- So, interestingly enough, my infant has awoken the past 3 nights at 3 am, inconsolable for 3 straight hrs. Well, that’s not really interesting, just aggravating. The interesting part is that she entered this world at 3 am. The first two nights, 3 am coincided with feeding time. Last night she ate at 2 am and fell asleep easily and deeply. But then she woke out of nowhere at 3 am. So, of course, this morning I was racking my brain trying to find out what I’m doing or not doing that’s causing this early waking. She is a little angel during the day that refuses to cry except when I change her diaper, but stops immediately when cuddled. Gas drops don’t seem effective. I tried to think of what in my diet might be upsetting her little tummy. I don’t care how many books I reference from my home library or how extensive my Internet research. I may just not find a solid answer and/or solution. Colic without a specific cause? Possibly. Once again, this may be something out of my control that I will just have to pray about and hand over to God. Stay tuned.
- Ben took Chloe with him to an appt. this morning so I could sleep in with Bailey after our eventful early morning. He called on his way home to see if I wanted Chloe dropped off at her Nonnie’s house. I declined. She was very excited I did and I could see it on her face when she ran into the house and enveloped me with an excited hug. Her adjustment is still a work in progress. After the hug, she grabbed at my boobies and said they were hers! Then she lay on the bed fake crying and said, “I’m a baby.” For the past 2 days she’s been saying “I’m cold.” I couldn’t understand that one since she’s normally so hot natured. Finally got it this morning when she said it again then covered up with one of Bailey’s blankets. She’s been watching us swaddle Bailey. So she wants to “be cold” and get covered up too. She’s extremely hyper, but thankfully Bailey is very easy to care for, allowing me plenty of time to feed, bathe, and just play with Chloe. Bailey finds it easy to sleep through loud noise, which is a blessing. Telling Chloe to keep it down, is pointless. Stay tuned.
- I’ve been dealing a lot over the past few weeks with two things, doubt and hope. I am in a season where things seem to be just out of reach. I find fear wanting to grip me when situations are out of my control. I find myself worrying if they will work out like they’re supposed to. Just when I think I may feel the need to crumble under the strain of my doubt and worry, I am miraculously lifted up. Hope floods me and trust takes over. There seems to be just enough provision just when we need it. So often you can become consumed with how things aren’t working out like you want. When you do this, your eyes are closed to the many little things that are working out perfectly in your favor. It’s a work in progress, like so many things in life. I think God gives us desires. I think He is faithful to deliver those dreams and desires. I think He knows the best way and time to make those come to life. I think we all forget that. I think He forgives us for doubting Him and forgetting His faithfulness. I sure am glad! I’ll keep trying. Stay tuned.
That is all 🙂
- Today it was decided that I could use some help. I say decided because I sometimes think I can handle anything, but luckily the sweet people who love me, keep me in check. Ben went back to work today and my Mother-in-Law offered for Chloe to spend the day at her house. This may not seem like a big deal to some, but for me, it is. See, I never have anyone watch Chloe unless I’m at work or I believe a grand total of 3 times in the past two years when Ben and I took a date night. We just enjoy having her around. That being said, it is so odd feeling to not have her around today. I admit, it’s very nice to care for Bailey without the added stress of caring for a toddler, but I really miss her. She’s my little buddy. My sister stopped by earlier and asked how Chloe was doing, and I started crying. I’m about to cry now! This is a work in process people. Pray for/with me.
- Isn’t it funny how you think that everything your baby does is cute? Bailey is really starting to become more alert. This morning she was just staring at me and her head would roll over to the side like she was drunk, then it would roll back and she would look at me like “hey, I know you.” My little milk intoxicated munchkin with her infant acne is just plain adorable! I was feeding her earlier and she stopped nursing for a second, furrowed her brow, grunted, and hiked her leg up. This was followed by a wet fart noise from her diaper. Ben said “Ahh, that’s so sweet.” Those startle responses when you realize you just scared the crap out of your kid, elicit another “Ahhh!” A fly on the wall would think that’s her name.
