- This morning when my alarm went off I was pulled from a very vivid dream. In my dream I was in bootcamp again, but it was not exactly as I remember. My dreams often possess the qualities of strangeness that so often punctuate most sleep stories. I am surprised I didn’t see a purple unicorn running about. While it was odd and unrealistic, it was surprisingly believable and had a feeling of actuality to it that made me feel weird when I woke up, as if I should be taking something from it. In my return to bootcamp there were some major differences from my first time around. It was kind of like a series of Survivor. We weren’t being ruled over by authority dictating our every move, but were rather given free reign to go as we pleased. At one point we were tasked to collect items we would need in a survival situation. They had given us funds, but no particular list of what we should get. We just needed to buy what we felt was appropriate. In my uncontrollable dream state I thought it was prudent to purchase things like Tic-Tacs (the mint) and an inflatable beach ball. I remember being so frustrated with myself. I was thinking, You’ve been here before. You’ve done this. You should know better than anyone here what you need in this situation. What are you doing?! I awoke rather frustrated at myself, wondering why I didn’t buy even a single item of food, or any way to protect myself.
- My twenties were a tumultuous time in my life. I suppose it could have been worse. I wasn’t strung out on heroin or supporting that habit by prostitution or anything. (If a former or current heroin-addicted prostitute is reading this, I apologize for stereotyping your life as an example). It could definitely have been worse, but looking back on it, I know it could have been so much better. I almost feel like I wasted time, but then I remember that surely I learned something valuable from it all. I think I did anyway. But back to the point, I wasn’t living my life to its fullest potential by any means at that time. It’s a shame because I knew better. Like so many out there, I was aware of the satisfying life I could have, but felt compelled to do things on my own. Have you ever had a job where you’re not getting promoted or things just don’t seem absolutely fabulous at the time so you decide to leave? You decide to go to another job. You’re sure it will be better, but 6 months, a year later maybe, you wake up and say, “What was I thinking? I had the perfect job!” I guess I was kind of like that. I had experienced the joy of living my life for God, but I got discouraged at how it was going. I didn’t think things were moving fast enough or in the direction I thought they should. In my arrogance I assumed I could do it better, and once you step off path it seems really hard to get back on track. It’s not really, I suppose. It just seems that way. In a self-gratifying manner that is so common with the human race, especially a westernized culture, we want immediate results. We don’t want to wait. We don’t want to be still. We want our order of Christianity from the Burger King drive-thru (my way, right away).
- When I was a missionary I learned of something called “unreached people groups.” These are people who have never had the opportunity to hear of Jesus. This is naturally a sought after group for missionary types. I was never drawn there personally. I was more interested in the people who knew, the people who knew of God’s grace, but chose to turn away. That was where I felt led. Little did I know at the time that I would later become that person. When I thought about my dream this morning, I thought about sin. Turning from God’s will for my life, and doing things my own way was like my dream. I knew what I needed to be the best prepared for life. I had been trained, and I had lived it, but for some reason I decided to go against all that and try it a different way. Living life for the world, against God’s will doesn’t adequately prepare you for what’s ahead. It’s like buying breath mints and beach balls for a survival scenario. Just like in my dream, I knew I was being ridiculous. I knew what I was doing wouldn’t work. It’s like I was going against my character, against what I knew was the answer.
1 John 3:9
No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God’s seed remains in him; he cannot go on sinning, because he has been born of God.
I never forget the parable of the Prodigal Son, how the Father welcomes his son home, how he was dead, but came back to life, how he was lost, but then he was found. I love that, and am grateful God welcomed me back and forgave me, even as I tried to squander my inheritance.
Always remember, it’s never too late to come home. Always be in prayer and be mindful that you haven’t started doing things your own way, purchasing useless items that serve no purpose in God’s will for your life.
That is all 🙂