This morning as I stood in the hot shower spray prior to leaving for my job as a nurse in the ICU I prayed like I do every other work morning, and the petition was a familiar one at that.
“Help me to hear your voice, Lord, and do no harm.” I prayed. And while my words weren’t exactly, “help me not to kill anyone today,” let’s just be honest. That’s pretty much what I meant.
Nursing is one of those jobs where how you perform is pretty important, and having an “off day” mentally isn’t really a viable option. The margin for error is extremely small, and really you want to avoid mistakes period. Because when you mess-up real human beings suffer the consequences.
No, that’s not stressful at all.
So it’s not so much that I pray out of fear, but rather that I beg for strength for the difficult road ahead. After all, you never really can foresee what you will face when you walk in the door, and patient care assignments typically resemble Forrest Gump’s box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get.
But it’s not the uncertainty alone that makes it challenging. It’s not even the thirteen hour day. Sometimes it’s just the expectation of performance that makes it so tough.
Despite how you’re feeling personally on any given day, you will arrive with your game face on. You won’t be allowed to slip into the chaos slowly, but rather you’ll be forced to dive-in head first. That’s just the nature of the beast. You’ll perform quickly, proficiently, without error, and with a smile on your face. And if you happen to be short of staff, or find the hospital at maximum capacity, you’ll still perform at an optimal level. You won’t have a choice.
I know a guy who owns a restaurant, and he told me that when they get really busy, and absolutely cannot produce more than they are currently putting out then they take the phone off the hook. That sounded pretty good to me, and I’ve had days where I would like to do the same. But people don’t stop getting sick because my co-worker called in, and they don’t even take a break from their illness when I really need to pee.
As a nurse when you hit the wall mentally and physically of what you can do you aren’t allowed to take the phone off the hook. In life and death situations you can’t even walk away for a second to collect yourself. So when you reach the end of your rope you just magically find some more slack. You push, and push, and push. Without error. Without mistake. With a clear head and professional demeanor. This is the expectation.
Also, aside from the expectations of your employer and the general public at large, you are scrutinized by the worst judge ever. Yourself. You would think you’d give yourself a little wiggle room. After all, you are faced with the continuous interactions with some of the most difficult people in the world to deal with, and you must deal with them in the most difficult and stressful situation they have likely ever encountered. You’ll speak compassionately in the face of unnecessary and undeserved insult, and empathetically soothe even the most unsoothable of the population.
You’ll treat ten out of ten pain for someone playing Candy Crush on their phone, and feel the shame when the next day you’re given a different assignment per the patient’s request because you refused to give them a pain shot right when they asked for it.
You’ll answer as best you can questions outside of your scope of practice, but even then you may be undermined for your answers when they differ from “my brother’s girlfriend who’s a nurse.”
Yet despite your understanding of the challenging populace you serve, you will still not measure up in your own eyes. Regardless of the continuous and changing knowledge base you must keep up-to-date, you will feel like you don’t know a thing some days. No one will chastise you more for missing an IV than yourself, and no one will be more disappointed in your daily performance under stress than you. It’s true; your expectations for yourself go way beyond what even the most demanding patient could ever hold.
The weight of so much responsibility, the strain of being stretched beyond your limits, and the unrealistic expectations held by others, but especially by yourself, will make you wonder on the really bad days how you can hate something you love so much. How you can cry in supposed defeat, frustration, and grief over a vocation that on the other hand gives you so much joy.
On the days that end with you running off your unit, or dragging yourself from there, and eventually settling into the quietness of your car where you cry hot tears, those days you feel a little burned out. Maybe a lot.
But then something strange always happens to me. A coworker will send me a kind message, thanking me for all my hard work, and their appreciation for what I assumed was my failure actually takes my breath away.
When I encounter a former patient, and they tell me how I changed their life, or saved their life, or even meant the world to them during such a difficult time, I am left speechless. “Who me? The blundering dunderhead?” (That’s certainly how I feel after a code. No matter how many I’ve been through.) Yet they mean it. They really mean it. I am left blessed, and I am left lifted from my low places.
When a loved one calls me asking for my opinion and advice on health issues I am honored. If it’s 1 a.m. I am frustrated, but I am also proud to be part of a profession where others seek my counsel and assistance when they are frightened and unsure.
When a terribly sick patient, like the kind of patient that you are sure will die, pulls through and gets better, I feel elevated. I feel like I could fly when I realize that I held a small part in the healing and restoration of someone’s life. No feeling compares to that.
