Often times when mistakes, poor decisions, or outright atrocities in marriage are committed it is assumed that the effects will be minimal, that they can be controlled, and be confined to an immediate area of impact. It’s neglected the ripple effect that our actions have, we miss it until it’s too late, and we’re unable to erase the damage left in our wake.
When I was in the Navy adultery was a pretty common thing for me to witness. I can even remember having a pact with a friend when we deployed. Our ship was nicknamed “The Love Boat” due to its high incidence of hook-ups, and I can tell you that a lot of the cheaters had a spouse waiting at home. With so much non-monogamy going on around us my friend and I made a promise to watch each other’s back, and speak up quickly if we witnessed the other being even borderline inappropriate.
I had no doubt that I could remain faithful, but it was simply an added caution amidst commonplace debauchery. And sure enough, I saw plenty of debauchery.
I can recall a serial offender by the name of Alan. Alan wasn’t just an adulterer by chance. I mean, I guess you could get past someone making a mistake. Months at sea, a man’s needs ever present, drunken shore leave. It could happen. But no, Alan was a repeat cheater.
Alan had cheated on his first wife, and then he had also cheated on his second. It turned out his third wife was his mistress while married to the second Mrs., and currently on the deployment of which I speak you could see Alan galavanting openly with a young, red-headed girl. All the while his third wife lay at home on bed rest as she was expecting their child.
His sexual prowess wasn’t hearsay, rumor, or scuttlebutt. He had been caught red-handed, or rather red-faced, with his pants around his ankles in the OR bay after hours. This bought him, among other punishments, a phone call home. He stood in front of the Commanding Officer of our ship, and he was forced to call home and confess his indiscretions to his wife.
I wasn’t on the other end of the phone that day, but I have a feeling his wife wasn’t terribly surprised. Surely she knew deep down that one day she’d become the victim of “the other woman” role that she had only recently held.
Regardless, before he could return home with his tail between his legs, we had a deployment to finish. He got demoted in rank, and I remember watching as he cleared his workspace. On his desk was a picture of his family, and I couldn’t help but stare at the faces of three lovely, blond girls. His daughters.
Their sweet faces somehow made it worse to me, even then, before I knew the love you could have for your child. And although I felt terrible for the women he had married, and subsequently cheated on, it was the young girls that broke my heart.
I wondered if years later when his eldest daughter fell for a guy who treated her disrespectfully, would he wonder why? When she later married this apparent scumbag, would he stand aghast? When she stayed with this loser who continued to sleep around and bring home STD’s, would daddy be completely baffled?!
What about when his other daughters followed suit?
Would he really be shocked to see such a skewed view held by his little princesses? Could he really wonder why they allowed themselves to be treated with such utter disregard? After all, hadn’t he set the bar?
What he didn’t seem to realize as he jumped from one woman’s bed to another was that his actions weren’t just affecting his penis. They weren’t even just affecting the long line of lovers in his wake. They were affecting the innocent bystanders under his charge.
The fact is that young girls learn what to expect from a man by watching their father. They learn what marriage is supposed to be like by watching their parents. When they are surrounded by unhealthy examples then that is what they come to expect as the norm, and as their parent you can’t be surprised when they end up in unhealthy, failing relationships as adults.
Cycles of abuse, adultery, likely substance addiction, and inevitable divorce become a common sequence that repeats itself for generations.
It’s nice to think our actions only affect ourselves. It’s more comfortable to believe that our mistakes impact no one other than us, but for the majority of the time this simply is not true. Yes, curses can be broken, and individuals can move past the examples set for them, but that’s a difficult and unnecessary obstacle to place in front of your children.
When you become a parent you become a role model, and little eyes are looking up to you to guide them. Adultery is an awful, nasty business all on its own, but factor in how it influences future relationships for your children, and it becomes monumental.
Young men learn how to treat a lady by watching dear old dad, and they will base their expectations on a wife to be similar to mom. If mom is a nag then junior will assume that’s how it’s supposed to be. If dad hits mom at the dinner table, don’t be surprised if junior later follows this example in his own home.
Marriage is hard, and maybe for some people, like Alan, so is being faithful. Just understand that if children are involved your decision to cheat will go beyond the seedy hotel room. It will follow through to the next generation, and that’s who is really cheated by adultery.