A lot of people in this world are looking for love, and not always in the right places. Only about half of those looking right this minute have found a relationship that they believe is worth investing in and keeping long term. And only half of that population is finding true happiness in that stated relationship.
I think we all want happiness, and a large majority of us desire that happiness in a relationship with our significant other. I’ve said it before, maintaining a happy relationship, where both parties are satisfied (not just getting by) is difficult not only to obtain, but to maintain.
I’ll start by saying that if you are not happy with yourself or you’re not finding contentment in a relationship with The Lord first then a personal relationship with another human being is going to be really hard to say the least, but that’s another blog for another day.
For the subject at hand I’ve made a list. These are five things you can do or continue doing that will ultimately doom your relationship. It won’t end it right away, but rather it will chip away at it slowly and painfully over an extended period of time. If you’re into a long, drawn-out break-up then by all means continue to partake in all the behaviors on this list. But if you want your spouse to be fulfilled and satisfied in the relationship then you might want to rethink things.
1. Stop listening. I started with this one first because it’s simultaneously the easiest to do, most obvious, yet most overlooked key to relationship happiness. This is one of those long term pieces of the puzzle. What I mean is listening is pretty easy in the beginning. All their stories are new. You haven’t spent years together sharing every single moment in time. As a relationship ages listening may become more difficult, but it also becomes so much more important to longevity.
Picture this. It’s been a long day. Work. Kids. Responsibilities. Dinner. Bedtime draws near, and all you want to do is chill out with some peace and quiet. Maybe you pull out a book, or maybe your phone. Maybe it’s a game you’re trying to beat to the next level or a social networking tool you’re scrolling through. It’s relaxing. All of the sudden your spouse interrupts your vegetative state with something. You’re not sure. He’s talking. You’re catching pieces here and there. Maybe it’s about the guy at work he’s always griping about. Maybe it’s something you actually have zero interest in, like his on-line video game.
You have two options here. You can agreeably nod your head like you’re listening and go “uh-huh” or you can really and truly listen. You can put down your book or your phone and look him in the eye. You can give all your attention rather than just a fragment. He’s wanting to share with you. Let him. Even if “it” doesn’t interest you; you interest him, and he interests you. Right? Listening shows that more than you realize.
We all want to be of interest to someone. When you stop listening your partner feels unimportant. They will desire to feel special and might wish to seek it elsewhere.
2. Nag. I recently had a patient whose wife nagged him the whole time. She dictated his care for him and told him every single time she thought he wasn’t doing things like he should be. It was exhausting for me so I can’t imagine how he felt. They had been married for sixty years, so nagging may not dissolve your relationship in itself, but we’re talking about a happy, contented relationship, right?
No one, I repeat no one likes to hear how wrong they are all the time, every single day. News flash. We’re all imperfect creatures, every one of us. A nagging wife is like a judge. You stand on your plateau of pristine actions handing out your opinion, that you see as the final judgement of truth, and put your observations into law as the way things should be. Or else!
No man wants a warden for a spouse. No man wants you to be his mother. If he did he would have kept on living at home with his folks. I could quote some Bible scriptures here but I won’t. Why? Because I know most of you have read them. But putting it into practice is another thing entirely. Please read Ephesians 5:22-33 with an open heart.
When you nag your spouse insistently on their behavior you are usually ignoring your own faults while simultaneously sabotaging your husband’s self-esteem and ability to lead the family unit effectively.
3. Take control. You can reread the above referenced scriptures. And I am blogging to men and women alike. We both have a role of mutual respect to carry in a relationship. But I’m a woman, and as a woman I know the best way to lift my husband up, and also how to effectively tear him down.
If I want to make my husband feel useless in the relationship then I can take away any control of the family unit from his hands. Since I don’t want to do that I chose to support him in his role as head of the household.
There’s a lot of women who want their man to take care of them, to discipline the children, support the family financially, etc, but then gripe and complain when he doesn’t. One question for you. Are you allowing him the liberty to do so? If you’re constantly nagging him and correcting his ability to lead and perform then he will give up.
He can’t get in the practice to strongly lead the family if you won’t let him. When a woman tries to control every action and decision for the family she leaves no room for her spouse to do so. Don’t complain about your man not being a man if you’re not cultivating leadership in him. Support him. Love him. Don’t constantly judge, correct, and demean him.
4. Talk bad about him/her on Facebook. Or any social network or social situation for that matter. It happens. I understand. They say something, do something, or maybe don’t do something, and it makes you mad! It hurts your feelings. You react, quickly and with little thought. This has been happening since the dawn of time. It’s how fights often happen. You say something you regret out of hurt. Where this has changed is with social networking. Now when you get mad or hurt and lash out you have the opportunity to do so for the world to see.
A poorly thought out status update after a fight with your spouse is like bad reality TV. It’s like having a hidden camera in your bedroom. And who wants that? Well, apparently a lot of people. I see behind closed doors at least daily on my Facebook perusal. While it’s honestly amusing it’s really not something anyone wants to see. But more importantly is the harm this does to your relationship. Your partner will usually find out. Not only will they be hurt, but they’ll be embarrassed. Over time public humiliation of your partner is a recipe for relationship failure. If you don’t believe me then by all means continue to air your dirty laundry on social media.
Or, may I suggest lifting your spouse up, speaking kindly and proudly of him/her on social networks. You’ll be pleasantly surprised by the outcome.
5. Don’t pray for them. It is my strong opinion that for a relationship to survive and especially flourish you must have a dedicated prayer life for your spouse. When you decide to spend a lifetime with someone they become a major point in your intercession. You pray for your job. You pray for the safety of your kids. You pray for strangers on Facebook. So why forget to pray for your spouse?
It’s like watering a garden. If you want beautiful blooms to grow you have to pour life-giving aqua into the dry soil. So it is with a prayer life for your spouse. You have to daily, yes daily, pray for the Holy Spirit to saturate and refresh your spouse’s soul. Pray that they will grow strong in The Lord!
This doesn’t mean praying for you! That’s where we often falter. We think we pray for our spouse. We pray, “Lord, help him be a better provider” or “help him stop doing _____.” I’m not saying you can’t pray for betterment of your spouse, but it’s good to question your motives. Are you praying they change for themselves or for you? If you want more on this subject you can find it here.
I encourage you to pray for your spouse without ceasing, but make sure it’s an unselfish prayer life. That’s all. Otherwise you’re really just praying for yourself again.
So who am I? I’m certainly not a relationship expert. I am a woman on her second marriage. I do regret suffering through a divorce. I did make mistakes, and I do plan to not make those again. I have a beautiful, successful marriage this time around and will do everything to keep it maintained. If someone can learn anything from mistakes I’ve made then I’m happy with that.
I desire happiness for you all. If you can take even one of these points and use it for the betterment of your relationship then I’m blessed.