A smile, a laugh, a compliment, or a thank you are ultimate motivators to my weary body and mind.
And then I’m not burned out. Almost, but not quite.
So I go to bed early, and I wake up even earlier. I stand in the hot shower spray in anticipation of another thirteen hour day, and I pray. “Help me to hear your voice, Lord, and do no harm.”
And then I’m good.
You are an absolutely amazing nurse. You have your heart in the right place and your there for the right reasons. When my mother was there you were exceptional. When you walked in the room you knew exactly what needed to be done and you did perfectly with a smile and with compassion. While some others I wondered about. Not because I knew more than them because I for sure dont. But hearing them talk about some of the patients outside of their room making fun even of some. How sad I thought in these people’s moment of need. You always were professional, caring, compassionate, speedy, and just amazing. Some people I believe go into that field with the hopes of big money not realizing what all goes along with it. You are perfect at what you do missed iv or not your still the best Brie.
Thank you so much. Your kind, encouraging words mean more than you’ll ever know.
Brie, I am a nursing student in my final year this Fall. You are such an inspiration. Can I preceptor with you please? God bless
Willie Massay
Thank you so much!
Our daughter was in and out of the hospital for seven years. There were many great nurses who had compassion and truly cared as you do. There were nurses who would make a special visit to come and see our daughter, to bring her gifts, and to talk. Our daughter would give the nurses gifts as well. I wish that the great nurses would not stick up for the nurses who give the wrong medicine, or wrong dosage, which kill patients. In the seven years, I saw such terrible nurses, they should be washing dishes, and I think maybe even that was too good for them, they didn’t care about their patient, stabbing them with needles, not answering the call bell, not cleaning them properly, and not administering medicine on time. This should not be allowed, and yet, the system allows it every day. Our daughter was killed by negligence, which can’t be corrected. The hospital should NOT be able to cover up the errors.
Beautifully written and so true!
Thank you!
Check out Tim Keller’s short book entitled, “The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness”. The book encourages us to not care what others think, but also to not care what we think of ourselves. He says that each day we put ourselves on trial when in reality, the ultimate verdict has already been given us by God. It’s a great read. Thank you for your awesome post!
That sounds like a great read. Thank you.
Brieann,you have expressed so well what many of us think and feel on and off the clock. Being in the health profession for over twenty five years has been very rewarding yet challenging because it is difficult to meet all the physical , spiritual and emotional needs of the client and sometimes their family unit. As we go on to help and heal those around us we have got to remember to take care of ourselves as well. Thanks for a great post!
Thank you!
Just had a trying shift in the ED that brought me to tears of frustration. Had to take time off to recharge and your article topped my day off gloriously. Reminded me why I decided to be a nurse. Tired but very proud to be one
Thank you.
I shared this on my page with my ICU coworkers today. I believe it captures the essence of my morning drive to work. Thank you for taking the time to commit it to words.
Thanks so much Ryan.
Great writing from the heart. Thank you!
Thank you!
Eloquently written from an obviously gifted and caring nurse. As a 30+ year Peds hem/onc nurse I have so often experienced those same emotions and prayed that exact same pray everyday along with “Lord. Love someone thru me today- let my arms be your arms and my hands be your hands.” When you put yourself out there day after day and give with all your being it certainly makes you vulnerable to “burn out.” However, when you’re called to a profession you love, and one you are destined for, those little roses come a long to be picked just often enough to keep you going and the timing is always impeccable. God Bless you and I plan to share your beautiful words with my younger staff. We have to take care of each other.
Thank you so much! I love your prayer. ☺️
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This is a very honest and truthful look into the fears and frustrations that nurses feel, but may be afraid to say. I think it’s very well written, and brings us back to the reason why we became nurses in the first place. Thank you for sharing!
And thank you very much commenting!
This was just what I needed! You could be writing about my days on my unit. Thank you!
Thank you for commenting!
Yes you nailed it. Thank you for your honest assessment of our profession. And for sharing your heartfelt experiences. You rock!
Thank you so much for your comment.
Beautifully expressed! I didn’t quite make it through nursing school, so I wound up working many shifts as a CNAII in an ED. I learned a lot — but most especially how amazing nurses are! Please try to give yourself a break now and then. Hyperfunctioning wears too many out, too soon! Thanks for all you do.
Kathy
Thank you so much. Being a CNA is super tough, and much appreciated by nursing.
