I am failing at life.
That is what I sent my husband via text message. He’s one I reach out to when I feel like I’m about to drown. My precious anchor of a man.
What have I done today?!
This is what I asked my five year old. It was a rhetorical question, but she still answered quickly, “you cleaned the house for us.”
I sighed. The pile of pizza boxes, empty milk cartons, and plastic bags by the back door desiring to be taken outside begged to differ. It was more like I tried to clean up. I picked up to keep rats from coming or my sanity from slipping further than it already had. The sink overflowed with a trail of angry dishes stacked upon the counter, and a pile of dirty clothes waited for their turn in the already humming washer.
Help me, Lord. I’m not doing good today.
I cried out to God to calm my frayed nerves, but even I could tell my frantically uttered petitions were desperate rather than the calm clarity of faith they needed to be. It made me feel worse, almost defeated.
I had yelled when they spilled a root beer after I had said, “don’t spill your root beer.” Even as I raised my voice, feeling almost out of control, I couldn’t reel my angry words back in. I felt like I had exploded after so many things piled on top of me, and I just wanted to scream.
We were running late, and I wondered where time had trotted off to. Much like my patience it had simply disappeared. I felt unaccomplished, and though I knew I had fed children a home-cooked breakfast, developed my lessons plans for homeschool, and played for an extended period on the floor with the baby, my mind couldn’t focus on what I had done. It focused on what I had not.
I suppose some days are like that. You feel like an absolute failure. You feel like you yelled too much and let it just slide too little. So even when you say “I’m sorry” and your kid says “it’s ok, mom” you still feel like crawling into a dungeon made for bad moms.
Some days you feel like you’re in control of nothing, that you’re no good at getting things done, and that your children deserve better.
So you rush out of the house, and while baby and preschool tears are long dried, you feel as if yours could come at any time.
I’m failing at this.
But later while giggly girls dance in ballet class gleefully, looking quite perfect despite your apparent failures, and a baby laughs joyfully while staring lovingly at your face, you consider that maybe you’re doing ok.
Maybe I’m not failing. Maybe I’m getting by. And maybe sometimes that’s the best I can hope for in these crazy days.
Then in the midst of my musings about not being an utter and total failure my husband texts back.
Yea we have this conversation about once a month. It’s just a messy house; who cares, you can’t do a baby, write a blog, clean the house, take kids to dance, go to grocery store, sell Rodan and fields, rebuild the motor in the van, and make me feel special all at the same time. You have chosen what’s important/necessary to be done and the rest suffers. It’s life, no big deal.
I knew I reached out to him for a reason. After I picked myself off the floor from collapsing in laughter I realized my spouse was quite right. Sometimes it’s not that you’re a failure, you just focus on what’s important. The rest is no big deal.
And no, I’m not rebuilding the motor in the van. Maybe next month though.
Ruthie says
So good! You’re a good mom. and some day you will have no toys in the floor, but the memories will be amazing
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you!
Denise says
Ruthie….I totally agree…there will always be a house to clean…not kids in the home though. Great comment.
Jacki says
Oh wow! God has you in my life for a reason. Tonight my husband told me I was failing– “you don’t have control over the house and the kids.” I’ve been in prayer trying to see what I need to change, how I can improve, trying to find how I can work on myself then your blog came up in my email..thank you Brie. I will focus on what’s important and the rest is no big deal.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
I’m so glad this post found you right at this moment. Praying for God’s grace to envelope you. Mothering is hard work!
Denise says
Jacki…your comment put sorrow in my heart…you are not “failing”…you are not a failure…perhaps you are upon some trying times, but you’ll find your way through it all. Keep your faith and praying for God to direct you. Remember, the kids are first…love,structure and discipline are their priority. You’ve got this fellow mom! <3
Jacki says
Thank you Denise for the kind words.Uplifting & great advice.
Denise says
Jacki….??
bluebell222 says
Has anyone ever explained that home schooling can include doing the dishes together as a lesson? Having the kids decide the menu and take the whole day to work on that one meal together? I even brought another adult in once a week to read to the kids and provide me peace of mind. I found myself in the kitchen making a giant meal on Kristy’s school day. That is what make our days calmer and sometimes felt more whole.
Just know that you accomplish more in an hour with your family than others do in a lifetime. Maybe include a punching bag session and call it gym or physical ed time. Listen to your heart and find those days that are your “Red flag” moments and have the kids learn those indicators that your patience is thinner than on the regular days. You are enough and you are the Mom God intends you to be. Enjoy the journey!!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you. Still trying to find the balance with a baby. It’s challenging when they’re all five and under.
Lisa Naeger Shea says
This brought back memories. Today marks one week for my husband and I as empty-nesters. In that week, we discovered one textbook left under the seat of the rental van we used to deliver our three college daughters, received two frantic texts from daughters who “have to drop this class,” and another text that one will be Face-timing this weekend for help creating her LinkedIn profile. And you know what? As much as I’m encouraging them to be independent, it feels good that they still need me a little bit! The chaos changes, but the house is neater now. 🙂