Earlier last night I was watching a video that described the heart of nursing, and it perfectly depicted the calling to which I had surrendered my life. Because that’s what nursing is. It’s a decision to embark on a quest to touch lives, change lives, and save lives. It’s this crazy, strong desire to intercede on the behalf of others, and you find yourself sucked into the vortex of giving so much of yourself emotionally, mentally, and physically to positively impact the life of a complete stranger. You’re compelled, and you know no other way.
But sometimes it really sucks.
I watched that video, and I felt pride. I felt that famiar sense of pride that always surrounds me when I think about what I do for a living. I love what I do. But even as I watched this touching film and bristled under the emotions of gratification and fulfillment, I also felt a small twinge of guilt.
I felt guilty because sometimes I hate it.
When I cannot seem to fabricate the time needed to care for my patient in a manner that I find fundamental and safe, I hate being a nurse.
When I mistakenly disappoint a patient’s family, or they misunderstand my intentions. When they then turn their emotional explosion over their helplessness to change the outcome of their loved one’s health onto me, I completely understand it. I really do. But hurtful words still hurt. And unrealistic expectations still stink. In those moments of undeserved verbal assault, I hate being a nurse.
When cocky physicians speak down to me, or when those positioned above me in the hierarchy of healthcare treat me with disdain, I hate being a nurse.
When I can’t seem to satisfy my patients, run faster, answer the call light quicker, hold my pee longer, or find a way to go without taking a break, I hate being a nurse.
When I can’t seem to give enough pain medicine to the chronic pain patient, or sympathize more with the addict admitted with another overdose this month; when I can’t understand fully why the alcoholic continues to drink despite his cirrhosis, or why the noncompliant diabetic patient continues to let her blood sugar escalate out of control, I hate nursing.
When the stress of my responsibilities threaten to overtake me, when the chaos of life and death situations seems too much to bear, or when I feel like I didn’t move fast enough, think quickly enough, or intervene as appropriately as I should, I hate being a nurse.
When I fight unsuccessfully to keep someone from dying, and I walk to my car with the echoes of their distraught, crying families’ sobs ringing in my ears, I hate being a nurse.
When there’s too much loss, too many unfair situations, and too much cruel pain, I hate being a nurse.
But then I remember; I cannot help myself. I remember that I love it.
I remember that I love the field, no matter the challenges. I remember that I love the calling, and whatever responsibilities that entails.
I remember that I love the patients. Every. Single. One. And their families too. Especially their families.
I remember that the problems I face, the frustrations I experience, the difficulties I come upon, they mean nothing when held up against the joy I hold over being a nurse.
I watch things like the video I saw on YouTube, and that feeling of guilt for my minute emotion of hate becomes overshadowed by the mountain of love that rises up inside me. I hate it, but then, no, I love it.
I love it. And that’s all that seems to matter.
This was my exact position so many times. There were so many nights that I came home feeling so inadequate because of something that occurred at work that was out of my control. All in all I loved my profession and still hold the memories good/bad that helped to mold me into a better nurse and person. Better because I learned to depend and lean on God as my source.
Having anything left, emotionally and physically, for family can be impossible some days. I believe all nurses have that love/hate relationship with their calling.
I agree nursing is a love-hate relationship. Deep down, it’s a calling and no matter what, I can’t quit. For some nurses it’s just a job, not a true calling. This is unfortunate because their behavior affects others, patients, and coworkers. Throughout my career of 28 years, my most hurtful moments, besides patient suffering and loss, were at the hands of other nurses. I recently attended a conference and a nurse named Renee Thompson spoke about this issue. She has a wonderful website of information pertaining to bullying and so forth. I was bullied from the start of my career, and I swore I would never become that kind of nurse, which I kept my word. Dealing with difficult nurses has been a battle that has made me question my decision to become a nurse but I know deep down I am where I should be.
