- Some memories are a welcome ray of sunshine, piercing your brain with their warmth and joy, while others come unwelcome, unannounced like a door-to-door salesman peddling items you don’t need at an inconvenient time. Today a scene from my childhood awakened itself in my mind. I don’t remember replaying this scene before, but it held that realistic quality of time past, perhaps a moment that had slid by, unnoticed, or swept into a dark corner of my brain to be forgotten about. I think I was around my daughter’s age, three, or maybe four. In this forgotten memory I was bawling. It reminded me of my own child throwing a fit, but somehow seemed more. My cries were anguishing. I was wrapped around a man’s leg, clinging to it in a bear hug, similar to pictures I’ve seen of young cubs holding tightly to the top of a tree attempting to escape a forest fire. I was screaming, “Don’t leave! Please don’t go!” The man was my father, my biological parent, and he was leaving. I didn’t want him to go.
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This ushered other thoughts into my head, moments not forgotten, but not thought of often, and certainly not pleasantly so.
I thought of a seven year old little me, filling my new dad’s backpack with Elmer’s glue, doing my best with limited resources to ruin his bag so he could not gather his things and leave.
I thought of an eight year old little me, scribbling furiously with a red crayon onto a piece of furniture “I hate Randy.” This was my biological father’s first name and it seemed more fitting in my anger to call him that rather than dad. I wasn’t just angry. It’s never that simple. I was deeply wounded. Why didn’t he want me?
I thought of a time late at night in my teens. I cooked breakfast to busy myself. My dad walked in, back from the hospital, back from my mom’s side after she had broken and tried to take her own life, for the first time. He had been short, distraught. He had shared with me that he “couldn’t do this,” that he “couldn’t handle it.” I knew he would leave, and what surprised me most was that I wasn’t surprised. I had always suspected he would leave. When he didn’t, when he stuck around, well, I was really surprised.
I thought of when my mother died, later, when my dad got remarried. I thought of my fears, fears that he would just distance himself from me. I thought since she was gone and there was nothing to tie us together, he wouldn’t see me as his child anymore.
- The last thought made me laugh a little at its absurdity, but then it just made me sad, sad that someone can feel that way. Rejection can follow a person for their entire life. It’s one of the major strongholds the devil uses to hold good people down. It’s the biggest lie ever told, but somehow the easiest to believe. I often feel hypocritical. I’ll encounter someone with obvious problems or a personality that is hard to deal with, and I’ll make my judgement on them. Even if I realize they have experienced difficulty and trial in their life I may be quick to think, “no excuses!” I’m guilty of not giving them a single ounce of grace. It’s easy to forget that people’s past experiences and past relationships can mold their future decisions. It’s not intentional, at least not by most. But it happens. I made many relationship decisions based on my past issues with rejection, seeking love and approval at any cost, and despite the consequences. Rejection tells you that you’re not good enough. It tells you how much other people are better than you, causing you to push people away, making you isolated and alone. Somehow you seek approval, but pull back from anything real, fearing further hurt. Your class clown is often from a broken home. Not always, but often the comedian types are being funny to shield the pain. I had a friend in college who when I was extra jovial would ask, “what’s wrong?” He got it. Your attention seekers have often suffered rejection. Beat me, bore me, just don’t ignore me type of thing. I remember going to a new elementary school. I had switched schools like a billion times. I was eager to make friends, so within five minutes of being there I told everyone I was epileptic. I wanted attention however I could get it. They ended up just thinking I was weird. The rejected ones often end up being the outcast. Then it’s just a vicious cycle.
I think where people can get it wrong is when they think that a life of rejection and the aftermath is their lot. They think these are the cards they’ve been dealt and nothing can be done. They can get a victim mentality and become stagnant in life, pushing others away, and partaking in negative means of self-gratification that end up leaving them feeling empty and used. At this point they may end up feeling like there’s no way out of the mess they’ve created. Can you see how the lies of rejection just build upon one another?
I believe there is One who can pull someone out of the jaws of rejection. I believe The Lord can save the broken, mend their lives, and restore them.
Isaiah 61:33 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor.
Rejection is very stubborn. It requires continued healing once it had begun, and even then the devil will try to find a kink in your armor. I shouldn’t be in this Bible study. None of these women have done the things I’ve done! or even God can’t use me. I should just stop writing. I don’t have what it takes.
It’s an ongoing battle, but one The Lord can win. He is faithful to heal those crushed by man.
Psalm 34:18 ESV
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
If you have been hurt by your past, I want you to know there’s healing for you.
If you know someone who has been hurt, try to give them an extra measure of grace. This is hard for them. And though it may be hard for you too, be hopeful. God is faithful. Pray for them.
I hold this subject, rejection, close to my heart. I feel that God has healed me, for the most part (I’m so human!), and I’ve even written a book on the subject. God willing and finances forth-coming, maybe I’ll publish it one day. Thanks for reading. Feel free to share or comment.
I like this quote because it’s a reminder that it’s never too late to turn things around, and that God can work miracles from any mistake I made in my past.
Chasity says
Other than prompting my own painful memories of rejection and reaffirming my gratitude for a faithful heart-healing Heavenly Father, you made me think that in the same way we give grace to others, we should allow ourselves a portion of grace, as well.
I look forward to the opportunity to buy and read your book. Stay encouraged, and keep writing.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much my friend. You are right. Sometimes giving yourself grace is the hardest part. I am trying to stay positive. Thanks again.
Ashley says
Been there I recall writing about my own Dad just wanting to know why he thought it was ok not to be there as an adolescent and while insisting it didn’t bother me, that I just was curious, knowing deep down it did. Reacted the same way- I mostly kept relations rather superficial Bc then I could rationalize that they didn’t mean anything anyway, pushed back any that seemed real, I often wonder what would have happened if I’d been “real” w my friends more so than I ever allowed myself to be but what’s done is done and I can only be grateful for those that stuck it out to befriend me no matter how dull no matter how difficult no matter that I was not nearly as good a friend in return.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for sharing. So many are affected by things like this. It’s good that you’re able to see where it limited you in the past, and persevere for better relationships in the future. God puts people in our path to show us His love and I’m so glad He does. Hang in there.
JaxonB says
Wow. I REALLY needed this read and I would LOVE to proofread your book. These comments are so dead on and aside from the personal stories I would say you’re in my head. SO many life decisions that I’ve made have been based upon rejection or the fear thereof. “Don’t like me as I am, then I’ll adapt, I’ll mold myself into something different, something more appealing….athletics, music, fitness, comedy….like me, like me, like me…” So often I’ve thought to myself, who am I exactly and how have I become so lost in all these character roles? God saw fit not to grant me the blessing/curse of being an actor because I would be that individual who would breakdown and not be able to pull myself out of a role. It’s so easy to get lost in ones on self. Wow. Sorry for the tangent but thank you so very much for this.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
I’m blessed that it spoke to your heart. That is all I ever desire out of my writing, that God may use something I’ve said to speak to someone.
I think most people are people pleasers to one degree or another. As much as we try not to care, the feelings of others impact us, shape us, mold us, hold us back. Thankfully God is a God of healing and renewal.