On my worst days… He shows up.
I am one of those people who has always struggled with depression. It might shock you to know this, because of my jovial disposition, but when I was eight years old I actually hung myself. I hung myself from a Dogwood tree in a thicket in front of my parent’s home. My life was not bad; I was just sad, and at that moment I didn’t want to live anymore.
On my worst day… He showed up.
He showed up and made certain that the knot my little hands tied didn’t hold. It held long enough that I felt the pain of my breathe being cut-off. It held long enough to make my little mind realize I had made a terrible mistake. And it held long enough to leave an ugly rope burn around my neck. But then I fell to the ground. Thank God I fell to the ground.
Over the years I struggled so badly with a crippling sadness, and I can think of many rock bottom moments where I just didn’t want to go on. I didn’t want to suffer through the pain of trying to walk upright when I felt a terrible weight crushing me flat. It hurt. It burned in my throat, along with the hot tears that always wanted to surface when hopelessness tried to consume me.
On my worst day… He showed up.
Sitting atop a partition in my dorm room that separated my bed from my absent roommate’s tidily made bunk. Legs drawn up, emotions in an even tighter wad than my impossibly thin body. I cried in the pain of a person who has given up, and I shakily uttered a pleading “help” in a raw voice, to no one in particular.
On my worst day… He showed up.
I climbed down, and I walked on. The weight had lifted.
I have found an improvement in the past few years over the emotional stronghold I’ve suffered in this life, but I would be lying if I said it was completely vanquished. Some days I wake up, and the blanket of sadness tries to cover me. It whispers in my ear, and it tries to wrap its cruel tendrils around my brain. In these moments where I first wake, wake to a wonderful life in which I should only feel utter joy, I am left confused. I am confused as to why I feel an overshadowing of melancholy sadness trying to overtake me. Why?!
This morning I awoke in just that manner. I felt a wiggle of worry, an inkling of anxiety, a nagging, downtrodden mood that wished to envelope me.
I usually hate this feeling so, and I often approach it in a desperate moment of prayer where I plead with the Lord to take these thoughts away. I pray for the armor of God to surround me, and though He is faithful to intercede, I am left dissapointed that I must consistently seek Him for rescue in this matter.
Yet this morning it was different. This morning I thought of something I hadn’t before. So many times when I wake this way I feel defeat, and it saddens me that I am not stronger. But He can work in that too.
On my worst days… He shows up.
2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
I was reminded that even in my most rock bottom moments, not only am I not alone, but He is able to show Himself most evidently to me.
It’s an opportunity for His power to be pronounced triumphantly in my life.
For His peace to be my manna.
And on my worst days… For Him to show up.
Sue Murphy says
Brie, I struggle with anxiety and have since I was a child. Sometimes the fear overwhelms me and I just want to draw into a ball. Other times I panic and want to hide. And sometimes I wake up in tears. But like you said, He always shows up. And hope returns.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for sharing.
Mark says
Hi Brie
I’ve fought with depression since my teen years, some good times, some bad. Somehow, I feel that as a Christian, I should be immune to things like this. I mean, most times, Christians you meet seem to be people that ‘have it all together.’ I know in my head that’s not realistic, it just seems that way. God never promised us a perfect existence. As Christmas approaches and I feel myself sprialling down again, I stumble across things like your post and feel encouraged. It’s nice to know that I’m ‘not the only one.’ Thanks for your honesty. God is good.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much for sharing.
Betsy L says
Thank you for sharing! I haven’t ever followed a blog before but really enjoy reading yours! I appreciate your honesty and your example to keep our thoughts on the true prize, Christ!!!❤️✝
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much!
Darcy Hicks says
Brie ~
Thank you so much for your willingness to be vulnerable and share the hard parts of depression. As a person who struggles with depression and who has been a psych nurse for a long time, some days there is just no way to explain it or make it go away. But what a great reminder that He is always there and will show up. His grace is sufficient. Love your blog! Blessings!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much.
Dawn Stephenson Darcy Hicks Sister says
Hi Brie…thank you so much for the uplifting article. I too suffer from Manic depression. They say I will need my meds for the rest of my life. I am in control now but nothing on the market compares to the times He has been there to pull me back up. Praise be to God and to my lil sister for posting your article!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you. God bless you.
rgould405 says
Thank you for being willing to be vulnerable in order to encourage others. I have been a worrier for as long as I can remember and it is miserable. I have hated myself and wondered why I didn’t feel good enough or satisfied with the blessings God has given me. It doesn’t make sense to me but He does. I just keep holding on and yours words have blessed me immensely. Thanks again!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you.