- My husband came home from work for his lunch break today and he had a Mohawk. Yes, you heard me correctly. Out of all the responses that went through my head, the one that came out of my mouth was, “we’ll, don’t you look handsome!” Then I kissed him. As he left later on, I realized I had meant what I said. I love that my husband can be such a kid at heart and keep me in stitches with his immature humor, but then make decisions and actions for our family that reflect that of a man with years of experience beyond his own. We play together, we pray together, we raise a family together. I know he can’t understand some of my emotional reactions due to hormones, but the fact that he tries makes me love him all the more. I, in turn, try my best to curb any negative emotional reactions to him. It’s a two way street, and I’m really enjoying the ride.
That is all 🙂
- Bring on the irrational, erratic mood swings ladies and gentleman. It’s not too bad so far, but like the cold front that came in, I know it’s coming. Subtle signs abound. There’s a great new show on A&E called Panic 911. Reminds me of the old Rescue 911, but juicier. Can’t watch it. I tried last night. I kept getting choked up over those poor people’s circumstances. Last night I bawled because I was afraid that my two year old thinks I don’t love her anymore. Meanwhile, she’s in the other room watching Dora and eating fruit snacks, completely content. Enter weird dreams. I dreamed this morning that I had taken Bailey home, but for some reason I lived in the old neighborhood in Guntown where I lived for 6 months in 3rd grade. My sister came over and I fixed dinner; had one of those freezer bags you steam in the microwave. When it beeped done, I was horrified to see I had cooked fetal kittens with the placenta still attached. Yep, it’s gonna be a wild ride. Stayed tuned for the sequel to One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest.
- It’s certainly challenging having Chloe and Bailey. Bailey is demanding so much of my attention and energy and time. Ben has really stepped in and become Chloe’s bestest buddy, but it’s still hard for her. She woke from her nap and cried for Momma. I was of course nursing Bailey who was finally asleep. Every time I’m nursing Bailey, Chloe comes to me and says in this pitiful voice “hold me!” It doesn’t help my mood any that when I do hold her after holding the baby, that she now seems huge to me! Where did my little baby Chloe go?! Last night she came into the bedroom and asked me to come watch TV with her. I told her I felt like laying in bed. So, she asked me again, more persistently. Then she said “Momma, I’m hurting. Please come watch TV with me!” You know I did. Then I rocked her. My plan was to rock her to sleep while Bailey slept. Just as Chloe’s eyes were closing, Bailey began to cry. I didn’t jump right up, even though I wanted to. Instead I looked at Chloe’s wide eyes and gave her a big smile and kiss. She said “I wanna go see why the baby’s crying.” I said ok and let her down. Then she said, “Come on Momma. Come see why the baby’s crying.” I think we’re gonna be ok. It’s an adjustment for sure, but the blessings outweigh the challenges.
- Well, we made it through our first night at home. As I was nursing and rocking Bailey before bedtime, I thought, “This isn’t so hard the 2nd time around.” I had her swaddled, something I hadn’t really done with Chloe, though mostly because I couldn’t get the hang of it. I had gotten her to take a pacifier so she wouldn’t just use my nipple for that (something Chloe was famous for). I had already given gas drops at the earliest sign of stomach upset (something I picked up later on with Chloe). I was ahead of the game! Can you predict what happened? Got my daily dose of humility! She awoke for her 3 am feeding and would not go back to sleep! The nursing session didn’t seem to satisfy her. She kept rooting around with an open mouth that wouldn’t latch. She screamed, sometimes like a pterodactyl. I didn’t know what was wrong and just tried everything. A newborn’s cry can be the sweetest sound on earth, but then it can also be the most brain piercing, nails on chalkboard screech there is. Ben took a turn, then I spelled him. Thank God for my partner! At 6 am, she was exhausted and nursed briefly before falling asleep for good. She slept very soundly until 11 am and I had to coax her awake twice during that time to feed her. Looking back this morning, Ben and I agreed that 3 hours of crying wasn’t really that bad. But it certainly seemed that way at the time. He made coffee and we agreed that we’ll all find our rhythm. It will just take time.
