Today I was loading some items I had picked up from the store into the back of my minivan when I noticed a large portion of the cargo area was already occupied. There, abandoned in the back of our van, sat a cherished, yet forgotten Christmas present that belonged to my stepdaughter. As I looked at the happy, singing girl displayed on the karaoke machine box I felt sorry for my stepdaughter. It would be two more weeks before the box was opened again.
I see so many stories circulating on my social media that display amicable adults agreeing to get along for their children’s sake, and while I too celebrate the attitude of these broken couples, I think they serve to blur our minds of the hurt that divorce can’t help but cause.
Yes, I will agree with the masses that an angry, arguing husband and wife are doing no favors for their children, but it does still sadden me that divorce seems in the end like the only answer available to make things better. Because, in the end it doesn’t. Not completely, and certainly not for the child who is a product of a broken home.
Seeing my stepdaughter’s gift was just a reminder of some of the things she must go through in life. Yea, it’s cool that she gets two Christmases and all, but what about the fact that immediately after experiencing the excitement of opening some of her presents, she has to pack her bags and leave it behind until the next scheduled visitation?
What about possible jealousy over her other biological siblings? The ones who get to have mom and dad together all the time.
As a child of divorce myself I see things in a light that others may not. I was superbly blessed with a stepfather who quickly became my adoptive dad, but that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t without difficulty for me.
I can recall trust issues, and being worried that my new dad would leave, or that our happy home would inevitably end in divorce.
I can recall cousins telling me I wasn’t “really” part of the family. They weren’t trying to be cruel; kids just speak without filters.
I can remember being treated differently by grandparents to which I had no blood relation. I know they didn’t mean to, but there it was, and I noticed.
I can even admit with shame that after my mother passed away I had rogue thoughts that my dad would no longer love me the same, that perhaps without the familial tie of my mom, that he would push me aside in favor of his biological children.
I sadly can’t stop the feelings of rejection that show up unannounced asking what about me made my biological father turn his back without regret.
I have been through a divorce, and so has my current husband. We didn’t plan for it to happen, and it’s not something we wanted for our lives, but it happened. Now my husband and I both live with the ramifications of our past, and while we currently strive for a marriage that pleases the Lord, we are completely aware that a young lady in our presence part-time suffers the consequences of a broken home and the struggles inherent with shuffling back and forth.
She is loved. She is loved so deeply by us, and by her other family. She is adored by her sisters in both families. But I worry for her still if it is enough. I was loved like crazy, yet I still suffered self-esteem and trust issues as a result of divorce. I desire so much for my stepchild, and while I would change nothing about my own life, and am certain of my current marriage, I sometimes wish I could erase divorce for her sake.
It’s easy to say, “well, it’s best for the children,” and to forget that despite our best efforts, a broken marriage does also break the children. Not always beyond repair, but they are negatively impacted nonetheless.
As it stands, we just keep on loving her. Sometimes I think we love her even harder in our efforts to make her feel like she belongs. Yet sometimes I see a distant look in her eyes, one that I’m personally familiar with, and my heart breaks for her all over again.
Jamie anderson says
Wow! This is so how I felt as a step child to a family that made it know I was not blood. ? Thank you for what words of encouragement.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you. God bless you.
Jennifer Shaw says
Everything we experience in life changes and molds us. Some positively and some negatively. Most, by a mixture of the two and into strong, unique individuals. While I don’t believe that divorce should happen casually, I know from experience what it can rescue children from. For me it was daily beatings and constant emotional abuse from an alcoholic father as well as repeated, failed attempts to “save” my mother and younger siblings. For my own children it was alcohol, drugs, neglect, and physical abuse from their father and severe depression from me.
I so desperately wanted to keep my children from the pain of divorce that it took me far too long to give them the gift of it. It wasn’t until the physical abuse from a man I dated for over 4 years and was married to for over 5 before I even had children with began that I gained the strength to do so. 10 years of downward-spiraling wedded disaster began after the birth of our twins and finally came crashing down.
So yes, divorce is painful. And it undoubtedly affects children, but it can be one of the greatest gifts a parent can give to a child. As much as I love my daddy, I am forever grateful that my mother also loved me enough to get me away from him. I have watched my timid, unsure children bloom into happy, confident doers over the past three years and as a result I’ve been able to forgive myself….for…protecting them from a terrible situation and giving them the family we’ve all dreamed about.
I do so enjoy your blogs and in no way is this meant to shed a negative light on what you’ve written here. There is much to think about and so much truth in your words as always. I only hope to offer some support to a mother who has exhausted all her options and has no other choice. It’s ok. Life goes on. Life gets better! Children heal…and one day they will recognize and thank you for your gift.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for sharing. I agree with you. For myself, I would probably be on drugs or dead if my mother hadn’t left my biological father. So I understand. It’s such a multifaceted conversation that it can hardly be covered in one blog. God bless you and your children.
Jennifer Shaw says
And you and yours as well! Merry Christmas!
George Bland says
God Bless you. This is so true. I pastored several churches and was a longtime youth minister so I understood this was going to happened when my ex wife wanted a divorce, but after 3 years of trying to keep our Marraige together I had to give in to divorce after the covenant was broken. Exactly what I knew would happen did happen and it was destructive for our kids. But I have worked so hard and with Gods help I have tried to lead my children to understand the love and Grace of Christ.
I wish couples could understand this before they go thru with a divorce. Merry Christmas and God Bless you and your family.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for commenting and sharing. God bless you and your family. Have a very Merry Christmas.