Consider this a public service announcement from the square peg.
If you’re one of those former homecoming queens who looks back on your high school existence with stars in your eyes then I’m happy for you, but that’s not me. Or rather it wasn’t me. I was probably the girl standing on the sidelines looking longingly at the crown, just wishing to touch the skirts of high school royalty. Just being honest. I wasn’t happy with me, and I looked to others to validate my feelings of worth. I never quite fit in. I didn’t have a clique. I was a cheerleader, but simply because I tried so hard to find my niche. I was smart, but didn’t really fit in with the brainy girls. I was in all the clubs, but never quite found myself in the realm of popularity. In actuality I was the outcast, the girl always trying really hard to fit in, but somehow always falling short. That was high school in a nutshell for me, and it was utterly exhausting.
As I grew older I became more comfortable in my own skin. I started to see my peculiar character traits for what they were. They were me. Those crazy quirks were what made me, me, and I was totally cool with that. Yet sometimes that young, insecure girl still waited in the wings, longing for acceptance amongst her female peers. And though I saw her less and less since I had entered my thirties, occasionally when I found myself around a group of women I floundered along as I searched for my particular rhythm that made me who I was meant to be, not who I thought I should be.
Recently I spent a week around women I work with, and though I’ve become way more comfortable in my own skin since I was a teenager, there’s something about spending time in the company of other females that leaves me feeling as if I’m lacking. I wouldn’t even say it’s due to any action on their part. It’s just my insecurities. It’s my longing to be well-liked. Am I the only woman like this? Am I the only woman who wishes she wasn’t quite so weird?!
Somehow when I hang out around a bunch of women for an extended period of time I always end up feeling like I’m back in high school. It’s like cheerleading camp all over again, and the cool, pretty girls have short-sheeted my bed again. One is telling me to put on some makeup already, and another is rolling her eyes behind my back while simultaneously trying to be nice to me since her mom is making her. In those moments of realization that, “yes, Brie, you’re still a square peg,” I have to talk myself off the ledge of insecurity and remind myself of what really matters.
God made me exactly as I am.
So while I do think a lot of my longing for acceptance is due to my upbringing, past rejections in life, and more nurture than nature, for the most part my personality is what it is because God made me to be me. I am a square peg, but then again, God designed me with the perfect square hole in mind. He created me overly sensitive so I might better empathize with my fellow man. He made me not quite like the rest so I could stand apart and better visualize the world around me. I may not fit into this world, but whoever said that’s a bad thing? The important part is this.
I am made in His image.
Genesis 1:27
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.
Whenever I feel less, because sometimes I will, it’s best to remember in whose image I am created.
Although I am more comfortable with myself, and I do love being me, I’m also human. And sometimes I’ll feel like I’m not enough. In those moments I am best reminded of my heritage. I am best reminded for whom and after whom I was designed.
Whenever I feel like I’m not good enough, smart enough, successful enough, or even enough.
Whenever I think I’m a failure as a mother, a failure as a wife, a failure as a nurse, a failure as a friend, or even a failure as a Christian.
When I feel unworthy, unlovable, or even expendable.
When I feel like I don’t fit in, I don’t measure up, and there’s no way I can even keep up.
I am made in His image.
And that is more than good enough for me.
Anita Stacey says
I’m starting to think there are a lot more of us square pegs than round ones!
CBower says
I wasn’t a homecoming queen or even a cheerleader, though I felt at the time that I would have been validated, had I been selected as one of the few. I was smart but not the smartest and would have been pretty if I hadn’t had an accident at age 9 that left my front teeth in a sorry state (and many very ugly stages of treatment including silver caps and one needing removed) until I was old enough to have them fixed correctly as a Jr. in high school. My spiritual life was in its infant stages but it was growing unbeknownst to me, thanks to God who always loved me personally. Because of my experiences I have invested my life into developing loving and caring relationships (some of the dearest from friends during that time). My knowledge that I was created in the image of God, as were all people, helps me reach out to others who may not know that yet. My experiences of feeling “less than”, inferior, faulty or broken, has helped me be committed to looking beyond my closest, most comfortable friends and into being friends with those who may be in a place I once was. I have found some amazing kindred spirits in this way. My accident of what I considered ugliness (yes I heard people making comments about me) led me to a career in dental hygiene where I am able to treat all patients with kindness and compassion no matter what their condition. I don’t look back upon anything with regret and look forward to my opportunities to serve in God’s Kingdom, in whatever capacity He calls me to serve. This can look different at different times as I have been able to volunteer as a women’s leader, a children’s teacher, a choir member, organist, etc. No matter what capacity we serve God, we are always able to be kind and be a friend. The more we step out of our comfort zone to do this, the more personal revelation we receive as who and where we are needed. Each and every experience we encounter leads us to understand the Atonement of Jesus Christ more, as he suffered for all beyond our comprehension, and His love is unconditional and eternal as is His Father (and ours) in Heaven. His life was the pattern for ours and being popular, accepted, and admired by people in higher places, had nothing at all to do with the sacred mission He was sent to accomplish. Thankfully He understood his purpose and is always leading us to understand ours.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for commenting! Couldn’t agree more. ☺
Diane Van Horn says
Oh my goodness, I thought I was the only one! CBower, I had my front teeth smashed out when I was 9 also and I endured stainless steel crowned front teeth and the nickname “Can Opener” until I was in 8th grade and was able to get porcelain crowns. My goodness but children can be so mean. I developed my sense of humor and my artistic abilities to compensate for my funny face. Thank you for sharing your story.
Shannon says
Oh I love this!! THANK YOU and Thank God for YOU! 🙂
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you!