That is all 🙂
- It’s always nice to have a moment of reflection, a quiet time to access the situation. Things have been very busy for us the past couple of days, but this morning I was given a beautiful moment in time of absolute stillness. Around 8:30 this morning, having gorged herself on mother’s milk, Bailey was out for the count. Ben and Chloe were silently sawing logs across the way. I imagine my nurses were doing morning charting. As Bailey lay snuggled in her boppy beside me in bed, I looked upon her resting face and felt a peace fall on me like rain. I knew where it came from and was actually really grateful to have this time to tell Him thank you. Whenever we are blessed, we usually remember to say a quick “thank you Jesus!” But it is so nice to be able to set apart an actual chunk of time to truly express thanksgiving for all the little things that weaved together a symphony of perfection for us over this weekend. I never want to be so caught up in my blessings that I forget to count them as such.
- For me as a breastfeeding Mom, the experience contains so many emotions, challenges, and benefits that you could almost base an entire sitcom around it. When they are first born, that immediate skin to skin contact is as memorable as the end of Gone With the Wind. Then you begin the nursing relationship which usually initially starts a little rocky. It’s kinda like a good blind date. You like the way the guy looks and you’re pretty sure it could go somewhere, but in the back of your head you’re like “what if he has a head in his freezer?” Then all the sudden it just clicks with you and baby and you feel like you just won a Gold medal at the Olympics. You walk around proud as a peacock saying “look at me, I can walk around nourishing a tiny human in the crook of my arm while making myself a snack and fixing the broken toy of a toddler!” “I would like to thank the Academy…” Then you decide to remove your little bundle from your bosom and place them in their bassinet only to discover you’ve create a little milk monster! The moment you put them down that little head starts turning to the side, sniffing with open mouth, searching for the lost boob. How can they still be hungry?! Now you feel like the character of Cinderella. You scoop up the screaming little vampire and grab another large ice water to help rehydrate the shell that’s left of you. As you sit down with your bundle and let out a sigh, you see those tiny little lips and smooth, rosy cheeks. A small hand curls it’s perfect fingers around the strap of your nursing bra and you melt completely, like a perfect first romance. Let the story begin.
- We came home today! I am going to be honest. The past year, moving from our larger home into a smaller one, has not always been an easy transition for me. I miss the extra space, but much prefer the extra time a smaller mortgage allows you. My point in saying the above is that today, when I walked into my perfectly cozy little home, I might as well have entered into a dream mansion! Dorothy was so right. There is no place like home. Everyone at the hospital was fantastic and I only have good things to say, but I missed our happy home. I’m sure hospital beds have come a long way, but my back feels like I was on a medieval rack torture device. Ladies, you know it’s bad when your back hurts worse than where the baby exited. The staff was great, but even they couldn’t keep up with my never ending thirst for more ice water!! I think that if we would have stayed another night Chloe would have grown up to be a serial killer or something. The confines of a hospital room to a two year old will certainly drive them crazy. Ben kept trying to figure out how to open the window and that had me a little concerned too. So needless to say, we are home and we are happy. I’m sure there are challenges ahead. You know I’ll tell you all about them in the coming days. Until then, I am so good! That is all 🙂
- As some of you may already know, I had quite the eventful night, last night. We welcomed a beautiful bundle of beyond joy to our precious little family. Bailey Noelle entered this world at 3:05 this morning weighing 8lb 4 oz, 20 in long. After laboring for 13 hrs at home, when I arrived to the hospital, she was ready to join us. It moved very quickly from that point. She emerged with a single push and actually debuted before her Dr. arrived. Quite the eager little lady! Her first cry brought tears to my eyes. As I held her against my chest and nursed her, I knew she was mine, and I was hers. Mother/daughter, bond beyond words.
- Despite the early hour, I was joined by many family members. I am so blessed and feel so loved. My Mother-in-law was present for delivery. She is like a birth mother to me and I was grateful for her presence. My Aunt, my Mom’s sister, was by my side, holding my hand and wetting my brow. She has always taken care of me. My wonderful, loving husband was ever present, brushing my cheek with a tender kiss and telling me how proud he was of me. I was blessed enough to have my own personal doula or birth coach! My sister-in-law was there with her L&D experience to help distract me through the worst of the pain and that was such a wonderful and much needed thing at the time. My sweet little girl was there. She was such a big girl! She also lent some comedic relief to the situation. When they put a ID bracelet on Bailey, she said,”Look, she’s got a watch like me.” Her narrative of how “the Dr pushed Momma’s belly and made the baby come out” is also amusing. Before I left for the hospital, I put on the earrings of my Mother’s that she left for me. I wanted to have a piece of her on, as well as in my heart. I know she was there and proud of me.
