The content and title of this post woke me this morning, and as the idea of it pulled me from my sleep I knew it was something I must write today. Am I an expert on relationships? Certainly not. And although I am now very happily married I wasn’t always. In fact, if I’m an expert on anything then it’s on messing up relationships.
It’s true. I have been in more broken, unhealthy, and doomed to failure relationships than I would like to admit. I have been dead set in the past on doing things the wrong way, and I’ve even sabotaged many a relationship before it ever started.
Most people, whether they want to admit it or not, are looking for a solid relationship. They desire to spend quality time with someone they can connect with on many levels. They want to enjoy life with a partner by their side, and that’s not an unrealistic expectation. But sometimes our desire to be loved can cloud the issue. It can complicate the process and sabotage the relationship before it’s even started.
Here are seven mistakes I have made.
1. Base your self worth on a relationship. You are not single, and you’re not that person in a happy relationship either. You are you, and you are you regardless of your relationship status. Being with someone else doesn’t elevate your person any more than being alone lessons it.
The very simple fact is that you must first love yourself before you can love anyone else, and if you are somehow basing your importance and value as a person on whether or not another human views you as special and worthy of spending time with then you are very mistaken. You will always fall flat and end up disappointed eventually.
A relationship doesn’t make you special; you just are. Wait for someone who can see that.
2. Let your happiness rest on it. So just as your opinion of self shouldn’t be based on your relationship or lack thereof, you also shouldn’t base your contentment on a relationship. The thing is that while relationships are really wonderful they aren’t the be-all end-all of life. In other words a romantic partnership shouldn’t be the foundation for your life’s purpose and joy. If it is then you will end up hurt much of the time.
People are imperfect, and they will often times unknowingly hurt you. There is no such thing as the perfect match or a marriage without disagreement. Life has disappointment and strife, and that’s a fact. So if you’re throwing all your motivation for an elevated mood into a human relationship then you are setting yourself up for failure.
I’m so happy in my marriage, but that’s not what is the underlying force behind my vigor for life. It helps make every day better, but it’s not what my emotional well-being is made up of.
3. Sink all your energy into finding it. You see it often, the media is all over it. Romance novels and movies spin its sweet tale. Even the church tells you it is so. The one is out there. Your future love is out there just waiting for your two hearts to collide, and who wouldn’t get excited about that, right?
There’s a reason arranged marriages didn’t hang in there through time. Love can’t be forced, and time cannot bend to fit your will. You will never make something work that’s not meant to be, and you will never find something until it’s ready to be found.
Sometimes life has to make you into the person you need to be for your future spouse, and rushing the process will only leave you with a half-finished work of much needed refining. Trust me on this one. I met my spouse and fell in love with him at nineteen. We didn’t get married until a decade later, and when I imagine the kind of wife I would have been back then I’m really grateful for the wait.
Forcing a relationship, or especially pouring all your energy into something that’s not going to happen is only going to leave you completely deflated. And most likely wounded from fully pursuing that right relationship, or the relationship at the right time.
4. Give love because you’re seeking love. It’s a lot easier for me to see this in myself in retrospect. I believe that an absent biological father who gave me up so easily left a hole in my life. Somehow his rejection left me seeking affirmation of my worth, and I sought it in my future relationships.
I wanted to be loved, and while I think we’re made that way and on a certain level it’s okay, I do believe it can be manipulated into something unhealthy at times. It comes back to loving yourself, and most importantly knowing that you are loved by God above.
You cannot fill the emptiness in your soul in any other way than by a relationship with The Lord, but so many of us spend a lifetime trying. We desire love, and therefore we seek to love someone else so that they may reciprocate that emotion. But we should give love as a gift because He gave it to us, not with the motivation of an emotional trade-off to fill an emptiness we hold inside.
5. Base it on physical attraction. Chemistry is a good thing, and physical attraction is needed for a relationship, but it’s just one of the many factors involved. It certainly shouldn’t be the selling point.
Point is looks fade. Muscles waste, breasts sag, and wrinkles show up on your wrinkles. If you get together with a hottie expecting them to stay that way you’re in for an unpleasant surprise. True love is based on more than outward appearance. It’s a matter of the heart. I find my husband incredibly attractive physically, but I think his heart is his most beautiful quality.
6. Use your physical attributes to seal the deal. Oh Lord, if I only knew then what I know now.
You will never make someone commit to you by using your body. You will get attention when you show extra flesh, but it will never be the right attention. It certainly won’t be sustainable attention. A head easily turned can be turned again.
Giving your body away as a prize doesn’t make you more valuable; it actually lessons your worth, especially if it’s given repeatedly to multiple people. There’s not really anything special to humankind about something so many have enjoyed in such an intimate way.
So what’s left after you’ve used your body to no avail? A broken heart, a wounded spirit, and a diminished view of self worth. Remember that any person who loves you for your heart will be willing to wait for you.
7. Being unequally yoked. I once was a missionary, and while on the mission field I had a teacher speak to us on dating. He said this was the only place we didn’t need to be missionaries. On the dating field.
Dating isn’t a charity project, and it’s not like bringing a puppy home from the shelter. You can’t fix someone, and you certainly can’t change them. No amount of love that you pour out on a person will make them who you need them to be, and it certainly won’t make them see things like you do. Just don’t even try. Save yourself the heartache. If it’s meant to be then God can handle the ‘changing people’s hearts’ part.
Above all I would suggest staying in prayerful consideration for your future or present relationship. Listen to that small, still voice inside your heart, and it will lead you in the direction you need to go. It may not always be the path you want right that minute, but it’s always the lengthy one that you can walk for a lifetime.
They say anything worth doing is worth doing well. And I agree you shouldn’t settle for second best. Sometimes you have to wait to find the prize that’s meant for your heart. You can’t give up on love, but you can take your time and value yourself highly in the process.
Don’t let a relationship define you, but allow God to use the right one to refine you.
meltedflowers aka amy garren says
All true. Wish I read this twenty years ago…WOUKD have saved some heartache before learning the hard way. Now I try to teach my daughter’s these same things
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Me too, me too.
April Hodges says
Brie, I needed this today. So very much. Thank You
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you!