A while back I witnessed an interaction between a parent and child that bothered me so bad that I’m still thinking about it. In my mind’s eye I can still picture the look of defeat on this little boy’s downcast face, and it makes me want to reach into my memory, pull him out, and envelope his lanky body in a massive bear hug.
Have you ever met a child like that? One who needed a hug like a fish needs water?
I’m no perfect parent, not by a long shot. I yell at my kids sometimes, and I know I do it way more than I should. I’ve been known to react irrationally when under stress, and although I’ve never physically or emotionally abused my children in my moments of anger, I’m quite certain I’ve raised my voice to a level that does them no good, but rather only serves to harm us both. So I understand. I get that parenting is tough, and that emotions can become frayed.
What I cannot understand is screaming at your child for over 45 minutes straight and about something like not understanding their school work. I watched in horror once as a mom berated her child endlessly. At first I thought, “yep,we’ve all been there,” but when it didn’t de-escalate I began to feel uncomfortable.
As time ticked on the woman’s anger grew, her tone became more harsh and jagged, and I felt increasingly helpless. I only could imagine how the young boy felt, but I thought I might have an inkling by the way his shoulders slumped forward in surrender and his eyes stared forlorn at his dirty sneakers.
It wasn’t my first encounter with the young man. I had been privy before to tales from his parents of his many and varied accomplishments, and his laundry list of accolades would certainly impress Harvard. Perhaps his confusion over his Science homework threatened his folk’s dreams of Ivy League, but it didn’t seem to soften the blow of her demeaning words and jabbing finger in my opinion.
Whatever the reason for her continued rage I just couldn’t get behind it as a parent, and I kept hoping at some point she would stop and give him a hug.
This is how you create serial killers, I mused to myself, and I had a future vision of him standing in a bell tower with a semiautomatic weapon trained on his peers. Would they all mysteriously bear his mother’s face through the scope of his deadly rifle?
My thoughts might seem like a stretch to some, but that didn’t change the fact that in my opinion this young man needed something he wasn’t getting. No, he didn’t need more activities to busy his time, and he didn’t require a learning curriculum better suited to his specific needs. What he required was to feel loved.
He needed someone to say, “you’re doing good,” or perhaps, “you’re a special young man.” My interactions with him previously had given me the impression he was a little bit odd, an outcast if you will, and I wondered if perhaps more positive reinforcement might not could bring him out of his shell.
As I looked at him afterwards I wondered how often he heard, “I’m proud of you,” or even, “I love you.” I prayed he heard those things enough, but the way he shuffled away when I saw him last made me wonder.
I wanted to hug him, and if I could turn back time I would do just that. Perhaps he would have stood there stiff, awkward, and uncomfortable. But perhaps he would have hugged me right back.
Well said. I know how that boy felt…I stood in those shoes …..I try to encourage …
My husband grew up with such a mother as you described in the article and she has NOT softened as she has aged. I am trying to help undo the damage created by years of emotional and physical abuse. Yes, there were occasions he was physically abused over his homework. His brother was treated the same way. I agree with you that this is how serial killers are made, but I also think there needs to be some kind of underlying genetic predisposition. His brother has turned into a warm and accepting person and a people pleaser as an adult. My husband is also a people pleaser to strangers but his other side comes out when he gets mad at the kids. Before we married I told him what he was getting into with me. I said there are two things that are dealbreaker’s for me. The first is infidelity and the second one is physical abuse. I grew up in a great home so I didn’t know what emotional abuse even was. Now I know what it is because of the way his mom continues to treat him. And I know what it is when he slips up and flies into a verbal rage. I always take him aside and tell him that yelling solves nothing and there are positive ways to solve things. I have been giving him the tools over a number of years. And we severely limit contact with his mom because she is also been abusive to me and the kids. Maybe you can track this gangly teen down and try to mentor him before it’s too late. His mom sounds like a full-blown narcissist or borderline or both. Most parents live their lives through their kids to some extent, but Narcissists live their live’s completely through their children and through their children’s accomplishments. Therefore when the child is not receiving accolades in school, the narcissist takes it personally and feels a tremendous sense of shame about himself or herself and lays into to the child trying to make the child feel just as ashamed. I have come to the point where I almost think all parents should have mandatory psychological screening before they can have children. Yes it’s a totalitarian solution, but there are some people who should NEVER have kids. It makes me ill beyond comprehension when I see a parent who had a child just to use the child as his or her punchingbag for their own internal rage that they have refused to address.