- It’s been a great day. I’m very tired working on just a 3 hr nap this morning, but I still feel good overall. Every time I look at Bailey’s sweet face, touch her soft skin, smell her newborn fragrance, hear that sweet smacking sound as she nurses, my energy level presses on. I nursed her, burped her, rocked her to sleep, and put her swaddled perfection down for a nap. Chloe had been waiting, somewhat patiently, for her turn. Daddy’s lap just wouldn’t do. I rocked her to sleep and as I did, I looked over at Bailey and thought “yeah, I can do this!” I felt pretty pleased. Then Bailey woke and cried out. Chloe’s eyes popped open and she said “Baby!” Well, I’m getting there anyway. That is all 🙂
- At 7:50 this morning I began having contractions that were 5 minutes apart. I timed them for about an hour and walked around before I finally woke Ben to let him know it was time. By the time we were getting ready to leave the contractions were stronger and 3 minutes apart, so I felt pretty confident we were doing the right thing. Long story short, I was contracting every 2-4 minutes and had dilated to 3 cm, but my contractions weren’t intense enough to progress things at a steady pace. They suggested I go home! I was stunned. See, I’m a very analytical person. I google everything. I research everything. I have every pregnancy and parenting book around. According to my reading, I thought it was time! Ahh, isn’t it difficult to be humbled, to realize you’re not always right no matter how much you study up on a subject. I can just see God smiling down at me, like I do Chloe when she thinks she knows more than me. Just like Chloe has to realize her Mommy knows more than her, I have to release control of knowing what in the world is going on. Thankfully, He knows exactly when is the best time for Bailey to join us. I’m still contracting every 5 minutes, even as I write this, but I’ve now been humbled to wait until it’s His time, not mine.
- Chloe has been a doll today. She’s been with us all day and taken it all in stride. I’ve seen no tears or tantrums. She knows something is up. Just last night she was stuck to my hip and as I went to the bathroom, Ben told her to stop following me or she would get a spanking. She tried to tiptoe to the door with a little smirk. I said “Don’t make Daddy spank you.” She broke into real tears and wailed “Mommy, I miss you!” Such a sweet little doll I have. She deserves plenty of hugs for being such a big girl today. She’s a big sister in training for sure.
- My dear husband has been so wonderful today. He came over to me a moment ago and placed a tender kiss on my cheek and I could just feel the love radiate off him. He has been so patient, calm, and supportive. He’s helped me put on my shoes and brought me any little thing I ask for. I don’t even grow tired of him asking “How’s it going baby?” Maybe that’s because the contractions are still tolerable! Well, here’s to the beginning of a new journey for us. That is all 🙂
- First, I offer an observation. Many interesting things happen when you become a parent. I could probably just write about those things for the rest of my life. I think this one is definitely worth mentioning, though. When you become a parent, your snack is no longer your own. Follow me, now. When you were a single chick living in the dorm or at your parent’s house, whatever, you got hungry, you made a delectable snack, then you sat down and you ate it, all of it. Oh, the days. No more, I tell you. When you have a child, snack time changes. First, you can never make your snack when you want to. You may think, I would really enjoy a bowl of popcorn right now. But then you look down and realize you’re currently wiping poop off someone’s butt, and it may need to wait. Secondly, the snacks you used to keep in the cabinet, may not be there. You go looking for those lovely baguette chips to dip into some fresh hummus, and when you open the cabinet you are assaulted by the sight of fruit snacks, puffed oats, and box after box of mac and cheese. So finally you settle for a discarded bag of tortilla chips that are really just a bunch of broken pieces. You find a jar of salsa at the back of the fridge with a tiny bit left in it if you shake it upside down really hard. So you bring your pitiful snack into the living room and settle into your favorite chair, ready to get your grub on. Out of nowhere comes these little fingers grabbing a handful of the few remaining whole pieces of chip and they scoop up a monster load of precious dip in mere seconds before you can even say a word. Kids sweep in for your snack like buzzards to roadkill. Perhaps that’s why Mommy’s butts get big, cause they have to wait until kiddos are asleep to savor a late night caloric enjoyment. Keep that in mind Daddies.
