I recently had a situation occur that came close to shaking me a bit. It came up unexpectedly and took me off guard. I was initially bothered, but recovered quickly. Thank The Lord. But it caused me to reflect on things, and I decided to share.
The Bio Dad
I remember after my mom died being in a fog. I think we all were. The loss of someone you hold dear is like receiving an electric shock. The jolt of grief leaves you feeling discombobulated, like a stranger in your own body, there, but separate, disconnected from your emotions temporarily so that you don’t smother under the pain.
I was still under that fuzzy veil when I decided to call him. Like an out of body experience I somehow located his number. I cannot to this day even remember how I tracked him down. He had always been a wanderer, making a correct address or phone number near impossible to keep the same over time.
Regardless I did get a hold of him. When my biological father answered the phone I was transported back in time. Although we hadn’t spoken in a decade or more his voice still sounded the same. At the sound of it my heart somehow raced but seemed to steady out all at once. I thought telling him would somehow help. I wanted to tell him. I needed to tell him. I needed him to help ease my pain.
“Momma’s dead.” The words fell out of me like a lead weight.
I’m not sure what I expected from this conversation with a father who had given me away. I had been blessed with a dad, my adoptive daddy, who loved me, who chose me, yet I wanted the comfort of a man who rejected me. In my raw pain I yearned for approval and love from a man incapable of giving that to me.
He was silent for a minute, as if taking the time to articulate the perfect response for his deserted daughter. Then he spoke. “Shit Brie. That sucks.”
The First Break-up
I was reminded of my first long-term relationship as a young girl. It was a whopping three months long. I had a few little boyfriends prior to this one, but none that had lasted that long, or that would ultimately leave me feeling dumped. See, I had chosen to break off the prior relationships (if you can call a school-girl crush such a thing), and that apparently made a difference.
I had in fact decided to break off this one as well. Three months had been long enough! I remember riding in his blue cavalier and trying to decide what I could say, how I could explain to him that it was over for me. But before I could formulate a plan he beat me to the punch!
He broke up with me using the old “it’s not you, it’s me.” Hey, wait a second! I was going to use that! But it wasn’t him. And it wasn’t me. It was another girl. So for my adolescent self-esteem, it was me. There was obviously something wrong with me if he preferred another girl. And this miraculously changed my opinion of him. I forgot all about wanting to break-up. I just wanted to be together again. Because then it wouldn’t be over because of me, because I wasn’t what he wanted.
After the Divorce
Divorce is hard. That’s no big secret. What you don’t always know is that it’s a lengthy mourning. Or rather it takes a really long time to get over the hurt, especially if you were the rejected party.
I can recall being at a point where I felt like I had definitely moved on, moved past the pain of my divorce. I had spent a lot of time in prayer. I had moved on to another relationship. I was not only in love with a wonderful man who treated me like a queen, treated me better than I had ever been treated in fact, but I had married this gem. We were incredibly happy, like fairy tale happy. We had a beautiful baby girl. My life was perfect!
Then I saw a picture of my ex-husband’s fiancé. Oh dear. She was beautiful y’all, like really, really pretty. I was transported back in time to him sitting on the couch and telling me he wasn’t happy being married, that he didn’t want to be married anymore. It hit me that it wasn’t that he didn’t want to be married. He just didn’t want to be married to me. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to be a husband. He just didn’t want to be mine. It hit me alright. Hard.
It bothered me that it bothered me! I was so happy, so complete. I felt like it was an injustice to my current husband to feel the hurt I felt over a relationship that was ended, and in essence should be in the past.
With all these relationships and so many others in my life I was allowing someone else’s opinion of me to affect my happiness. If I was wanted, then that felt good. When I wasn’t, that felt bad. Very bad.
I realized I was dependent on man to make me happy. I was basing my worth on man’s view. You know the reason this doesn’t work? Too often, most of the time in fact, man will let you down.
I had to relearn how to build my confidence. It wasn’t based on my earthly relationships. It was founded on my Holy one. It was founded there and naturally had to be built on that foundation. Only there could it stand strongly and not fall apart when the winds of rejection blew. It didn’t matter that I had an amazing husband by my side. If I couldn’t see myself through Christ’s eyes then I would never be the wife I needed to be, nor would I find true happiness in any relationship.
True happiness is built on a solid foundation of who you are in Jesus. Reread that last sentence. We all need to remember that.
I recently discovered my ex-husband and his wife were expecting a child. I’ll be honest guys. You know that’s the only way I know to be. I took it personally for a minute. But only for a minute.
At first my thoughts were driven by past rejection, man’s views, and in essence, the lies those things try to needle into your brain. They said, He said he didn’t want children! But he just didn’t want them with you.
I was at a thought crossroads. I could dwell on that path, or I could go forward in the truth of my life, my character, my worth according to Christ.
This voice of truth would say, “You’re a great mom. You have two beautiful girls I chose just for you to take care of for me. Their father, your husband, loves you so much. This is my will for you.”
When you listen to truth there is peace. The truth is very palatable, where as lies leave a bitter flavor, one that stays with you and ends up making everything taste bad.
I’ve thankfully discovered that as I face my life relying on God and choosing to listen to His truth that I am happier and more fulfilled. If your thoughts are driven by past pain and anything other than the truth of God’s view of you then you will be left wanting in life. You’ll be left hurting. But if you choose to see with His eyes then you can be full, be happy, and move forward in His will for your life.