I am a registered nurse, I too get tire of being a nurse. But ironically, I enjoy seeing patients feeling better, As a nurse coming to 19 years of service to the profession. I have faced racism on subtle levels from doctors and other interdisciplinary members.
Having been a nurse for 40 yrs and a combat veteran I can say confidently that the profession I trained for left when the for profit industry took over critical care. I would say that was around 1990s and the politics of big business followed a trail that went all the way to the top.
Considering the state of the quality of care now in a shambles which basically goes to a major lack of accountability and the legal bribery of tort reform, the future seems dim if not doomed. The entire system is riddled with fraud and corruption and you need a body guard to get out alive after having a simple ingrown toe-nail removed.
It is so rewarding. So frustrating. So REAL. You get to experience life in the most intimate times.
nightingale, I agree with you 100%. I have been in nursing for 38 years, and nursing is now nothing compared to what it was when I graduated from nursing school. Any of the older nurses will agree also, and I think it’s sad that the nurses today will not get to experience what we did back then.
I just retired after 43 years of nursing. And I felt like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. As a nurse, I never was good enough, fast enough, smart enough, time efficient enough, thorough enough in documentation. The demands seemed never ending. As I aged, the physicality of the work chased me to a clinic setting. But even there I was never good enough, fast enough, smart enough. The work load exceeded my capabilities day after day. But I showed up each day and gave it my all to my patients and my colleagues, who often were hurting themselves but there for the patients. And we were there for each other. Picking up behind the others, covering for their deficits, encouraging them as they did their best. And receiving so little recognition from our bosses. Seldom even a thanks for coming in. More seldom, “you did a good job today!” So we, the staff, learned to say that each other, to be thankful for what was accomplished, for the love and care that was shared that day. Yes, we make a difference in people’s lives. But sometimes at a high price in our own lives.
I don’t wake up every day feeling not good enough. My work load no longer exceeds my capabilities. I sleep better, eat better, exercise more, pray more. I miss my patients and colleagues. I miss the daily challenges. But there comes a time when a nurse has given all that can be given, and she hangs up her cap and puts her stethoscope in a drawer. I am there. And I am thankful for the times when I made a difference, when I saved a life, when I dried tears and held the hands of the suffering. It was a gift.
Thank you for sharing.
Mary, you summed it up very well for me. I left my 35 year nursing career this year and feel exactly as you expressed. Thank You for putting into words what I could not.
Thank you Mary , it is how I feel day in and day out at times but I do my best and as long as everyone is safe and sound at the end of the day it is what matters.
So good to hear that there is someone else besides me that feels that way. The time does come when we have nothing left to give. It makes my heart heavy as deep down inside I try to come up with more. More compassion, more energy, more of what has made me a nurse all these years. I but I can’t.
Thank You Mary, for putting to words what so many of us “old School” nurses feel. I have just this day sent off my retirement papers after 44 years in the most exhausting, challenging, most rewarding profession on the face of the earth. This decision did not come easy. I always said I had to be ready to walk away. I too believe nursing is a calling and I received my calling at the very young age of 9. My mother bought me a book called “A cap for Kathy”. From that day I was hooked. I have loved and hated every single day of my nursing career.I also find it very frustrating that the newer nurses don’t seem to have the passion that we had. Too much emphasis is placed on more and more degrees. Before too long we are going to educate our selves away from the bedside. Who will take care of us then. I am by no means anti education. We are educated every day. I am walking away from my job not being a nurse, for nursing is who I am not just my job. God Bless all who continue in this profession.
