I recently came across a folder on my Facebook messenger that I did not realize existed. It was a message archive Facebook had filtered for me of people I was not “friends” with, and in this place I found a message from my Aunt Lynn, your sister. She wasn’t a woman I could remember, but her name was one my mother had mentioned to me before. In fact she had said we favored.
Aunt Lynn had reached out to me, and since you left when I was just a small child of five I hadn’t seen her since before that. In her message she mentioned that you had spoken of my blog, and that surprised me since a Contact Page is easily accessible on my website, yet I hadn’t heard a word. But then I thought of all the things I had written over the years. Wince.
A large number of my blog posts have mentioned you and your absence, and I cringed wondering what you had thought of my musings. I wrote those things with no knowledge that you would ever see them, but now knowing that you might I decided to pen this letter just for you.
First off, my intention is not to hurt you. That would do neither of us any good. I don’t desire to “get back at you” or even “lash out” to try and make myself feel better. You see, the fact is that I’ve forgiven you. I’m not mad, and I haven’t been for many years. I came to a place where I had to realize some people aren’t made to be dads who are present in their children’s life, and that’s just how it is.
But although I have forgiven you and I don’t wish you any ill thoughts, I do want you to know how your actions have impacted my life. I think it’s only fair that you know. I don’t know the complete specifics of what went on between you and my mother. I only know what I heard, what I personally remember, but most importantly, how it all affected me in the end.
I don’t think people realize how their actions impact another, or even how it can serve like ripples upon the water after a hastily thrown stone. They don’t see that absence can impact just as much as presence, and that empty places sometimes leave hollow hearts.
When my mother remarried and I decided as a young girl that I liked this new man, I watched him with a distrusting eye. I remember once pouring Elmer’s glue in his backpack so that he wouldn’t be able to leave like you had done.
Because of your decision to go away a part of me always feared he would go too, no matter how much he proved his love for me.
Did you know that even as a thirty year old woman, when my mother died, I feared he would decide there was no longer anything to tie us together?! Because of that deep-seated rejection I still carry to a degree, I irrationally was afraid my adopted daddy would be done with me. Crazy, I know.
I don’t want to place my self-esteem issues on you, or even the string of failed relationships I experienced where I chased men trying to find one who loved me. I won’t try and put a Freudian twist on it all, or say I tried too hard to please a man who never really loved me over and over again because of some “daddy issues” I have. I just won’t do that.
I’ll just say it hurt. It hurt when you left. When you left the first time, the second time, and even the third.
It hurt when I tried to keep visiting you as an eight year old and you didn’t have time for me.
It hurt when you gave up your parental rights so easily, although I know now that was God’s will for me.
It hurt when I reconnected with you when I was twenty, but you let me drift back away.
It hurt that you didn’t know me at all, or that your wife signed the birthday cards.
It hurt when I called you to cry about Mom’s death, and you had no idea what to say to me.
I don’t know why I sought your comfort so much at that time, but I did.
And it hurts that as I write this that unwanted, unexpected tears come to my eyes.
But we cannot undo hurt feelings anymore than we can un-break an overturned vase. Instead what I can do is tell you how the good Lord has used it.
God showed me through the adoption by my Dad, Michael, how it feels to be chosen. It feels lovely. To be picked to be loved, that is precious. Dad has done a really great job.
God showed me how He also adopted me into His Kingdom, and I was able to grasp more deeply the Father Heart of God. He showed me that despite any earthly hurt I could cry out Abba Father and He would be there.
He would never leave me.
I guess you can see why that meant so much to me, and why now I cling to my faith so deeply. It could have gone the other way, but I’m glad it did not.
I see now that every thing that has happened to me God has orchestrated. Did He want you to leave? No. I don’t think that was His design, but when you did He worked with it and He set into motion the many things in my life that would bring me back to Him.
So the end of my story is a happy one. I don’t know if you’ve ever wondered or worried if I’m ok. And if you haven’t, that’s fine. My joy rests on no man. But if you do then I can tell you this.
Although your leaving hurt me then, wounded me later, and impacted me in so many ways, it did not destroy me. I am fine. I am stronger, wiser, and quick to keep the flicker alive in my own daughters’ eyes. I have chosen a man who is a wonderful husband and father to our children, and I don’t take him for granted one bit.
The thing is, I love you, and honestly, sometimes I think of you. I think of you and it makes me sad. So then I push those thoughts away.
