I still remember when I realized I wouldn’t be a veterinarian. I had wanted to be an animal doctor for as long as I could remember, and spent the majority of my childhood trying to mend frogs’ broken legs or bottle-feed baby bunnies.
Despite my dream career ambitions, while in college I changed my major. I wanted patients who could tell me what was wrong, and being the daughter of a registered nurse, it was only natural to want to follow in the footsteps of a woman I admired so greatly.
I now realize that other than my admonition that “what’s good enough for Mom is good enough for me,” I had no idea what I would encounter in the field of nursing. I was clueless in fact.
I figured that I’d make a really good salary, and I dreamed of the day I could be a rich nurse. I was unaware how paltry the check would seem in the face of the very real responsibilities I shouldered.
I was pretty excited for the shifts I’d pull, and imagined how great it would be to only work a few days a week. I didn’t factor in the recovery phase that follows a thirteen hour shift, and I missed the memo about working weekends and holidays too.
I watched all the medical dramas with my mother, and I marveled at the knowledge she possessed. Especially when she angrily corrected the flaws in the script.
I wanted that! The excitement and the skills. I didn’t understand that sometimes excitement turns into fear, and although in-depth, full knowledge of the field is never obtained.
I had no idea that even as I made my career and performed in an intense area of nursing, full of chaos and abounding skills, that simply holding someone’s hand would be the most rewarding thing to me.
I knew it would be challenging. My mom told me so. But I had no idea it would be like this.
I can’t recall her telling me that I would desire so completely to be the best, to give of myself so fully. I never realized I would doubt my abilities so much, or wish so deeply that I could change the outcome for those who sought my help.
I didn’t know I would feel regret. Regret that I couldn’t do more, or know more, or even be more to those who put their lives in my hands.
How could I have known that I would feel the pain of another so intensely, or that I would grieve so fiercely for someone I had just met. Did I really think that I would feel the loss experienced by another like it was my own? And that then I would embrace that empathetic side I didn’t even realize I possessed?
Is there any way I could have known how I would regret that I couldn’t be more, better, or what my patient deserved?
I don’t think so.
There’s no way I could have known.
I didn’t know that it would change me, that it would become me, and that I wouldn’t know any other way to exist than to care.
I didn’t know I would regret that I didn’t care more.
I didn’t know I would beat myself up over not knowing every answer, or especially catching every mistake or sign of impending doom.
I didn’t know that I would regret not knowing more, paying attention to detail more, or simply just being more. More of a nurse. More of a better me.
I realize now that I had no idea what I was getting into. While I didn’t know how hard it would be; I also didn’t realize how hard I’d be on me. Or that I would regret all the things I couldn’t be.
I guess Momma forgot to tell me that part.
Jane Lemaster, RN, BSN says
Amen sister, I am right there with you!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you. 🙂
Kum says
Thank you so much. I completely agree with you. I work in a Level 1 trauma center and it always amazes me how hard the job is, yet how much I love it. It is so rewarding to get a hug from a stranger and for them to tell me I did a great job even when I felt there was so much more I wanted to do for them. People really do need to feel the compassion, the love even from a total stranger. Great article Brie.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much.
Denise says
Oh yes ma’am!…I meant every word…that YOU said!…and very well said at that! Thank you for your letter!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you.
Mike D. says
One has to be a nurse to understand a nurse!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
So true!
jezzabell37 says
Hey, Did you end up staying in nursing? I am newly qualified, started in January and just can’t wait to elave. My previously very strong relationship with my partner is suffering as we never get any days off together. I feel so alone and I hate the pressure that comes with it. WHat are you doing now? x
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
I am still bedside. Hanging in there.