I found myself feeling rather odd. I smiled at my tiny, fragile daughter, and I patted her head as I walked past her in the kitchen.
Everything is ok. God’s got this!
That’s what I told myself, and I really believed it was true. Yet…
I still felt like I wanted to cry. I thought about how whenever she experienced a little tummy bug or other illness how her lips would become frighteningly blue, her skin pale, and I would worry about her losing a pound. After all, she didn’t have much to lose!
There it was again, that feeling of emotion wanting to take me over. It crept up from my chest, into my throat, and sat there like a hard lump. I believed God was in control. I believed in healing, and I believed in miracles. But above all I trusted Him in every aspect of my life no matter what. Even in the case of my daughter having a potential, serious heart problem.
And there it was again. The feeling like I might cry. It was only worsened when I reached out to friends and family for prayer.
Weren’t you supposed to feel better when you asked for prayer?
And there it was when I heard my phone chime an incoming text. I knew it was him. I knew it was about that. I knew my husband that well. Yet even as his words gave me strength, support, and comfort I still wanted to cry.
I don’t want you to be worried she is going to be ok. God knew about this before she was born and He has a purpose for her life. He has never not come to our rescue 😊 God is good and everything He has made and does is Good. I love you baby 😘 I’ll see you tonight.
As I searched the internet I especially felt the hot tears press against my eyes, begging to be released. I read the symptoms of congenital heart disease and murmurs, and I asked myself, “why in the world would you go to Google for this?!”
So I exited out of sites like WebMD, and I entered into the Bible app instead. But as I read the scriptures and truths of how He held us in His hand I still wanted to cry.
I was worried, yes. Even as I cast my anxieties on Him.
I was concerned about my daughter, even as I praised Him in thanksgiving for the many healing miracles I had witnessed in my time.
I was emotional even as I believed that yes, God’s indeed got this! I knew He had it, but I still wanted to cry a little. I figured my Father in Heaven understood that.
She was His too, you know. He knew her before He formed her, and although my mind was overcome with the plans He had for me as her mom, I could rest a little easier that He had plans for her too. He always had a way of turning things out for our good.
Friday we’ll go for an echo of my precious, little star, and I trust Jesus for the outcome. I might just cry a little between now and then, though; yet my God is faithful to wipe away my tears. I reckon it’s ok to cry when you let your Dad count them and put them in a bottle, and when His shoulder is the one on which you weep.
Psalm 121:3-8 ESV
He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life. …
Psalm 91:1-16 ESV
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. You will not fear the terror of the night, nor the arrow that flies by day, …