory therapists, and nurse aids in the trenches too. We all see what it can and does do to a person. Young, old, healthy, sick. Doesn’t matter. It will kill anybody it so desires. We wish we could end this crap already too, but we’re too personally involved with corona to play roulette.
I see people protesting being required to wear a mask in public places. Meanwhile, I’m triple checking the seal on my respirator to make sure I don’t take this virus home to my family. I see people griping about wearing it for a thirty minute shopping trip. Meanwhile I fall asleep with my nose still feeling numb from the pressure of a mask for thirteen hours straight.
The next morning when I arrived at work, all prayed up, and mostly rested up, almost immediately someone asked me what was wrong. You see, I’m the singing nurse, the smiling nurse, the uplifting one who always lightens dark moods. So when I’m not exuding those things, it’s noticeable. After a second person asked, I realized I was suffering from the side effects of a pandemic. No, I wasn’t sick with a virus, but I was sick with the emotional, physical, and mental toil of the virus. You can only exist in so much uncertainty, sickness, and sadness before you succumb.
I thought of the patient who breathlessly called family to say quickly, “well, they’re putting me to sleep for a while. Talk to you soon.”
The memory left my heart hurting, and I recalled how at the time my eyes had met those of a coworker, both of us hoping that was true, but knowing that statistically and according to gut feeling, the patient likely would not wake up again. And that’s the biggest battle we face. That was what kept us awake at night. That’s what might create future PTSD for many, and it’s what made my spirit feel so heavy since this had begun. The rising case numbers, incidents, and COVID admissions only worsened an already aching heart. It was the thing we wanted to control the most, but the one thing that sadly we could not. No matter how hard we tried. People were dying, a lot of them, and for those accustomed to healing, this bitter pill was especially hard to swallow.
The side effects to COVID-19 on healthcare workers are multifaceted. They’re not just placing their physical bodies at risk, or even that of their families. They are also investing their hearts. The emotional and mental toil cannot be imagined unless you have faced it head on personally. I am a veteran, and I don’t use this term loosely, but I do consider this a battlefield of sorts. Nursing is fighting a war, one they feel they are losing, both at the bedside and in the court of public opinion. We’ve got battle scars already. I can’t imagine how it will feel down the road.
So, if you see a nurse, please cut them some slack. If they’re sharing about the benefits of social distancing, hand hygiene, or wearing a mask, realize it’s because they care. They’re not pushing any hidden agenda, playing politics, or even in on the “government hoax.” The fact is, we’ve seen far too much death already, we anticipate to see much more, and we want to prevent that if at all possible. There’s so much with this pandemic we cannot control, but maybe we can help save a life.
And for goodness sake, stop trying to convince us it’s not a big deal or as bad as the media says! I don’t even watch the news. But I do believe what my eyes tell me. And right now, sometimes through tears, they tell me we have to work together to stop this thing. Please.
People who call this a hoax and don’t take this seriously honestly baffle me. I have read enough accounts for medical personnel like you about what it’s really like to fully believe that it’s as bad as you guys say it is. And that I so admire what you do every day.
Thank you so much ☺️
May the grace, mercy and love of God embrace and hold you, give you strength for the battle to save lives, and enable you to face the emotional toil of so much death.
Thank you so much ☺️
Thank you Brie. Another wake up call. Easy to go about life as usual when not confronted with what you see daily. I love you and again, thank yyfir being on the frontline.
Thank you ☺️
I retired from nursing in 2014 but I can still connect with how you are feeling. Beautifully written, Brie! You are a blessing.
Thank you ☺️
It is like you literally were inside my brain and put all of my thoughts, feelings, fears and sadness into an eloquently written coherent post. As a fellow ICU RN you said it perfectly. Thank you
Thank you ☺️
This was an awesome post, funny i was also home from working a night shift laying in bed trying to wind down my mind when i ran across your post. It is a very difficult pill to swallow when we nurses see it too regularly to know it is not a hoax or a ploy, but the public thinks it’s just something that will eventually just go away like the a bad joke. All we can do is pray things get better before it comes hailing down fury. Honestly I’m scared but when i clock in for those unknowingly 12 hrs i have to be brave. This was an awesome read, i wish you the best and be safe.
Thank you so much. Praying for you as you hit the battlefield.
Brie, As I read your post it struck me how important leadership is during times of uncertainty and turmoil. As a country we needed one message for all states to follow. As Christians we have the perfect leader, Jesus not only told us how to live he lived what he taught. As a nation we now must rely on our neighbors to live the commandment given to us by Christ ,Mark 12: 31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[c] There is no commandment greater than these.”
God bless you and prayers for the safety of your family.
Thank you. I agree with your words, more than you know.
I’m a nurse and I just can’t do it. I feel like a horrible person but after just battling cancer and winning, I’ve chosen not to play russian roulette with my life. I’m not returning to work. Yet, I so admire your loyalty to the profession I once loved.
Thank you. You’re justified in your feelings and I don’t play you. God bless you.
Brie,
Thank you for sharing. Reading your words reminds us that impacts of this virus extend beyond the patient, immediate family and friends. Thank you for taking the time to express how COVID-19 continues to impact health professionals both physically and emotionally. As a manager, it is my responsibility to require masks be worn while at work and to hold employees accountable when they resist this instruction. It is a daily battle. Your story points out how important it is to continue social distancing and wear masks for the benefit of others.
Thank you ☺️
I understand and appreciate all you have said. I just retired from the ER a fter 40 years. Type A blood so high risk. That people in this country are so careless and ignorant is harder on me than the disease itself. My daughter is an e r doc. I worry for her every day. This could have been almost over by now if people had only taken the proper precautions. Stay as safe as you can….. And as sane as you can. This will pass, but now not without much pain
Thank you ☺️
Thank you for your work!!! The support in the community is at home trying to do the right thing! So sorry for all your anguish and that of all your fellow colleagues on the frontline of this pandemic war.
Thank you ?
I have no doubt there are people suffering from covid but is it as bad as it is said to be to stop children from playing outside and putting masks on their faces. These are the bigger questions. When I look around in a place of thousands of people in a small community there are no cases at all, but everything has been cancelled. Is this necessary? What is the balance and perspective to know this is real but to not adapt measures that also have very harmful consequences, of loss of jobs, depression, anxiety.
I am so upset with people that don’t accept this as real! And people yelling that their rights are being taken away by a mask being required. Thank you for what you are doing. Bless you for the job you have chosen to do and for caring for others. Our world is so crazy and scary right now. Rest in God’s love. Praying for your profession.
Thank you ☺️
Thank you for your bravery. My daughter begins her journey with nursing school in August. Her passion and excitement are contagious and I know she will be used to change lives. I am a LPC and I am seeing an unbelievable number of healthcare workers professionally. I feel like you all are called to be the nurse, the caretaker, the Chaplain and the family. These are distinctively four jobs that take an emotional toll on any single person who is called to carry them out. We are asking you to do ALL FOUR! My hope and prayer for all healthcare workers is that you find ways to debrief, cope and hope. Keep up the good work and know that you are loved!
Thank you ☺️