I’m sure that you are and were good enough. With all your experience, you offered your patients and families care that far surpassed what a less senior nurse may have provided. Don’t ever sell yourself short! I’m sure you rocked as a nurse! Enjoy your retirement ! CSRN
Brie
I’ve been a nurse for 35 years. LPN then return school became a diploma RN. Now my diploma RN isn’t good enough, now They want BSN. In all my years. I have taken such pride in staying updated on advancements to safety care for my patients and their families. I haven’t worked in the last 4 months because of compassion fatigue. I was accused of being lazy and uncaring. I never called in or missed a shift. Did you know that for the last several decades studies have been done regarding compassion fatigue, yet I didn’t know what it was. Most nurses with the symptoms are labeled ” not team players” ” lazy” “not caring” what happens is that nurse moves onto another job, getting just enough of a break to start over. So thank you for A Nurse’s Story
Debra
The truth about nursing is all of the above comments. If you never hate nursing, you are not totally committed.
Why does it have to be this way? I hear these same thoughts and concerns all the time and have felt this way myself. What I also find frustrating is the lack of cohesiveness amongst the Nurses, the hospitals, and clinics we work with and for, this poor environment continues to thrive and we let it happen. Not to mention the low wages for the work we do. (UPS drivers make the same in my area). RN’s do not strike because they are shamed into feeling they are turning their backs on pt’s, and that is clearly used against us ( not saying strikes are the answer either). I have spoken out as diplomatically as one can in the past yet it falls on deaf ears and there seems to be no united front to battle this. ( not implying unions) All your thoughts and prayers are not going to improve work conditions or patient care, nurses need to speak up, if not for better work conditions but at least to share a common bond with your co workers. Luckily, I have a decent gig and my boss is pretty cool, but that still does not pay the bills or make the job any easier. Nurses stop being doormats, treat your co workers with respect, and slow down, things will get done when they get done.
Mary and all the others really said what nursing is all about. The sad part was when one did not get recognition, gratitude, or even a simple ” thanks ” from the ‘higher ups’ that actually gave them their big pay checks. It was for all of us, that made nursing a profession to be proud of, and on the side, we would laugh and say, ” wait until THEY become the patient ” !
I have been a nurse for 40 years; from LPN to BSN. I understand the frustrations. Nursing is a ministry. That is why we are able to endure the task before us. He takes us through. I think we all go through that period of love-hate relationship with this profession. I have worked from bedside to managerial positions in nursing and sometimes at the end of the day I am so mentally and emotionally drained. We can give 150% of ourselves everyday and not get a pat on the back but the minute something goes wrong or an error is made, it flies like wild fires. It is then that we feel so inadequate. Some of us get compensated well for what we do, but in most cases that is not the object. The nursing profession is so broad that we are mostly able to get the job our heart desires.We don’t leave our homes and families on a daily basis to hurt or harm anyone. We generally go to work with a joy to be able to provide care to those in need and sometimes they do not even appreciate it. As nurses, we must be willing to support and care for one another. Those of us who have paved the way must be willing to mentor those entering the profession in order that they get the sweetness of the profession that we once knew. There are other professions we can seek, but it is not our calling. We would be short changing ourselves as well as those who we care for. Many days I leave work planning my retirement but I have so much more to give. In spite of all the obstacle we encounter, nurses have this way of digging deep within for the strength to stay the course. The reason why we are able to do that is because we have been “called.”
Thank you for sharing.
My wife has been a RN for over 30 years at a local hospital here. With more hospitals becoming “for profit” they are more interested in the bottom line then patient care. Staffing is so short that most days she doesn’t get to eat lunch or even go to the bathroom in her 12 hour shift. She Hates it now. She never feels the patients are getting the care they should. I have heard from other nurses that she is a great nurse and she has had many patients write letters thanking her. She has many friends who are nurses and every one of them hate it also. The current climate of nursing will probably force her out of the profession very soon. Somehow they ruined a great calling. If you are thinking about a career in nursing talk to a nurse first. They will probably tell you to do something else.
Hi Brie, thank you for your blog, I needed to read this today to help reinforce that I am not alone. My favorite part about what I do is caring for patients, knowing that I can help make them more comfortable, but it seems that so much of what comes with (this profession) makes it very difficult some days to always love what I do. I appreciate you writing about this.
Thank you.