Sometimes I feel crazy. I suppose that’s not a very politically correct thing to say, but when I find myself cursing and crying within the same block, it seems to be the best adjective that comes to mind. I can almost picture myself rocking back and forth in a white, padded cell as I blubber to my husband about being unable to control my emotions.
“I don’t know why I’m so mad!” I had yelled, trying to explain why sometimes the little things set me off.
“I don’t have control of it,” I had cried! Salty, unexpected tears cascading down my face.
I sit presently on the couch with a cup of hot coffee, looking out the window at the rain.
I make all things new.
I think about those words that the Lord spoke to my spirit as I watch dark drops of rain water slide down my windowpane. Everyone in my house is asleep, and I spend the quiet time reflecting on life. I feel good this morning. The calming current of contentment that carries me along this morning is in sharp contrast to my outburst yesterday. The one described above. The one where I got angry over minuscule inconveniences, and burst into tears for little reason at all. The one where I felt crazy. Who was that woman anyway?
After my third childbirth, third marathon trek of breastfeeding, and entry into my fourth decade of life everything started to unravel at the seams. That’s how it felt anyway. I was in that difficult season of life. I wasn’t going through “the change,” per se, but the rollercoaster of hormone drops and surges as my reproductive body geared down was enough to send anyone into the closet to collapse and cry. Surely that was the culprit, right? I suppose I needed to label it. To have a reason. Then maybe I could control it.
As I watch the rain drip drop from the sky, cradled into the awaiting leaves, and finally falling onto the damp dirt underneath I think about my desire for control. I suppose that is the hardest part of it all; my inability to control my out of control emotions. Small concerns cause me great anxiety, worry that overwhelms the actuality of the situation. Major upset over things that don’t really matter. Mountainous anger over molehill battles. I have become the queen of overreaction. And even as my outside self reacts my inner self screams mutely, “calm down, Brie.”
It’s in your weakness where my strength is displayed best.
The truth of God’s word always gives me peace. I am in a time of my life where I am struggling with my emotions. My mood is often ruled by my out of whack emotions. This is simply another opportunity for me to fall on Jesus. I am certainly weak, and He is certainly strong. I can’t always control the situation, but He has all control.
The rain continues to come down, the daytime sky outside my window remains dim and dull, but my coffee is hot, my heart full of hope. The rain washes away yesterday, and I remember the truth.
I make all things new.
Dave says
Your emotional roller coaster you describe has been a ride I have been on many times! Mine might be caused by something else unlike what you as a female goes through but it is real in any form! My wife has described moments like that! I think satan loves to torment God’s children! He is a master manipulator at using things that don’t amount to much to push our buttons! The apostle Paul sure described how he was tormented at times but God let him know that His grace was sufficient! Thank God as He does make all things new!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much for commenting that you experience this also! I agree with you that it’s a spiritual battle, and I’m taking it as an opportunity to cling ever closer to Jesus. Thanks again.
Abby says
Beautifully written!! I really appreciate your honesty! I think we all feel a little out of control and “crazy” sometimes and it’s always nice to know we aren’t alone. Thanks for sharing!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you, and thanks for commenting!
Keturah Case says
Thank you for reminding me! I’ve had two terrible days this week and one of them today. Not any situation ,not anything to set me off , just deep feelings of doom and gloom. I was labeling it all day as that dreaded premenopausal feelings. It may be but I never thought to pray about it. He cares about everything. Pray without ceasing!??
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Absolutely!!
Lisa Pierce says
Beautiful Brie. My favorite go to verse for peace and tranquility is, “Be still and know that I am God.”
Have a blessed week!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you. You too!
Donna says
So good to know that I am not alone in feeling like I am crazy sometimes. Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly. Thank you for the much needed reminder to fall on Jesus when these moments arise. 🙂
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much!