I recall once seeing a coworker and his wife out at a restaurant. The guy smiled politely, but quickly averted his gaze after a perfunctory greeting in my general direction. I exchanged a brief salutation in return, and then we passed each other as if nothing were amiss. My heart actually hurt for this woman as I thought of the inappropriate things her husband had said to me before in the workplace, and as I thought of his very different behavior just moments before I wondered if he would have looked me up and down like a piece of meat and made a flirtatious compliment of my physical appearance had his wife been present. Not likely.
I had never given this man any inclination that I had even a speck of interest in him, and even without the wedding rings on my finger, surely he had noticed the string of pregnancies I had blossomed through during our time working together. I suppose to some men this didn’t matter, but I wondered under what circumstances it might. Perhaps circumstances like the one in the restaurant. One where his lovely wife was present.
If his wife happened to be standing in the hall at our workplace would he have said such things? Doubtful.
How many times had I seen jokes that went too far, or even innocent shoulder massages that had no place? Pretty often. But what if each man and woman, every husband and wife, in their respective work places considered one very simple question. What if before saying something to that coworker or placing your hand on them in an extremely friendly manner you paused with internal reflection and asked yourself this.
Would I do this if my spouse was standing right here beside me?
I think it’s really that simple. If you can ask yourself that question and the answer is “no” then you really have no business doing it. If you wouldn’t flirt with that coworker while your wife was present then why do it at all? If you wouldn’t strike up a conversation with that stranger at the gym if your husband was there then why do it if he’s not. To respect your spouse means you respect them even if they cannot see your actions. It’s a loyalty that extends beyond immediate vision, and a mutual trust that is built in relation to treating your partner the way you would wish to be treated.
That opens a whole other line of thinking. You might even begin to question, “would I want my spouse speaking to someone of the opposite sex the way I just did?”
Would I want my wife rubbing another man’s shoulders?
Would I want a woman complimenting the way my husband’s butt looks in his jeans?
Are the conversations you’re having something better shared with your spouse? We all want someone to listen to our deepest hopes and dreams with interest and intrigue, but are your conversations outside of your marriage something that you should be having at home instead?
Would I want my husband to share with another woman his most secret dreams?
No. I want those conversations for our special relationship.
Would I want my husband to share my inadequacies with a female coworker?
So why would I share his with another man?
It’s almost like the Golden Rule of marriage. You treat your spouse the way you would wish to be treated, and they in turn do the same. You don’t act in a manner that would make your spouse uncomfortable or hurt their feelings, and you don’t do anything in their absence that you wouldn’t also do in their presence. So if you’ll ask yourself would I do or say this if they were here, and if the answer happens to be “no” then it’s time to change your behavior. It might just end up saving your marriage.
ebjarratt says
It seems so simple, Brie….and it is. But as one who has lived the last few years in the wake of my wasbund’s devastating affair with a nurse at the hospital, it certainly isn’t very prevalent. There just seems to be a total disregard for the covenant of marriage. 23 years and 3 beautiful daughters tossed out the window, because they had no integrity. I would love to work with nurses like you!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
I’m so sorry that happened to you. Praying for you and your children.
Dave says
I started trying to write on this in several directions but ended up with just one thought! Keep your marriage grounded in prayer and study of God’s Word! That’s why it is so important to marry within the faith! Thinking you’re going to marry him or her and then change them is tough to do! It does happen but let God direct you to the one He wants before saying “I do”! That in itself does not guarantee a bed of roses but at least both of you know God’s way & hopefully always turn to Him when temptation comes and it will as satan goes about as a roaring lion seeking whom he can devour!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
I completely agree!
Steph says
It happens so frequently in the workplaces and elsewhere that the regard for your sacred vows seems to be tossed out on a whim, wink, and a nod. While one spouse covets those special things the other is throwing affections about wildly. It’s hurtful and damaging. The book of Hosea is one that I’ve walked through whether I liked/wanted to or not. But there is redemption and beauty for ashes. Thankfully we have a Father of restoration.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Amen. Praying restoration for you.
Lisa Pierce says
Very good article Brie. From working in a factory for 18 years I witnessed some unspeakable events from men and women that were married. Many of them had their spouses working in the same factory. My thought is this, they don’t care what their spouse would think or they wouldn’t even be considering it in the first place. Of course they would probably be upset if they were caught because as the saying goes, they want their cake, and eat it too. It’s a sad thing to see and even worse when you realize what the outcomes will be. People have gotten so side-tracked that they have forgotten what the value of marriage really means. Broken homes have become more and more prevalent as the devil keeps gaining ground in our broken society. God help us all.