It occurred to me that I had never really shared my testimony on this blog, just bits and pieces of my story as they came. My story is one of saving grace like so many others, but the logistics still amaze me. So many times I’m in shock and awe that God took the time to rescue me, and though I didn’t deserve it at all, He did.
There’s two types of basic Christianity in this world. There’s the kind where you believe John 3:16 and go to church on Sunday, and then there’s the kind where you walk with Jesus like a friend. It’s this love relationship that picks you up and changes your whole life, and that’s the kind of “religion” that saved me. I guess God had a plan for me right from the start. After all, that’s what scripture says. And since He knew me in my momma’s womb it’s no surprise that He orchestrated the events in my life from day one.
Knowing that an atheist for a father wasn’t what a child needed, and knowing a present father figure to model our Abba God was what I required, He set in motion the events to lead me to His love.
Years later, despite finally having a loving, adoptive dad and hearing the Salvation Story for the first time, the Lord knew His child would need a bit more. Wounded by rejection and problems of this world, He knew I needed more than simple Sunday services.
So He called me into relationship.
As with many stubborn human beings it took me a while, or perhaps His perfect timing knew when I would be most receptive. It just so happened that for me I had to hit a rock bottom place to find His saving grace. At nineteen I had to feel an emotion of complete emptiness to call out for His spirit to fill me, and naturally He answered my request.
At college age I learned that the reverent, pale-faced, long-haired man depicted in the photographs could be more than just a name I said during a disconnected prayer. I discovered He could be my friend, my confidant, and as I devoured the scriptures I learned of His honest to goodness love for me.
A real love, the greatest story ever told. An unconditional affection for me. A love that was worth dying for, even when I didn’t feel like I was worth it at all. A love that loved me despite my many faults, my past, or anything else for that matter. How wonderous.
He stitched together a broken heart from a father who abandoned me. He taught me to forgive even those who hurt me. He healed me of Epilepsy. And He showed me how to hear His voice in the stillness of my heart. Oh, the miracles I observed both in this country and abroad (that’s a story for another day).
But like many out there I guess I couldn’t always believe I was special. I couldn’t see myself through His eyes. I didn’t hold myself to the standard He set for me, turned a blind eye to the life He had in store. I allowed the devil to deceit me, thinking God didn’t have His best for little ole me. I’d just find my own way. After a lifetime of hurt, my destiny was safer in my hands. Or so I believed.
I spent ten years running from God. Have you ever done that? It’s exhausting. The thing is your soul always longs for a Savior, and when you try to fill your cup with anything less it’s just pointless. But I sure tried.
Think of the most promiscuous, drunken dame you can imagine. That was me. Consider a woman without standards, pride in her own sacred body, or a confidence in her inner beauty. Guilty as charged. It’s only by His mercy and grace (that I certainly didn’t deserve) that I am not either unemployed, in jail, or dead. After all, I tempted fate more times than I can count, and I shudder to think.
Who do you think was watching my life with sadness and disappointment yet unconditional, unchanged love the entire time I ran defiantly? Who do you think knew my mistakes before I made them, yet used them to bring me back? Who do you think let me fall, by my own making, yet picked me up and dusted me off?
Jesus. Oh, sweet Jesus.
After a decade of emptiness I finally let Him hold me. Instead of turning away I faced forward with tears of regret, and He wiped them away. He still wipes them away.
He forgave me for living life outside His will, and He brought me back full circle to the place He had all along. Yet He wasn’t done. I still don’t think He’s done.
As I turn my eyes to the Lord, seeking His face I am found blessed. My blessings are so abundant it brings me to my knees. A lump of emotion blocks my throat, and I struggle to find the words that mean more than a simple thank you.
My life isn’t perfect. It isn’t without problems or strife. But it is wonderful. It is wonderful because of Jesus. I can face anything when He holds my hand, and after living life twice without His counsel and Holy Spirit I can honestly say I can’t imagine a daily walk without my best friend at my side.
He heals hurts, opens eyes, and gives a purpose to my existence. An empty feeling is an awful thing, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. There is so much that Jesus can be in our lives, certainly more than simple religion can convey. I am grateful He knew me then, that He knows me now, but most importantly, that I know Him always.
Barbara Allen says
To God be the Glory, Brie. God is so good. I too have failed to see in the past how truly He loves me. I can’t imagine the last 4 years without Him as my friend & personal Savior! My sweet husband & I were saved in 1984. I always have trusted Him but until my sweet husband passed in 2011, I didn’t know just how much I needed Him each & every day, every min. & every sec. of my life. Thank the Lord for His infinite love, mercy & grace.
Thank you, sweetie, for your blog. They are truly a blessing! Love to you & your! God bless you! Love Me, Barbara Allen
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much for your comment. God bless you.
Ruth says
So thankful for you
Love you
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Love you too!