This morning as I was rocking my baby daughter back to sleep before leaving for work I prayed about my day ahead. This was nothing new, and as I asked God to go before me, make the way, and help me to have good patients, a thought flitted briefly through my brain.
Am I getting too old for this, maybe?
Honestly, it wasn’t the first time I had questioned my position at the critical care bedside. It wasn’t because I didn’t love it; I did. It was just an uncertain environment that seemed to get a bit more taxing physically and mentally as the years went by. I had done a lot of different things in the field of nursing over the years, but this time I had been back at the critical care bedside for almost five years straight, and as that fact hit me it kinda blew my mind. Five years had passed quickly, but also pleasantly. I really had little complaint about my job.
At that moment understanding descended upon me like a lead weight and I realized that I had not sailed through five years at the critical care bedside on my own. It was by His strength. That was the only explanation.
The fact is nursing is not an easy task, and though it may very well be a rewarding vocation and calling in your life, that does not make it sunshine and roses every day. On the days when your patient is crashing and you just want to take a breath, it ain’t easy. In those instances where you are sure you can run no further on adrenaline and gumption, you just keep going. You have no choice.
When death descends at your bedside, and then again the same week, you wonder, am I cut out for this?
When stress piles on top of stress, and there doesn’t seem to be enough of you to go around you may think, I can’t do this anymore.
When patients are overly demanding and families are difficult to please you may scream inside your head, I can’t deal!
When your feet are hurting, your back is aching, and your brain feels like it’s been overstimulated you may wonder, can I get up and do this again tomorrow?
When you’re overworked, underpaid, and feel like expectations are unrealistic you may think, I picked the wrong career.
Don’t feel bad. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad nurse when you have a breaking point. It means you’re human. But the thing is the field of medicine doesn’t always allow a timeout, hiatus, or mental vacation in the midst of chaos. It just can’t. The nature of the beast involves digging deep inside yourself and finding that bit extra. It’s reaching the end of your rope, then miraculously finding more slack. It’s the feeling of wanting to scream, but somehow smiling instead while you say, “don’t you worry. It’s gonna be okay.” It’s the thought that you can’t do any more, but then you do. And you do it well.
Most of the time we don’t think about this. We don’t have time, really, but in retrospect it’s apparent that nurses are like race horses. We run and sweat, and grunt. And sometimes we win; sometimes we don’t. Yet we never walk away from the bedside feeling like we didn’t push our limits to the utmost to cross the finish line.
Subsequently, after a 12 hour shift we may pee like a race horse. Just saying, but I digress.
I am of the mindset that nurses are a special breed, and I believe God gives nurses an extra dose of strength that is required to fight the good fight, persevere, and be His hands and feet in the process. What an honor.
This morning I went about the rest of my rush out the door with a peace that come what may I would be fine. Actually that peace is always there, and I certainly couldn’t continue to do what I do without it. The thing is Critical Care is an unsure area where things can change dramatically in an instant, and that can be pretty stressful. I glide through because I realize I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. In fact, He gives us all strength. Of this I am sure.
Dave Parsons says
If I ever have to be a patient in critical care I would definitely pray that God would put someone like you Brie and your faith in Christ as my caretaker! I had a job at Disney that wasn’t nearly as taxing as yours as I know when human life is at risk you have to be pushed to the limit & I view folks like you as those who face the worst of the worst situations but mine was trying to say the least! Unfortunately I was a prodigal while doing mine but still knew that God was my Creator but just had so many hurts & questions after going through awful problems in a church split! I just didn’t trust a lot of Christians although there were still some I trusted including my dear parents and most of all my wife who continued serving God in another church! Her prayers, I know, and my puny faith helped me to cope in a job where expectations were almost beyond reality at times to finish projects, keep areas safe and to make sure the magic happened when those gates opened every day! Politics and plain old corrupt behavior amongst a couple of managers caused me to be picked to be laid off because I dared to stand up to them! This is not an indictment of all I worked with as there were many many good good people just like me who wanted to do the right thing but I got caught up in a small web but God used what satan meant for bad and turned it around for my good! Thanks to a praying wife I was picked by some good people in another division to be called back to work after a lay off of nearly 8 months & through my wife’s faithfulness to pray for me & I eventually went on and was awarded the highest award a cast member could get and that was the Cast Excellence award! I see that statue of Walt and Mickey on my shelf and think, but God! Satan wanted me defeated “but God” knew I still loved Him deep in my heart and we now have the privilege of teaching little children in Children’s Church to love and trust Jesus in all they do! I give a voice to puppets to tell kids that no matter what they face they can have a testimony that God will always be with His children! Keep on keeping on for Him young lady as you touch so many I know at a time when they need a child of God by their sides! Praise God!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much!
Michaela says
So well said, Brie. I am so very proud of you! And I know, your Mama, my dear friend Marty, is too. You doing an amazing work and I couldn’t be more honored to know you.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you!!