When I’ve finally arrived to that quiet moment in the late evenings when children fall asleep I have a mixture of emotions. As I sit in the dark rocking a baby, feeling the mixture of sweat and drool collecting in the crook of my arm, I look at that angelic sleeping face, and I can’t believe I made it here to the end.
On one hand I’m so grateful for that sweaty, snoring bundle, and I think, how did I enjoy life before this?!
On the other hand I’m just happy the day ended with me not strangling anyone, and I wince with memories of raised voices and hastily uttered prayers to God above to give me the patience not to say too many curse words out loud.
In the dark I pray to do better tomorrow, and I’m astonished at how my life has changed. How I have changed. Things that were once important have been moved to the back burner with all the remnants of burnt food left behind, and what’s left is a struggling woman just trying to make it to bedtime without having to take someone to the Emergency Room.
Parenthood has rocked my universe! Sometimes most times I feel like I am failing miserably. Here’s eight ways being a Mom has made me feel like a loser. Just this past week.
1. I can’t be on time. Like ever. Sigh.
I used to always be early. Pre-kids that is. My personal motto was “to be early is to be on time.” I thought people who were late were so rude and disrespectful. I still think that. The thing is now that’s me.
2. I’m useless. What I mean is, I have zero energy. I am currently having an affair with Mr. Coffee, but to no avail. I’m taking vitamins, and putting B12 under my tongue like it’s the latest craze rave drug. I exercise. Ok, I don’t, but I think about it a lot.
I’m just so tired of being tired. All I want to do is nap.
3. I’m hormonally imbalanced. Serious. OMG! Agghh!!
Within any given day I can cry like a baby and then scream like the NFL’s angriest football coach.
Oh my goodness, look at that puppy wearing a tutu, and kissing an old man! insert tears
I just dropped a dish. Again! insert spinning head like the movie Exorcist
I just realized the dish belonged to my deceased mother. insert hysterical tears
4. I have zero patience. Ok, I have a little. Otherwise I would be in prison already. But it’s nothing like it used to be. What happened?
I used to be so relaxed and easygoing. I’m assuming patience is stored in your uterus and is transferred to the placenta because every time I deliver I lose a little bit more.
5. I’m stupid. Seriously, I feel like an idiot most days. I’m so forgetful, and young children are so eager to point out your inadequacies.
I’ve always considered myself pretty intelligent, but then I became a mother and that went out the window. I have decided that aside from housing my patience, my placenta also holds my memory. It is gone too. I’m sorry, what were we talking about?
6. I’m a slob. I used to be so put together. insert tears over the loss of my former self
Once upon a time I wore black with no fear of boogers. White pants were a cinch with no worries of sitting on discarded food. I didn’t have to wash a shirt every time I wore it. Only if it got a stain. Which rarely happened!
I had time to fix my hair, fix my makeup, and pick out a complementary outfit. I even had time to shave. All the way.
Now I am frumpy. My kids look amazing. I’m rocking a ponytail. They’re wearing matching bows. I have on stained yoga pants. They are wearing the cutest outfits ever!
We won’t even go into the stretch marks and droopy boobies. I’ll start crying again. Or probably not. I’ve resigned myself to the fact I now have a mom butt.
7. I’m crazy. I’m certifiable, loony, momma needs meds kinda crazy.
I’ve always been peculiar, but nothing makes you question your sanity like parenthood.
I love my children more than life.
I want to throttle them.
This mothering thing is the greatest thing ever. I was made for this.
“Oh my gosh! Leave me alone! Go outside. For a week.”
How can something be so wonderful, and yet so exasperating? Am I crazy?
8. I am a failure. Well, that’s how I feel anyway, and I guess that’s where that thought I’m a loser comes from.
Parenting is hard, and the cost of messing up is huge. The thing is I love them so much, and the thought of not giving them my absolute best makes me feel like I miss the mark, fall short, and in essence fail.
It’s that thought that comes to mind when it gets quiet. I wonder, did I do my best today, or could I have done better? I’m always glad there’s tomorrow, but I know one day the tomorrows will lessen. There’s only so many days to do this right, and being my own worst enemy I assume I screwed up royally.
That’s what I see. I see the raised voices and loads of wet laundry forgotten in the washer once again. Sometimes I forget the happy smiles and hugs accompanied by an unprompted, “I love you so much Momma.”
So maybe I am a little crazy, and I need to work on my patience, but I can take solace that they know I love them, and they never doubt it for a moment.
Some days I will feel like an emotional wreck, a snot-stained slob, and an absolute loser, but then I can remember all that I have gained. I can cry happy tears and wipe them with an over-sized sweatshirt while I hold babies instead of leaving precisely on time.