When I first got married I certainly didn’t imagine it would end in divorce. I mean, I didn’t stand at the altar exchanging my vows before the priest with the thought creeping in the back of my mind, well, if it doesn’t work out at least I got that cool coffee maker.
Being the product of divorce as a child, and then later seeing my mom function in a supremely happy marriage I knew one thing for certain. I was going to do it one time, and one time only!
Fast forward thirteen years later and I’m one of the statistics. I’m a divorced woman, and though I never dreamed it would happen to me, and even as I didn’t want it to be so, there it is.
Now I find myself in a beautiful marriage, with a man I adore, yet I realize I’m still haunted by the stigma of my past marriage’s failure. I’ll be trucking along in my perfect (to me) life, with nary a thought of my prior relationships, when suddenly I am confronted with reminders of who I used to be.
A letter in the mail addressed to my former name, or a piece of jewelry found in the bottom of my jewelry box, one that I was certain I had gotten rid of so as to keep memories of failure away.
When pulling out Christmas decorations I might see an ornament we purchased together, and my first thought is to throw it quickly into the trash. I think, I must toss these foul reminders of a broken life away lest they infect my current, happy home!
I never planned on being a divorced woman, and I never pictured my marriage would fail. And in my regret over poorly made decisions, and the things I could not, nor can now change, I realize I carry a distaste for all reminders of who I used to be.
I’m not sure when I began to hate my ex, or even why. But memories of my failed marriage needed to be buried at all costs. I had asked God for forgiveness of my broken covenant, and I had turned my life around. So why was I so ashamed?
Why was I ashamed that I had failed, that I was divorced?
As I stood over my kitchen table, slightly shaken over one of those nuisance reminders of my former life, I felt God speak to my heart.
Don’t live in regret for your past mistakes. Learn from them.
Use them to become a better wife now.
Don’t hate your past. Let it transform you into who I want you to be.
I am bigger than any mistake you have made before. And only I can move your life forward.
Being divorced doesn’t make me a sinner. Being human does. I have sinned more than I can count, or care to admit. I have been a liar, cheater, drunkard, and guilty of any carnal sin you can think of off the top of your head. I have lusted, coveted, and ran from God full speed. Being divorced doesn’t make me a sinner. I just am. But I’m also forgiven.
I have a repentful heart, a heart eager to love Jesus, and fulfill His will for my life. I have a desire to be a good wife, and to carry through in my marriage relationship in a way that is pleasing to Him.
I never planned to be divorced, but I did. Now I must move forward with what God has for me and my current spouse, and I cannot be weighed down by regret of my past failures.
I cannot allow my past to rule me, but I must learn from it. I cannot hate my past, nor the people who reside there. I must forgive others, and also forgive myself. This is what God wants for me.
Did God want to see me divorce? No, I don’t think so. But I also know I wasn’t in His will as I sought my past relationships. The scars left behind are deep, yet God is a healer of my soul.
And though God doesn’t favor divorce, He does favor forgiveness. He has forgiven me, and now I must walk in that.