Today I feel great. More than great, actually. I’ve smiled enough today that the corners of my mouth are sore, but I’m definitely not complaining. It’s nice to come out the other side of a dry spell. I guess that’s what I’ll call it. I’m talking about that barren place of your emotions where you feel empty, where you feel as if you resemble the desert floor when it hasn’t rained in a long time. Dry, open, weeping, even without tears. You’re even too empty to cry.
Last week I experienced a span of days where I awoke feeling downtrodden. In the mornings I would even awake with my heart racing, trying to remember the dreams that had kept my subconscious spinning, the ones that must have had some purpose if they left me feeling so anxious and coming apart. Through the day I would worry on simple issues, the nonexistent problems that I somehow tried to make matter more. I would imagine trouble when it shouldn’t even be a thought, and I guess what bothers me the most about that is it’s the total opposite of who God has created me to be.
One of my down days I actually sat by the pool with a book, my adoring husband beside me, and my darling children playing before me. My life was surreal, spectacular, amazing. So I couldn’t for the life of me understand why I felt so bothered. As I prayed for an answer I felt one come.
This is how I am answering your prayers.
Over the past year especially I had asked God for more of Himself. I wanted to draw closer in my walk with the Lord. I wanted to be used by Him. I wanted Him to rid me of everything that wasn’t in line with that. So it occurred to me that Him allowing me to feel the temporary, intermittent emotions of anxiety was for sure a way to increase my dependence on Him. It wasn’t that I felt He caused these feelings. No. They definitely were not of God or what He intended for my life. Instead they were the side effects of a sinful, fallen world. So while He had all authority and power to break the chains of anxiety and rid me of the spirit of depression, I also saw how allowing these things to touch me drew me into closer dependence and trust on Him. His power was indeed made perfect in my weakness.
Last week I felt like I was running on empty. I wonder sometimes if it’s just being a woman. Or maybe it’s being a working mom. But other times I realize it’s just part of the human condition. Throughout my brief episode of unhappiness I did persist in joy. Did I feel joyful?! No, not really, but under the surface of my visceral emotions flowed a steady stream of certainty. It was the joy of knowing the Lord held me, even if I couldn’t feel it. It was the river of the Holy Spirit, my faith in Him. So many times when I felt hopeless in my emotions I would simply repeat the same phrases to Jesus.
I trust you.
I love you.
Help me.
Slowly I climbed out of the pit, and I am certain the rope thrown to me was divinely woven in patient love. Though I couldn’t see the way out I never let go of that rope, and He never let go of me. I am reminded of the familiar Psalm, Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.
Thank you, Lord, that my joy is here, it has never left, and it never will.
Irene Talaasen says
I can only say Thank you for sharing and encouraging that Joy is there , no matter what and we hold unto the rope of His love and mercy and peace and His amazing Word to us that is truth!
Blessings!!!
Irene
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you!
Shakira says
God bless you for this post. You described my exact same feelings on some days & Holy Spirit used you right on time. I didn’t understand what the feelings were & I didn’t want to speak depression over my life but that’s what it felt like. I now realize the importance of writing God’s words on our hearts because it’s in those moments when I need His word & promises the most.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you. God bless you.
Dave says
Job certainly went through awful days and came out victorious and Paul had something that bothered him but the Lord told him that His grace was sufficient! We had the privilege of going to the Creation Museum in northern Kentucky near Cincinnati recently and the explanation of the fall is explained so well there! No wonder we are buffeted! Evil is real and we who are believers are not exempt from it’s effects but God, but God gives us the victory even in the valley! My circumstance may not immediately change, the disease may persist but He is with us & in the end we are victorious & we can enjoy His peace while still here on earth knowing He has us!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Amen!
Denise Bayer says
Wow…. Just what I needed it. I too experience”those days” and it’s comforting to be reminded where I am and that He has purpose for those times.
Brie, you write very graciously and reach out to far more people than you realize. Please keep blogging and guiding the light that exists for all of us, though somethings it may seem dark.
God bless you on your path. We are there too!!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much. I appreciate your encouragement.
Lisa Pierce says
God is using you in a powerful way to guide and encourage all of us who feel those ‘down and out’ times too. As long as we hang on to our joy of the Lord, He renews our mind and spirit when we confess that we need Him over all else. That rope is always available! Hallelujah! I needed this today, so you keep hanging on and I will too. Thank you my sister in Christ! God bless you and yours!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much!