God is doing something in me. I’m not yet sure what that is, but it’s something. Do you ever feel that way?
Three years ago my husband and I had reached an odd place in life. We found ourselves for the first time feeling anxious, downtrodden, and like things just weren’t right. We didn’t know what it was, but we knew who we could turn to in times of trouble. With that in mind we both took a greater interest in scripture. I mean, we had liked the Bible before, but at this stage in our life it became a deep need. We were thirsty, and God’s Word became our water. We were feeling empty, and His Bread of Life became our sustenance. We loved life, but we knew there was more than what we were doing to live it. I suppose that empty, strange time taught me that feeling like you’re lacking isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Perhaps it’s just God forcing you to seek a solution.
Towards the end of 2017 we realized that God had big change in mind. We sold everything we owned. We left our dream house behind. We left family we loved. And most importantly, we left what was known and comfortable. I mean, being in your comfort zone isn’t the best thing in life, but it can sure feel that way when God leads you towards the unknown. Uncertainty is scary, but I discovered that’s where you go to find your faith.
Today as I talked to the Lord about what was rumbling around in my head lately, I felt the leading to read Ecclesiastes. Ugh. I had always found it such a depressing read. Meaningless?! The guy just droned on and on about how life sucked. Or that’s the way I remembered it anyway. Funny how your perception can change.
Today I found myself nodding along. I had sought wisdom, gone to college, gotten that degree and dependable job my dad had suggested. I had enjoyed my toil, finding pleasure in helping others in healthcare. Certainly nothing wrong with that. I had worked hard, built my credit score, and got the house I always wanted. I had beautiful baby girls and all the fancy frills that went along with it. I had obtained the perfect life, and I was happy!
Then I had let go of all the things I had worked so hard for. Not because they weren’t enjoyable gifts. I let them go because I knew there was more. If the past month during a pandemic has taught me anything, it’s that there’s more for us here on earth. When you watch the world (as you know it) fall apart, you’re reminded how little you actually fish for men. When existence on this side of Heaven is questioned, you recognize that a kingdom mindset is the only one that really matters. It’s the one that’s not meaningless.
What an unpopular opinion that one is, you know? Society today knows little else than to toil. We have been raised to believe that is what gives us value in our lives. How hard we can work to achieve stability and station. Nothing like a nationwide lockdown to show things in a different light, eh?
Over the past couple of years I have discovered how to put my trust completely and totally in Jesus. We asked Him where to work, where to live, and how to go through each day. Where do we sow our time, our money, our focus, Lord? And as we asked, He answered.
This afternoon I found myself feeling like even though I had yanked myself from the familiar to the unknown, it still wasn’t quite far enough. It’s like once you’ve touched the hem of His garment, the rest seems fairly mundane. As I walked further from the pleasures of the world, I felt Him whisper, “just a little bit more.”
What is God doing in me right now? I’m not sure. I do know each day He leads me closer, and He shows me what’s important in life. I know the Lord wants His children to be happy. I mean, I bought my daughters some electronic tablets during this quarantine. I know it’s not the best thing in this world for their little minds, but I do know it gives them joy too. My Heavenly Father smiles at me enjoying life, enjoying my gifts, enjoying myself. That’s not meaningless. I suppose it’s just good to remember that the happy gifts aren’t always the lasting gifts. The lasting gifts are relationships, appreciation of the people in my life, and fulfilling the role God has for me in this life.
I felt like God told me today, “it’s not for you to have the knowledge of good and evil. It’s for you to have the knowledge of my love. Life without my love is meaningless.”
So, what’s God doing in my life right now? I’m not completely sure. But I imagine it has something to do with helping more people gain the knowledge of His love.