In Honesty,
Your Daughter
Paula says
Beautifully written Brie.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you.
Finney Pandicheril says
Simple words that brings a real positive impact!
Exceptional ending!!! Really good.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks Finney. Blessed to have you following the blog!
Gwen Woodard says
It tares my heart out to know how you have suffered. God always had a plan for you, though, and I’m so very proud of you.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you Gwen. Compared to others I have suffered very little, but I so appreciate your compassion for me. God is good all the time.
Emily Fondren says
Wonderfully written!!!
Our lives-His Purposes, Ruthie's impressions says
so proud of you! amazing!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks Maw!
Scottie says
Well said old friend
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you my friend. 🙂
Mandy Barnett says
Crying, Brie, because every word that is written was my life also. Thank you to this.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you Mandy. God bless you!
Amy says
Cried the whole time while reading it. I am still hurting from my bio dad and his last rejection..a letter in theail.. Saying I’m not your daddy. It is hard to forgive… Hard to move forward.. Thank you for your post. It helps.. And I’m sorry your bio dad did that.. His loss you are a wonderful person and I appreciate all you did for mom in her final days.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks Amy.
Angel says
I thought the sun sat and rose in my Daddy’s behind… even tho he would be gone for days and some days when he did show up he would be drunk as all get out. He left… too many times. He hit my Mother and that is the only thing I can’t forgive him for. The rest… I have. I am still scarred and will always be but I am stronger for it. <3 HUGS.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for sharing. Hugs to you.
Michaela says
Wonderful written. Life is really not easy but Faith and God help.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you. So true.
Tammi says
I am so happy to see that you have overcame such dilemmas in your young life. I pray for my son the same way that he can overcome. I hide a lot of the past so he doesn’t get angry over what happened to create my divorce from his dad. His dad has. Toning to,do with hi at all. My son has tried for so many years win so many disappointments, I have never kept him from his dad but his dad seems to keep the distance. After many failed relationships & marriages he still puts himself in front of his son. Lack of financial help has been so stressful but my son has no idea that he doesn’t follow the divorce decree. After bei Cole to his dad’s parents at such a young age he went 3 yrs without seeing hem until recently, It will be 4 long guests since my son has seen his father. He refuses to send text messages & vice messages any longer due to the lack to no response. He has had his own phone just to stay in touch but it was apparently never meant to be. My son is an amazing young man. Hard worker at school, at home, now at 16 with drivers permit he wants to work 2 jobs starting one after school & 2 during summer time just to earn his own way. He struggles in school with ADHD & dyslexia but never gives up. He has wonderful friendships that will last a lifetime. One day my son will be the amazing dad that he has never had. He is determined with his perseverance to be a good person. I’m so blessed. He has had no father figure in his life but still has become a wonderful young man himself. I’m so proud of him. Your story showed us both that no matter how much you hurt over someone’s absence life will get better.
Thank you for sharing your story.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for commenting and sharing!
Bobby Capps says
Thanks Brie. Great story. There is a lie that our enemy tells us when we’re abandoned and it is that we weren’t valuable or worth loving. So we spend a lot of time trying to prove him wrong by hustling love in all its weird forms. And we also are deeply afraid his lie may be true so we fear (more than life itself sometimes) abandonment again. I’m glad that God, through your dad and through His gospel, has shown you your worth. You are worth the life of God’s own Son. That’s how much he paid for you. One Christian counselor said that every child has a father wound that needs to be healed. Grieving what you lost and forgiving are parts of it. But not believing the lie is a part too. The truth sets you free. Great post. I’m sure the Lord will use it to care for many souls.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks so much!
josefina pastor says
Hello, Brie, I am so inspired by this particular story of your life that you shared with us. Reading this reminded me of my own mother who had suffered so much from her biological parents who separated when my mother was so young. Many years later, as a young adult, my mother decided to marry my father who was 11 years her junior. Anyway, as I was growing up, I have always wondered why my own mother ” behaved ” the way she did. As a young adult myself, I was fortunate enough to have a godmother who literally became my second mother because my own had some growing up to do, so to speak. Brie, my own life too has been through it all and my adolescent years were stormy due to my relationship with my mother but from the moment that I “felt ” God’s presence, I did not fear the worst. He has blessed me in so many ways and I am so grateful of my faith that He is the only one who can make everything right for us, for me and even for my own mother. God is good, always!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much for commenting and sharing.