This pregnancy has truly amused me in this 3rd trimester. This morning I woke up after a full, 9 hours of sleep. Let me start there. Amazing how on some nights I can’t sleep more than an hour at a time for a total of 4 hours period, then other nights I’m like Rip Van Winkle. When I did wake up this morning and passed by the mirror, I was taken aback by the sight of the swollen woman staring back at me. My eyes looked like I had been a victim of a pepper spray incident. My nose looked like I had either gone a round with Mike Tyson or was an Irish man in his 60’s who enjoyed partaking in the whiskey on a daily basis from the age of 11. Yesterday, I looked fairly normal. I could see my ankles and everything. Some days I feel so much pelvic pressure I begin to wonder if I’ll make it till the end, then the next day I would wake up and feel like I could run a marathon. Granted, now, at this point, I’m feeling the pressure every day and couldn’t run to the front door. It’s just kinda funny how the past 3 months have gone. I really think it’s God’s grace. It’s like stuff is gonna happen. You’re gonna have pregnancy symptoms. Some of you may suffer from chronic pain. You may be going through a problem with a relationship. You’ll have a day where you think “I just can’t take this anymore!” Then the next day, you wake up and things have settled down just enough that you can take another day and more importantly you see some hope and light, knowing that every thing has a season, and all things change.
As I was driving back from the store today, I looked in the back seat at Chloe via my rearview mirror. Ben laughs at me for putting it on her seat instead of the traffic behind me. What can I say. Guilty as charged. As I looked back at her, I could see her little eyes wanting to shut. She also had this goofy little grin on her face and there’s really no way of knowing what amusing thought was running through her head at that moment. She was simply stunning to me at that time. It’s no secret that I think my child is beautiful. Anyone who knows me, knows that. What I find amazing though, is how something so beautiful came from me. Her father and I made something so precious. I look at the pregnancy books and see how the cells first formed together to create her in my body. She grew inside me then came out as a precious little baby. Then, every day she grows more and more beautiful to me. It’s miraculous. I find it amazing how I feel about her. Then I think about my Mother and how she saw that when she looked at me. Then I think about how God sees that when he looks at us. He created us and as He watches us grow, He is so proud. Isn’t it a special feeling to know that you were created, you were formed in your mother’s womb and made into something so special and beautiful. It’s just the way it is, that even if you don’t know it or don’t feel that way, that someone is watching you in the rearview mirror and is filled with joy over how wonderfully made you are. I think we can all feel a peace in knowing we’re beautiful to the one who created us.
That is all 🙂
- Today, my Mother-in-Law bought a stocking for Bailey for us to hang by the chimney with care. It was funny to me the impact that seeing that stocking hanging from my mantle had on me. I’ve got all her drawers stocked with tiny sleepers. Her new bedding is on the crib. I pretty much have the nursery completed and ready for her arrival. But for some reason the stocking seems different. I have been putting off getting one, thinking to myself, she’s not even here yet, you still got plenty of time. Well, as the day grows closer, I realize just how little time is left. I went to see my Dr. again today and he confirmed that things are progressing down there and Bailey will be with us soon. I certainly feel that way. I feel like I’ve been doing the russian splits with no prior stretching. I feel like Kid and Play are having a straight up House Party in my cervix. If you get that reference, then bless you companion child of the 90’s. The point is, it’s coming. Ready or not, it’s coming! Seeing an additional stocking hanging from the mantle, nestled between our other stockings, surprised me at first. Then it brought a warm feeling of joy and contentment to be adding another precious child to my already pouring over with blessings life.