There are very few who care much about what you know, wh÷n they see how much you care! Briann, you have wrote a honest and very real capture of many of our collective thoughts and actions. By the way it was very refreshing.
Thank you!
I agree! Just left med-surg nurse after 15 years! I miss it already! I hope I can make hospice nursing work. I left 4 months ago. I am trying to give it a year. I have three kiddos at home. In two years we will have 3 teenagers. We had our kiddos close together! My new job allows me to be home during the week. Anyway, great job on this blog!
Thank you. Despite that I’m an ICU nurse currently, hospice nursing holds a special place in my heart. You can be something really special for family in that role. Best wishes.
This brought me to tears on a break during a crazy ER shift in the midst of a crazy week. Amen. Thanks for writing this for all of us nurses out there.
Thank you so much! Your comment and those of other nurses really encourages me in my writing.
Your writing touched me. I have been a nurse for 20 years, with many of those years being in an OR. You have captured what so many of us feel. However, I am always appreciative of those who would challenge my thinking, and I hope you feel the same.
Something that really hit a nerve with me was the statement “You’ll treat a ten out of ten pain for someone playing Candy Crush on their phone”. I have a twenty year old daughter who was recently diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitis. I have to admit, before now I never really knew what that was. I knew cystitis. I didn’t know with this autoimmune disease that they lose the inner lining of the bladder, exposing the bladder wall to the acid that causes inflammation and bleeding ulcers such that my daughter has. She feels like she has the worst bladder infection every single day. Some days are worse than others, feeling like she is urinating razor blades. My grieve has been so intense watching my daughter suffer. I am crying as I am typing this. What makes it worse, is that many pain specialists don’t want to take her on as a patient because they “don’t know much about it” and it’s “not in my field of expertise”. This is new to us so I will continue to look for one. The other day I was in the ER with her. She cried in the car all the way there. She gets embarrassed to cry in front of others. While there, she was on her phone trying desperately to take her mind off of the pain by reading a book she had downloaded. She also had to text her boss that she would again be late to work due to the pain, worrying about losing yet another job. Meanwhile, I heard the ER nurse say “Room seven (that was us) can’t be in that much pain…..she’s texting and talking on her phone and doesn’t look to be in any distress. I think she’s just a drug seeker.” I wanted to tear her apart!!! I yelled to her “Why don’t you read the operative report that describes her bladder?? Or check her urine if you think she’s on drugs!” In our care plans, one of the things listed that we are to try for chronic pain is diversional activity to take their mind off the pain. And yet, nurses I work with and encounter seem to think that the patient is faking it if they take part in that diversional activity.
Those reading, PLEASE consider this when you have to make a judgment about a patient’s pain level. We have been so burned out by our encounters in the past with “drug seekers” that we sometimes forget that some are barely holding it together with their pain.
Thank you for commenting. So sorry for your daughter’s circumstances, and as a mother I empathize with your pain too. So sorry you experienced this situation. Thank you for reminding us all to keep our hearts and minds open.
Thank you for your wonderful post…having been retired now for 3 years from working 34 years on a very busy Medical unit, I can so identify with all that you said . I too used to pray each morning on my way to work for the strength and guidance to get me through the tough day ahead. It seem to work. To this day I will be stopped while out by former patients or their families to thank me…it still surprises me every time to think that I made a difference that they still remember after all this time…yes being a nurse is very frustrating at times but also so gratifying. thankyou,
Thank you!
Beautiful, thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you, I learned very much from your example and reflections 🙂
Thank you.
Brie, BEAUTIFULLY written !! I am a nurse who is getting ready to retire after 39 years. Many days were difficult, but rewarding and many wonderful learning and growing opportunities. Thanks for sharing from your heart. Nurses are charged with so much responsibility many times it seems overwhelming, but as you said, that all goes away when we hear the impact we have on our patients and families. Not many people have the privilege to hold peoples’ lives and hearts in their hands. My advise to all nurses – treat all patients as if they were your family member. Because they are someone’s family !!!
Thank you.
I am an ICU sister too in RSA and this so true for nurses all over the world. Thank you for the article it makes me feel as though I am not the only who thinks that way!
Thank you.
I feel you are a true angel. I loved your story.
Thank you. ☺️
Thank you so much for this. It brought tears to my eyes and a smile in my heart knowing this is exactly where I’m suppose to be. Even though most of us feel exactly like this but don’t stop to think about it. Thank you Karen Roark
Thank you very much.
