She was gurgling. Oh God, she was gurgling as she breathed, and my heart was certainly beating even faster than the high rate I saw displayed on her bedside monitor. I grabbed shakily for the Yankauer suction above her bed. I knew that’s what it was called. I was in my first semester of nursing school, so I knew what the suction was for, but I hadn’t actually used one on a real person before.
My mother didn’t look like a real person at all. Laying there in the bed, swollen, bruised, with about a billion lines and tubes running from her. She had been flown to this trauma ICU bed after a horrific car crash, and being in the best hospital in the area should have given me peace, but it didn’t. The truth was I was scared to death, scared I was gonna lose my momma, and despite me sticking that suction thing half-heartedly into her mouth, she was still making a sound like she was breathing through water. I hit the call button frantically.
Where was the nurse?!! I wondered. Couldn’t she see this was not a good situation? Shouldn’t someone be stationed right here at her side until she could at least open her own eyes and ask for help? Why was it taking so long?!! Why wasn’t the nurse coming?!!
Fast forward twenty years and now I’m that nurse. I’m the one who wants to be at your momma’s bedside, but who also has someone’s father, husband, and son in the other ICU room. I’m the one who is limited by space and time in my physical body, but who more times than not, wishes I wasn’t.
Here’s what you may not realize as a concerned family member.
- I am concerned too. Your family member is also important to me. They’re more than a patient number. They’re a human being who is loved. I have been the daughter at the bedside, and one day, as my husband and I age, I realize I may be the concerned wife also.
- I don’t want you to wait. Seriously. I really don’t. I want to attend to your need as quickly as possible, but when you don’t see me I am attending to another patient’s need at that time. Another important, unique, loved family member who occupies another bed. Or perhaps I am even tending to myself. Trust me when I say you want a nurse with a full belly and empty bladder. We can focus so much better in that condition.
- I know that being sick is difficult, and I know that watching someone you love fall ill is even harder sometimes. I understand that emotions are raw, nerves are frayed, and angry words come easy in such a stressful, uncertain environment. That doesn’t mean I don’t get hurt feelings or frustrated occasionally, but it does mean I try my best not to because I truly sympathize and empathize with each patient and family member. Those are the things you cannot see under the surface of my calm, efficient manner.
When the nurse finally arrived to my mother’s bedside she quickly took the suction from my hand. She seemed so blasé, as if she was not concerned at all. She went about quickly settling my mother down, and then just as quickly left the room. I wasn’t sure what to think at the time, although I was grateful that my mother seemed to be breathing easier. Looking back I realize I didn’t know that important oxygen readings were being transmitted to a monitor outside the room so they could know immediately if my mother was in respiratory distress.
I didn’t realize at the time that what may have been concerning and scary for me was a natural and expected presentation in a critical care setting. I took the nurse’s demeanor as indifference when it was in fact an attitude of efficient knowledge and calm clarity to act on my mom’s best interest.
I didn’t take into account other patients. I only saw my mother. I didn’t see someone else’s mother in the very next room. And that’s ok; it’s human nature. Even today if one of my children found themselves in the hospital, my mommy heart would feel they were the patient needing the most attention at that moment. The thing is, nurses feel the same about their patients. To nurses, each patient is important and deserving of our care, but it’s our difficult responsibility to triage out our resource of self as fairly and efficiently as possible.
But here’s the other thing I probably didn’t see back then. I am quite certain that nurse cared for my mother. Cared, as in had great concern for her welfare as a human being. From my experience, nursing is a chaotic, challenging, and frequently a poorly compensated profession. So if a nurse is there it’s because they have a heart for the vocation. Their patients are their purpose, and even if it may not appear that way, they care.
Ericka Hokkanen, RN says
You are correct in that your mom is being cared for! We, as nurses, do the work as a matter of heart- we love what we do & our patients! Often, in critical care nurses have 2-3 patients, depending on the level of care necessary for each patient. It also doesn’t rain- it often pours. Meaning that when one patient is having a problem often there are multiple patients having problems at the same time. When this occurs we often come across as uncaring or brisk in our manners. Honestly though- we do not have time for chit-chat. We are thinking ahead to the next thing we need to do to maintain the health and lives of those in our care. Critical care is just that- critical to the lives of the patient, the family and the nursing staff.
But as nurses, we know this. We also are 100% customer oriented but family members are not our 1st customer- the patient is. Family members do not see the nurses, often, care more for the patient than they do themselves- nurses are known to skip meals and pee breaks in light of taking care of the patient.
Have faith in the skills & abilities of those who are caring to do their jobs- along with the help of the charge nurse at the desk- who is sitting watching the monitors of the patients, the other nurses on staff who listen for the beeping of monitors and alarms- who lend a hand when needed; and to all of those in scrubs who listen for even a slight change in the breathing or appearance of all the patients we see.
Thank you for your understanding and patience with us too. We would love to let you know what is normal for your family but often don’t have time until they are stable to sit down and do that with families. Besides nurses don’t know what you do not know- let us know you want that time with us. We are happy to talk with you when we are not running around 🙂
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Absolutely agree!
Mrs Melcat says
As a nurse and also as the person sitting on the other side of the bed for my son, my husband, my sister, my mother, my father, my grandparents…I fully understand the other patients and all the other things that one nurse is pulled to…. I have been there as a nurse, but what I have witnessed more recently is the shopping on line, face book posting, etc…I have seen horrific things from colleague nurses and it makes me sick to my stomach…let’s not kid our selves for every great nurse there is also the lousy slacker who does minimum.