Today on my lunch break I noticed a magazine on the table, and as I looked it over taking in the overly exuberant pregnant woman on the cover, I noticed a series of article titles that could be gleaned within. They all had one thing in common, and that was each gave specific directions on how to achieve the best outcome with pregnancy and parenting.
As I scanned the words I saw things like “how to bond with your baby,” and I pictured those first two weeks that a baby is in your life. Personally, while I definitely loved my newborn for sure, I wouldn’t say bonding ranked top amongst my priorities. At the time I was worried about things like keeping her alive, not dropping her in my sleep deprived haze, or flipping out over the colicky crying. I could easily see a new mother thinking she had it all wrong when she wasn’t madly in love with her screaming, poop-machine after a week of nonstop “bonding.”
As I thumbed through the magazine I realized the rest of the articles weren’t much better. The one on “anxiety-free breastfeeding” I found most interesting. As a long-term breastfeeding mom of three, and huge advocate of nursing period, I found the idea of pushing anxiety free breastfeeding a bit unrealistic. And while it does work best when you’re calm and comfortable, the fact remains that it’s an anxiety causing experience.
Being fully responsible for nourishing a tiny human causes anxiety, especially the first time, but even the second and third. Factor in unbalanced hormones and you can forget about being cool and collected. The fact is it’s not a happy experience for every woman who tries, and they can’t be made to feel like it should be or something is wrong with their mommy mojo.
It kinda made me think of a cute little helpful chart I had seen making the rounds of Facebook mommy groups. It had described in specifics the times your child should go to bed based on their age, and right when I’d seen it I’d given it a laugh. While the creator of these particular bedtimes felt quite certain that adhering to their schedule would produce tantrum-free, productive kiddos, the fact remained that it wouldn’t work for my children.
Even the receptionist at the dentist had given me guff when I told her my daughter would not be in a better mood coming to an early appointment just because most children were. And this was because my child wasn’t most children. She was my child, and we held a schedule all our own.
Seeing that my husband (their father) owned a restaurant, the fact was he worked late hours all the time. If the children ever were to see their dad then bedtime would be extended. If I was going to be able to spend time with him myself, then my bedtime would be extended. Naturally, we all woke later than the average family, so a late bedtime led to a later rise and shine.
“That will probably really mess her up when she starts kindergarten,” the receptionist had chimed in, and I had been quick to answer that we homeschooled so school started whenever we chose.
That was the thing. Each situation is its own. Each family has its particular way. And each child is unique. So what may work for some, won’t work for others, but the point is, they still make it work.
So while “parenting experts” will be quick to develop a routine or give suggestions that they tote as the best way, the truth is that there is no best way. There’s only the way that works best for you, and the sooner every mom realizes this the happier and healthier they will be.
In fact, when it comes right down to it the only parenting advice you ever need is to take all advice with a grain of salt. No matter how well meaning the family member or how many initials behind the person’s name who wrote the article, in the end you tailor your parenting style to meet the needs of your unique child.
So whether you spank or time out, I don’t care. And whether you co-sleep or let them cry it out, they’ll still fight a nap when they’re two. What you decide to do about that is up to you.
So buy your kid three presents at Christmas, or even ten, they’ll still beg for cheap toys at the check-out at Walmart. And whether you say “no” or buy it to keep them from throwing a tantrum won’t really mean a hill of beans when they’re applying to college; so everyone can relax.
Relax and just enjoy the ride. Parenting is hard enough without trying to do it just right, and in the end we all mess up anyway. Yet you dust yourself off and move on. And instead of worrying if the juice you just bought has high fructose corn syrup, and wondering, hey, is that still a bad thing?; you simply enjoy them being small while you can. Sugar high and all.
Naomi Erlich says
Great post. There is an overwhelming amount of write and wrong way information based parenting articles. I love that you put it in to context that the little things really won’t matter in the long run. Thanks for sharing!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you.