“Why are you in such a bad mood?” My husband asked.
I retorted, “I’m not!”
Although, between you and I, I think my tone implied otherwise.
“Yes, you are!” He continued. “You have been since you woke up!”
And I had been. So I answered back curtly, “I guess I’m not happy about forking out that much cash for a new unit! And I’m tired of never getting anything accomplished around here! I’m attached to the baby nonstop!”
I huffed as I folded laundry, and I realized even as the words fell out of my mouth that they were silly. It was an outpouring of unrelated annoyances that I had decided to gripe about all at once. Much as I had let the laundry pile up, I had also let my frustrations add onto one another. But that’s easy to do, you know? Just as easily as dirty clothes accumulate, so too do aggravating circumstances that are beyond our control.
The quote from the HVAC repairman for a new central unit was just the icing on the cake for me, it seems, and as the exact horrendous figure rang in my ears I felt weighted down by it all.
How could we afford that much?! I wondered. Even though I was able to calm my outer words from showing my worry, on the inside they still existed. So I folded and I stewed.
But problems never end like that, do they? They usually compound themselves first.
After laundry was folded and put away, a hungry baby fed again, and myself somewhat put together, we readied our brood for a trek into town. I tracked down shoes for each of the children and my husband went to crank our minivan. I stopped midway through tying a shoe, paused by the awful sound of an engine attempting to turn over.
It wouldn’t crank.
And again the sound came. And again. It wasn’t cranking.
And like that it piled up once more.
Another expense?! I wondered in defeat. How will we manage that too?!
My husband came back inside where I waited eagerly for his words. He cut his eyes my way, and though I noted concern on his brow, he mumbled, “I think it’s just cold. Let’s give it a minute.”
“Ok.” I whispered. But I wasn’t so sure. My dad had taught me about cars from a young age, and I knew the difference in the sounds made between a dead battery, a cold engine, or worse, and it sounded like the latter. I retreated to the living room, collapsed wearily on the sofa, and began to do the only thing I knew to do. I prayed.
Please, Lord. Please let it crank. Please don’t let it be something bad. We can’t take much more.
My husband then called to me, “here goes nothing, say a prayer,” as he headed back to the carport.
“That’s what I’ve been doing!” I answered.
He must have read the anxiety in my voice for he paused and said, “it’s gonna be fine, you know? It’s gonna crank. I just know it.”
Then he headed outside, but not before adding, “we just weren’t supposed to leave yet. That’s all.”
I sat silently in the living room and thought about his words. He was certain that God would answer his prayer, and as I rose and watched him sitting in the driver’s seat, I could tell he was believing God right at that moment. And I realized that I believed too.
I believed in that moment that our van would crank. I believed that we’d be able to pay for a new central unit to heat and cool our home. I believed God would give me strength in the areas that were stressing me out during this season of my life, and I believed He would break the chains of doubt that told me otherwise.
I believed He was bigger than my worry. I believed He was more powerful than my fears. I believed He would not forsake me. Even if the van didn’t crank.
Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
I believed. And suddenly the silence was broken by the strong roar of a powerful engine that started on the first turn of the key, without sputter, and without fail.
The rest of the day seemed to fall into place easily, and much like the turnover of a trusty engine, things just worked out as they should.