“I regret becoming a nurse.”
The words popped out at me right away, and the phrase kept coming back in my mind as I went about my work day. And I wondered, do I?
I have a statistical tool for this blog that shows me mostly nonspecific data concerning things like how many people have read a particular post or what area of the world their view originated from in the first place. It also tells me the particular terms used in a Google search that led to my blog, and that’s where I saw those words that made me grimace. “I regret becoming a nurse.”
Someone had entered that in their search engine. My initial reaction was a wince, but then I thought, yeah, I can see that. After all, been there, thought that. Even if just for a mere moment.
When I first became a nurse I didn’t know the extent to which I would be frustrated, or how I could end up feeling like a complete moron and failure to my field at times. I knew it wouldn’t be all roses, but I never imagined I would find myself visibly shaking after I clocked out following a particularly intense day.
It seems that many times nurses are viewed as healthcare’s angels. They are given high-esteem right up there with the brave firefighter or the courageous soldier. That brilliant, honorable position in the workforce was what I saw in my pre-nurse days. I saw beautiful paintings of Florence Nightingale, and I thought, Yes. I could do that.
I had no idea that the expectations often paralleled the vision, that people fully expected a perfect, pristine angel of mercy to deliver their morning meds.
I will honestly admit that I went into the field naively, and with high aspirations to be an everyday hero like I envisioned when I looked at my own mother heading to the hospital.
But even in my naivety would I say that I regret becoming a nurse?
It’s true that I was ill-equipped for the reality of a job in healthcare. Nursing school was grueling, and very extensive in the information fed to me in preparation of becoming a RN, but I would imagine I’d still be enrolled in the program if I were to learn everything there was to know about being a nurse. No, if anything I now realize that nursing is a continuous education kind of gig.
I didn’t know that my patients wouldn’t always hold me in high regards. I knew you couldn’t please everyone, but I never imagined the anger people can throw your way when faced with the fear and stress of an unexpected illness. I understand it, but I didn’t know how hard it would be to be on the receiving end of such bitter emotion.
I knew I’d work with many different personalities unlike my own, but I wasn’t prepared for the cruel treatment I might receive at times from those in a position above my own.
I knew it would be a high stress environment sometimes, or at least I think I did. I do know though that I never could have imagined just how stressful it would be to hold such a lofty level of responsibility in regards to the life of another human being. I didn’t anticipate how my heart would flutter or my stomach drop when faced with the very real, very extreme impending failure of a patient’s fragile life force.
I didn’t realize I could become so emotionally invested in what was in essence a stranger, and I didn’t know that many times I would end the day crying in my driveway over that same stranger who left the earth far too soon.
There are certain words you never want to hear your nurse say. And there are certain words you never want to say as a nurse. I think the most painful would be the ones I wrote above. To say “I regret becoming a nurse.”
Many, multifaceted factors make being a nurse difficult. I’ll be the first to admit that it’s stressful, heart-wrenching, and some aspects beyond my control are utterly frustrating.
But then it’s not.
Then there are hugs, thank you’s, and lives saved. There are homemade cookies and good conversations. There are those days when you see someone get better, and the patient you thought would die gets wheeled out the door. There are moments when despite the fact that I have poop on my scrubs and blood on my shoes that I feel exactly like the way that Florence Nightingale picture looked. I feel like a hero. I feel like I helped someone, and it feels good.
Do I regret becoming a nurse? Honestly? Some days I wonder. Some days I question every fiber of my being, but in the end I can say emphatically “no!”
I think we can all recall a time, especially when we were new nurses, where our shift was extremely busy, challenging, and chaotic. You might have thought, Oh God! I made a mistake. I’m not cut out for this! But you came back the next shift. We all did.
I’m reminded of a favorite quote. “I do not regret the things I have done, but those I didn’t do.”
When I became a nurse I was unaware of how difficult the career would be, but I was also unaware of how rewarding it would become. I do not regret the impact the field of nursing has had on my life, but I imagine I would regret if I had never tried.
In the end nursing is a calling. It’s a field where you feel inexplicably led. I could no more not be a nurse than I could not breathe air. For some the calling might not be present, and regret is inevitable, but for me it isn’t an option. And though on the really tough days a fleeting thought may flicker through my mind, in the end I will never use the word regret.
** Ok. I have used the words regret and nursing together once before, and that’s the post that Google found. But you might be surprised at what I had to say. See what I mean by clicking here.
Dianna Ellis says
Yes nursing is hard work and frustrating at times. I have gone home after 12 or 16 hours so tired I could barely drag myself to my car. And my heart has broken as I heard the wails of a mother whose child we were unable to save. But I have also felt more happiness than I could have ever imagined when I buckled a premie into his car seat and sent him home with his overjoyed parents after taking care of him in the NICU for months. I have never regretted becoming a nurse. Nursing is not just what I do, it’s who I am !