- It’s quite easy to fall into the trap of anger and negative reciprocal treatment where one unkind or not well thought through action leads to another and so forth until you reach a volatile place in an argument or realize you’re the recipient of the silent treatment, and you wonder, how did we get here? Here’s an example:
Susie Homemaker has her husband home for the day, and is excited to use the time to take a shower while he is present to watch the children and insure they don’t kill one another. She makes it easier for him by rocking the baby to sleep. She places the sleeping infant in the crib and goes to a blessed and eagerly awaited shower alone. While enjoying herself in the bathroom her husband and preschooler are playing together in the living room. When she steps out of the shower, and prepares to leisurely perform much needed beauty rituals, she notices the escalating volume of living room play. Within minutes she hears the baby cry. She states rather loudly, “She’ll be in a bad mood if she doesn’t nap longer than that!” Then she retrieves the crying infant and takes her back to the rocker. She closes the bedroom door with her foot and winces immediately, realizing the door closed much more forcefully than she intended. I wasn’t trying to slam the door she thinks to herself, and almost opens it back up to announce that thought to her spouse. But the baby must go back to sleep, so she doesn’t. As she easily rocks her infant back to dreamland, she hears something unexpected. Directly across the room from her, the bathroom door slams! She realizes immediately that the slamming door is a reaction to her own unintended action. But I didn’t mean to do it! she thinks to herself in frustration. - The above woman may not realize it, but she is at a crossroads of her relationship. No, it’s not a major crossroads decision, one that will make or break a marriage, but it’s a moment of decision none the less. And the smallest moments, the decisions that seem so insignificant, these decisions will add together over the course of years with the same person. They will stack upon one another and assist a relationship in its stability. Will it lean under the pressure of another argument, unreleased angst piling upon itself, or will it water the maturing garden of understanding and patience that has been planted? Every relationship is a mirror image of what you put into it. If you put time, selfless love, and infinite understanding, then that is what you’ll yield. Actions are reciprocated. You can see this is true in any relationship. I see it in working relationships. You can watch someone have a bad attitude with their superiors and it usually doesn’t get them where they want to be. Everyone has heard the phrase you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. While this is true, it’s so much more than that. It comes down to respect, and behavior that builds up rather than tears down, displaying words and actions that you would want in return. That’s usually why arguments escalate before they are resolved, if they’re resolved period. Anger, distrust, a condescending or hateful word of blame, these only inspire that same behavior in the other person. This happens automatically because it’s a protective impulse. Those words hurt me, so I’m going to say something that hurts even worse! Sadly, once words are spoken, they cannot be taken back. You can apologize, but usually only the good Lord above is capable of completing forgetting the worst in us. You can even see this play out with children. When they have negative behavior and you respond with another negative, such as out of control screaming, it doesn’t bode well for either of you. Screaming at a child for crying only makes them cry harder. This is something I’m still learning. Using a calm, caring approach diffuses a toddler tantrum quicker than any head-spinning, come-apart from Mom could ever do. Now I’m not implying you should talk to your spouse like they’re a tantrum-throwing toddler (even though that makes me smirk a bit), and definitely not your boss (even if I’ve had a few I thought were pretty childish), but every relationship deserves our best. It deserves an approach that we would wish for ourselves. Or think of it this way: treat a relationship like you would want your child’s future spouse to treat them. Treat it with care. Relationships are so fragile, and such a priceless treasure. Do they deserve any less?
- Back to our wet-haired, but not hot-headed momma, she made a decision. Initially, yes, she was a little, maybe a lot, angered by her spouse’s reaction. She had not wanted to start a fight, and was hurt that he seemed like he did. She wanted to lash out, question his motives, or worse, make him feel guilty. In the end she did none of those things. She put herself in his shoes, realizing his action was a impulse reaction, and knew further reciprocated anger would solve nothing. Did she ask him why he slammed the door? No. It wasn’t important. She didn’t even mention it at all. Sometimes, when a lifetime is on the line, you just let some things go. It’s that old saying, pick your battles. It’s like that. After she put the baby back down, she walked into the room and said, “I wanted you to know I’m sorry if it sounded like I slammed the door earlier. I didn’t. I closed it with my foot, and it shut louder than I intended. I just wanted you to know.”
And that was that. There was no argument, and a wonderful day was had. It could have been an argument. It could have caused a landslide of ill feelings that poisoned the whole day. It could have occurred in front of the children, causing them to wonder about Mommy and Daddy’s feelings for each other, and even possibly formed future opinions for them on how relationships should be between spouses. Think of an argument, a silly one, you had with your spouse. Would you want anyone, especially your children, to think that’s the way things should be? Relationships are what you make them. They’re what you put into them, not just sometimes, but all the time, every day. Let it always be what you would wish in return. Enjoy the fruit of your labor.
Psalm 128:2
You will eat the fruit of your labor;
blessings and prosperity will be yours.
That is all 🙂