The month of October not only marks my Mother’s birthday, but also the anniversary of her death. Seven years have passed since her death, and I suppose I’ve been through just about every emotion possible in that timeframe.
You see, my mom was my best friend, and I think one of the hardest things for me in the beginning was not being able to talk to her. In my life when something bothered me, angered me, worried me, or overjoyed me then she was the one at the other end of the phone line. She was the ear I wished to bend, and the one whose advice could soothe me.
It’s gotten easier as time has gone by as I suppose new routines have a way of settling the upset, but I still would give anything to hear her voice. What I wouldn’t give for one more phone call, one more afternoon together, and one more hug.
But time with her is something I cannot get back.
She had this way of depositing brilliant nuggets in your conversations together. She was funny, witty, and had an insight unlike anyone I’ve ever met. I try to dig deep in my memory for anecdotes she delivered, stories she relayed, and advice she gave based on her colorful life experience. I can grasp ahold of most, but some slips away, and I am left longing to remember our every single conversation in vivid detail. If only I had written it all down.
But our talks are something I cannot get back.
Some of the conversations that come back to me are heated arguments. I think of times where I knew I was right! And I told her all about it! I grimace at angry words thrown, and actually cringe in shame at the awful things I thought about her. Sometimes I hated her.
I was frequently harder on her than she deserved after all the sacrifices she had made for me. Sometimes I put too much focus on being right, and pointed my finger at her faults far too eagerly. I’m sure she has forgiven me, but sometimes I have trouble forgiving myself.
But I cannot take back the tearful arguments, hastily flung words, or even the long periods where we wouldn’t speak due to my selfishness.
As she got older she longed to be a grandmother, and I just assumed she would be. When you love someone so much your relationship becomes comfortable, and you just figure it will always be that way. You take for granted the time together, the beautiful conversations, and the wonderful hugs. You assume you have more time, more time to make amends, or to say the things you’ve been holding inside.
My mother’s sixth grandchild is about to be born, and she never had the opportunity to meet a single one while here on this earth. She never experienced the joy she anticipated of being called MeeMaw, and my girls have missed meeting an amazing woman. And although I see her in their actions and expressions, it is not the same. I just always figured we’d experience me becoming a mother together.
But I cannot get back my false assumptions.
No one knows the day or hour a loved one will leave this earth. Often times it comes quickly, without warning, and without the courtesy of a “goodbye.” If I’ve learned anything these last seven years it is this; you can’t get it back.
You cannot get back a single second with the one you have lost, and though my belief in the afterlife gives me peace, I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss having her here right now.
I now live life with my eyes wide open. I savor every opportunity with those I love. I speak the words that will build them up more frequently, and try harder to suppress those that do not. I take zero for granted and assume not a thing, but instead linger my kisses a little longer, and hold my hugs a minute more. Because all that stuff, you cannot get back.
Liz Fields says
Brought me to tears!
Denise says
I miss my mom (and dad) soooo much.. Two off to heaven in less than a year. I love hearing their voices on my phone recorder and reminiscing about my childhood. I was blessed with my mom knowing her grandchildren, but the ache is still there because of her absence. I will never get over that they are “gone” here on earth, and I cling tightly to my faith that one day I will be reunited with them. Now I keep their memory alive for my children and myself. And I hold my head high as I continue their legacy here on earth. Bless you, Brie, may God comfort you as you enter this month of October.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you.
gwen says
Never take anyone for granted. I read a letter my Mom wrote to herself in 2009. I wish she were here so I could give her a hug. More for me than her. She’s with Jesus.
maiza says
So true! I miss my mom so much! She passed away one month ago today just a week before her birthday. Just one more hug, just one more call…