I just resigned from my position as an ER nurse after almost 7 years. You put into words beautifully what I feel and I am so grateful to hear my thoughts echoed. I still have a road ahead of me to find out where I will go with my nursing career from here and to tackle head on those fears again, but for now I am going to find increased value in being Mom. Thank you again!
Thank you. Best wishes to you.
You have an exspectional mind and heart. God gave u that proffession because he knew u were the perfect person for it. You are absolutely right nursing in not easy, anytime u deal with people it’s very challenging. Sick people can be some of the rudest. I have nurses in my family and they have told me some horror stories. I at one time worked in a nursing home and those old people didn’t act half as bad as people in hospitals. Some hospital patients think u owe them because u a nurse. I have had 7 surgeries and been in the hospitals where I’ve witnessed very bad patients talk to hospital employees even the ones that come clean their rooms. Now that’s low. U please continue your proffession, you are a child of God, and he gave u that courage and strength because he knew he had chosen the perfect child. Hold your head high look up at heaven raise your arms open them wide, and give it all to GOD. Because he loves u very much. And he doesn’t regret that he chose u, so don’t u ever regret one day of your life for what u doing. When it gets tuff give it to God. Thank u and all nurses for what u do. I personally admire all of u. Continuing praying and he will listen always. God Bless you and all your family.
Thank you.
Beautifully well said! Nursing is a Very touchy subject. Your such an angel? I can relate…. I may not work in ED or ICU but as nurse in a skilled facility its also tremendously tiring, challenging and extensively mentally exhausting. From different types of p/o medsurge, to cancer and hospice patients with grieving process and to our challenging psych behavioral patients is a lot to manifest in a 12-14 hour period. Let alone the endless charting at the end of the shift. Not quite the hospital setting where things get done quicker but as nurse for years in this setting you’ll learn to be quick and master your assessment. Other nurses may say that skilled nurses only passes pills. Nope… by all means it’s a relentless additional duties that are added on and on throughout the day. No doctors around and with minimal access to certain meds and equipments that are not easily accessed. We are most definitely relied on with the changes of the multiple patients we care for. So yes it’s definitely a burnt out. When I wake up in the morning to go to work I pray to our Heavenly Father to give me strength and to be with me in my hours of duty. I’ve been a nurse for 12 years with long hours ahead of me in a Medicare wing holding 14-16 patients with multiple IV’s, TPN’s, wound vacs with different other treatments and at the same time passing meds, calling MD’s, attending to families needs and as well as admissions and discharges. It’s a fast pace with a full load for one nurse and often short handed. It’s quite overwhelming and YES I definitely get burnt out. But by the grace of GOD he continues to walk with me and hold my hand to help me care for the sick and him knowing that this is my passion. I salute you! ? Jinnie
Love the article and love you!! Thank you for your honesty in sharing your experience, strength, and hope.
Thank you very much!
Thank you for writing and sharing what so many of us feel! God Bless You! You have given my who aren’t nurses an inside to our calling. Your amazing!
Thank you so much!
So I had that day today. I packed my little one up in the car to play at McDonald’s so I could enjoy NO ONE talking to me(just being honest here) 🙂 I am sitting in the McDonald’s playground area crying because I feel like it’s a letter to me after the day I had. So thank you;)
Thanks so much for taking the time to comment that. Hugs.
God Bless you ! You are our “voice” As a nurse for 45 years and nearly retiring next year..I could say, that I’ve been though soo many changes but, love, caring, compassion still our purpose. This is God’s Calling for us. As for me, it’s my passion to serve our Lord, and glorify His Name through nursing..the most rewarding job, I still love it..we are in death / life situation so, everyone must pray before starting our job..my simple prayer: Lord, Guide me as I take care of patients today. I end up my day, thanking God and everyone of my co – staff. We need to appreciate each other! Love you and God Bless!
Thank you so much. God bless you.
I feel like you reached into my heart and soul and told my story. Thank you for the truth and sad reality of a nurse. I have never loved my profession more than on the days when I feel united with others that are feeling there just isn’t enough that I can do and feel helpless. Thank you. Thank you for making it real.
Thank you so much.
Thanks for your honesty! I have been a hospital nurse for 30 years and you say burned out to some people and they act like they don’t get it. Most people don’t have any idea about the stress that nurses face day to day. thanks again for bringing this to light!
Thank you!