The other morning I quietly got ready for work. My sleeping husband lay in the bed, and as I put on my shoes I glanced frequently at his face as he dreamed only God knew what. His hair fell across his forehead in a playful, sloppy way, and it made me adore him all the more. The truth was I loved that man with all my heart, and as I paused to watch him sleep peacefully I told God as much.
Thank you for him, Lord. I prayed. And then I slipped on my other shoe.
This wasn’t my first marriage, and perhaps in a way the failure of my first made me all the more grateful and mindful of my second chance at happiness. Yet as I sat there in the dark praying for my spouse I realized that a lot had changed. I hadn’t all the sudden gotten lucky in love, and I had not even landed the perfect guy. It was more than that.
I pray that I make you proud, Lord. I offered silently. I pray that I am a wife that pleases you.
I realized then what had really changed. I had always been a romantic, and a woman who desired a happy marriage. I had always been the type who hated to argue and didn’t enjoy a fight. As such I often conceded to the wishes of the man I was with, and my ultimate goal was to make him happy. To please him. Whatever that may take.
I’m still a big believer in making my husband happy, but I do so because I care for him. Any of the many ways I serve my spouse are a practice in love, but I don’t act out of a desire to strictly serve him. My marriage isn’t about pleasing my husband. It’s so much more.
If your relationship goal is to make the other person happy then you will likely fail. Although you have the ability to perform in a way that makes your partner’s life more pleasant, you do not have the power to change them. You can’t fix them, and you cannot make an unhappy person suddenly become content. You simply cannot base your marriage relationship strictly on making the other person happy. You just don’t have it in you.
Marriage isn’t magic, and you can’t cast a spell on your spouse. You can serve them loyally and faithfully, but you cannot control their mood or emotions. No matter how much I love my husband I can’t make his stress at work go away or banish the personal struggles he faces. And while I do believe I make him very happy, I understand that I am not responsible for his deep and consistent joy.
The truth is our marriage gives us both a beautiful and abundant amount of happiness, but it is our relationship with Christ that gives us joy. It is that solid, very real experience that carries us through life triumphantly even when our emotions may fail us. And in such my marriage isn’t simply about pleasing my spouse. More importantly it’s about pleasing the Lord.
When I serve my spouse I also serve Christ, and when I learn to handle that relationship in a way that pleases the Lord, I subsequently please my husband. Human relationships can often fail us, not purposefully, but they do. And if your only foundation lies on the satisfaction man brings then you may end up feeling like something is lacking.
Before you can fully enjoy a relationship with your partner, each of you must learn to enjoy life with Christ as the center. A relationship with Jesus is the focal point, and a happy marriage is built around that.
Ecclesiastes 4:12 (NLT)
A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.
As I left that day I thanked the Lord for my spouse, and I prayed that not only would He continue to strengthen my relationship with my spouse, but also our relationship with Him.
I love pleasing my husband, but I ultimately love pleasing Jesus. I try to reflect my love for the Lord through my actions in my marriage, and it just somehow works. Like it never has before.
Denise says
As a Christian woman I don’t think that I have ever considered this angle of my marriage. I love God with my whole heart and daily I try to please Him and let my actions shine as a reflection of my love for Him. But like all of us, our marriage has its struggles..disagreements…moments of controversy….challenge. It takes me several days to work through those feelings, and my husband seems to “heal” within a day. I just can’t turn it so quickly and feel content and secure after these challenges. Perhaps I need to work and pray harder and refocus my marital commitment to God?
Thank you, Brie, for this blog and surfacing this for me. This is a blog that I need to read many times, and pray upon.
You’re such an inspiring writer.
God bless you.
Denise
your St. Louis, MO friend
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much Denise.
Barbara Allen says
Brie, I love this article on marriage. I was married to the most loving man for 39 yrs + 2 wks. He was one & only, my first & only loves of my life
Barbara Allen says
Brie, this is one of my favorite articles of yours that I have read. I can relate to whole heart ally. My sweet husband of 39 + 2 wks passed Sept 11, 2011 from his 3rd heart attack. He was my high school sweetheart & soulmate. He was my best friend. He was my one & only( we were both pure, virgins, when we married. We eloped 3 mos after graduation. We knew only after dating 6 mos that the Lord created us to be together. We learned early in our marriage that the closer we were to the Lord rhe closer we were to each other. The 3 strand cord was our scripture that we claimed as ours. It is so true. Even after death he is very much still a part of my life. I miss him so but I have peace in knowing that we WILL be together again one day. May the Lord continue to bless you & your little family & keep writing. To God be the Glory, Amen. Love me!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much. God bless you.