I have been so happy today to have received so many phone calls and texts from family members checking on me. My precious Daddy called as soon as he got up from his night shift slumber. I could hear the sleep still dripping from his voice, but he wanted to see how his baby girl was doing. Yep, I’m the baby girl I speak of. I found it wonderfully amusing but was not surprised at all when my two sisters texted me the almost exactly same phrased text within minutes of each other. Us girls tend to do that all the time. It’s like some mental link we share. I can’t wait to see that cultivate in Chloe and Bailey. My Mother-in-Law was with me today for my appt. and I noticed my other in-laws checking in with her to see how I was and the latest update. That was so appreciated. My sister-in-law checked on me and it just lifts my spirits and makes me grin like an idiot over her shared excitement for my pregnancy and the impending arrival of baby girl. My Aunt is always a 1/2 a ring away from arriving at my door with anything and everything of herself to help make things easier for me. I’m gonna have to mess up some dishes just so she can come wash them for me. I don’t base my self worth on others’ opinion of me or their actions towards me. I base it on God’s view of me. But it is a wonderful mirror of His and His Son’s character when we see the love of family so evident that it is a splash of brilliant light in your life. I am so thankful and so full today.
This year’s Christmas Season is especially exciting. Of course, cause I’m getting a baby for Christmas, but I’m speaking specifically right now about Chloe. We all love Christmas, but it is super cool to see the joy of it on a 2 year old’s face. She can understand so much more this year than she could last year. It fills this Mommy’s heart with pride when she says in her cute little voice “Jesus’s Birthday.” I love the way her eyes open really wide when she sees Christmas lights. I’m really digging that she is all about this Santa thing. She told me she loves him. And I am so taking advantage of it! Normally a kid sees a toy in the store and it’s a battle to make them leave it behind. Now I get to say, “Put it on your list for Santa.” You get to say stuff like, “You gotta be good if you want Santa to bring you toys.” There’s that tiny part of me that feels kinda guilty for using it like I am, but then there’s that other part that is like, “This is freaking awesome!” Finally someone else to take some parental responsibility. Being a parent can be tough, so I think Santa owes it to me to take some of it. I mean, there is plenty of times he didn’t bring what I asked for and I know I was good. Well, pretty good anyway. Either way, he owes me after all those cookies and milk I left out over the years. And I’m taking full advantage of his reputation and clout.
That is all 🙂
- I do believe that today’s post, instead of 3 facts for the day, should be titled “Diary of a Crazy Pregnant Woman.” Seriously. Man! I woke this morning and just felt a case of the blues. I was finding myself being upset over nothing or tiny things that might as well mean nothing. For example, I had helped my stepdaughter pick out an outfit for picture day last night. My husband got her ready this morning while I slept. When I woke up, I noticed the outfit we had picked out still on the hanger. My feelings were hurt. Did she not like what I picked out, but didn’t want to tell me? Then I thought about a multi-text I had sent out the day before and thought of the people who had not responded back. Did they not care how I was doing? I suppose you can see the irrational pattern of my thoughts here. Then I got a sweet text from my father-in-law checking on me and how I was feeling and I just broke down bawling. My poor husband asks why. “I don’t know!” Oh me, then I get a call from the insurance people, an automated recording telling me my claim amount that had been awarded. Their figure was nothing like I was expecting, so of course, more tears. I think poor Ben was probably secretly glad he had to leave for work. Bless his heart. He has since checked on me by phone. He’s such a sweetie for putting up with me. And then there’s my poor child. I think we are somehow connected hormonally. She has been whiny all day. Earlier I actually heard her cry/singing the theme song to her favorite TV show. I never knew that little joyful tune could sound sad. Perhaps I’m just starting my postpartum blues a little early so they won’t be so bad later on. Right?! Insert wishful thinking here.
I truly thought it was on last night! Labor, that is. At around 11 pm I started having contractions. They were mild, didn’t hurt really bad, but I knew what they were. They continued till around 2 am. I just rolled with it since they weren’t bad and didn’t get any worse, but in the back of my mind I was just sure it was go time! After 2 am, they tapered off and I began to feel exhausted, but have you ever tried to fall asleep after you’ve gotten in your head that you’re gonna go have a baby? Around 3 am, I finally had to take a Benadryl. I knew Chloe would be awake early and if I didn’t get some sort of attempt at sleep, I would be done for. Of course, I’m exhausted today. I’m also nauseated and all sore and achy from all the practice of my uterus last night. I’m really looking forward to Chloe and I taking a nap. I’ll probably try to get her down after writing this post. Then I’ll be ready to go if tonight is a repeat of last night.
