Do you ever find yourself falling off the cliff of day-to-day life? Like, you’re hanging onto the eroding edge by a sliver of poorly-maintained fingernail, and you know you’re gonna drop into full, fly-off-the-handle mode? You know you’re close to meltdown, and you’re trying to talk yourself off the edge, but it seems like the universe is in opposition to your desires to remain cool, calm, and collected.
That’s me some days.
That’s me today.
So, it’s totally first world problems I find myself fretting over, and really that’s probably the case nine times out of ten. My logical brain, or perhaps the good angel sitting on my shoulder, says, don’t sweat the small stuff, Brie. You are blessed. Calm down.
But then the antsy, anxious side of my brain, with the cartoon devil sitting on my shoulder, says, hurry up. You gotta finish everything, but of course, there isn’t enough time!
This is the part of me that thinks I can’t tell people no. It’s the part that wants everything practically perfect in every way, with all my ducks in a row, but then reacts like a bull in a China shop when something falls out of line. It’s like my Mary Poppins persona starts getting an eye twitch, or perhaps it’s akin to those Snicker commercials. After all, I’m not myself when I realize I am less than absolutely marvelous. Oh, me.
So today I found myself less than thirty six hours from a grownup getaway with some ladies I work with, and I realized I had only about a billion things left to do. And I know Jesus keeps whispering to me outta Matthew that I can move mountains, but Lord, I find it darn impossible today. I reckon cause I was trying to move them on my own.
My bag wasn’t packed, but I wanted to spend quality time with my children who wouldn’t be going with me. I had a mound of laundry to put away (because I have this crazy thing that before I go somewhere the house must be spotless), yet I also had prior obligations to friends and coworkers. I felt overwhelmed by my to-do list, overweight for my swimsuit, and overdue for a mental breakdown. And the realization that my anger and anxiety were about having too much awesome in my amazing life, that made me feel like a big, fat loser! So why did I still want to yell about everything?!
If having three children in six years has taught me anything, it’s that I know nothing. It’s that I am utterly human, fragile to the point of ridiculousness, and an absolute failure most days. Sadly my kids are sometimes witness to my crazy, but I suppose it helps them learn a little about grace to know that even Mommy doesn’t have her act together. When I realize I’m upset over slow Wifi, a refrigerator that needs cleaning out, or too much laundry, I understand I really do have my priorities mixed up. Those are actually things of blessing! I’m reminded that, as always, I’m a work in progress. Trying to see life with eyes like Jesus isn’t always easy when your sight is clouded by the worries of this world, but I am glad that I can see it after the fact rather than not at all.
As I stood in the hallway today overcome by how silly and temperamental I could be about the things that didn’t really matter, I decided to embrace the things that did. I went into the living room and I called my girls to me. I hugged them deeply and hard. I breathed in the calmness of their love for me even when I’m less than my best. I felt better after that.
Some days I guess you just gotta embrace the chaos.
*I share my struggles in the hopes it helps someone feel less alone. Mentionable of this post: I don’t believe in “a universe against me,” but I do believe in a God who controls it all. Sometimes you just feel like the universe is against you, right? Also, I don’t believe an angel and devil sit on my shoulders like the old cartoons, but I do believe in spiritual attacks and influence not of God. Just thought I’d add this. Thanks y’all.