I think my little girl knows something is going on. She has been stuck to my side like glue. I mean, I never get to go pee by myself, but usually she stands beside the toilet. The past 2 days, she’s climbing in my lap as I sit on the toilet. She’s stepping on my heels and I’m beginning to think she has regressed with her speech and the only phrase she knows is “hold me.” The funny thing is, I’m embracing it. I mean, it kinda gets on my nerves at times, but overall I’m just caving in to the “hold me’s.” I’m trying to soak it all in while I can. Last night we read a total of 6 bedtime stories, then I reread a few of them. In fact, she just strolled up to the computer and turned the chair around and said “come in the living room and hold me, then we go ride horsey at Walmart.” So I shall end my post here for now and I’ll see you all again tomorrow. Who knows, it may end up being a post made from my mobile phone as I sit in a hospital bed.
That is all 🙂
- Well, I am 38 weeks today. I have felt like things may be drawing closer for the past two days. Today I went to the OB-GYN and my exam revealed I am dilated 2 cm and effaced 50%. So things are definitely heading in the right direction. There’s the one part of me that wants to go do circuits around Walmart then come home and have copious amounts of sex with my husband to try and hasten the process along. I see the beautiful face of my daughter now and can’t wait to see my other little girl! Then there’s the other part of me that wants to lay around and take it easy, soaking up the last few days I may have left of only having one child. I am excited, yet I’m scared. I know these feelings are normal, but it doesn’t change the fact that it makes me feel a little bi-polar to say the least. As I lay Chloe down for a nap a bit ago, her immediate reaction in her sleep was to slip her hand down my shirt and grab hold of my breast. Even though she hasn’t breastfed in over 9 months, she still remembers that relationship. Ben was in the room and said, “What’s that?! You’re dilated 3 cm and she’s still got her hand down your shirt. Way to be a team player boobies! Before this is all said and done, you’ll have 3 people yanking on them!” So, I suppose things might get a little tricky around her pretty soon. I’m sure there’s enough of me to go around. After all, your love doesn’t become divided, it multiplies!
I did something quite miraculous last night. I slept from 11 pm until 9 am! And I only got up twice in that time to use the bathroom. I don’t know if it was complete exhaustion that led to the lack of insomnia or if my body is resting for the big debut. Either way, I was grateful and needed the energy for my little tornado of a two year old to suck out of me. She’s the one who woke me up this morning. Not unusual. The first words out of her mouth. that pried my eyelids open, were “I want chip! I want chip Momma.” I replied with still closed eyes, “You mean the chips you spilled out all over the bed last night?” Chloe, “No Momma. I want Daddy’s chip, in the cabinet.” So out of bed I roll, with her already waiting for me eagerly at the bedroom door. So many little requests for first thing in the day. It occurred to me how different children are, that they can pop their eyes open, ready to eat, ready to play, ready for the day! And then there’s the Momma, who just wants to start the coffee maker.
I was a little frustrated at myself when I woke up this morning. I know, I should have felt awesome after so much sleep, and no, it wasn’t my kiddo’s energy level that was leaving me frustrated. I felt an overall sense of defeat and discouragement first thing this morning. I found myself worrying over upcoming bills; asking myself if my check would come before they were due, would I be in the hospital when they came due and if so, who would know what to do but me. Asking myself how much would come out of that check in taxes and would there be enough to get the Christmas presents out of layaway and pay the bills. What is most frustrating about these thoughts is that there is nothing I can do to change any of it, yet I still find myself worrying. Oh, why do we humans do this? Why do we worry, why do we dwell? You can know the truth in your heart, yet you still fall to your own doubts. So silly. And that was what frustrated me. Psalm 121:1 “I lift my eyes up to the hills-where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.” I honestly tell you all about my struggles with my inner self and my weaknesses so that perhaps if someone out there finds themselves falling into the same trap, we can know it’s normal and it’s ok. I ask forgiveness for my “doubting Thomas” self, then throw my hands up once again and say “I give it to you Lord. I can’t do anything with this by myself.” Then something magical happens. I feel that heaviness lifted from me and hope fills my spirit. I guess sometimes we just have to do that on a daily basis, huh?