It suddenly occurred to me that my face was hurting something fierce, and the muscles in my cheeks were actually aching. I realized sadly that the tension I felt around my mouth was likely due to the unintentional, yet repeated clenching of my jaw. After all, I’d been pissed off for at least three hours. Sigh.
I hadn’t run away, even though it had been what I wanted to do more than anything in the whole wide world, and my brief hiatus for a lunch break had not turned into my escape plan as I had daydreamed it would.
My thoughts of booking it elsewhere and never turning back had only been rivaled by my shoddy mental plans to perhaps rob a bank, or commit some other fantabulous quick income fix. I knew in that moment I could handle an Uzi with zeal, and I even imagined spraying bullets maniacally, rat-tat-tat sounds interspersed with my lunatic laughter.
I knew deep down I wouldn’t have the ability, wherewithal, nor inclination to hold up a little kid’s lemonade stand much less a bank, but isn’t there a moment for just about anyone where the idea of pulling off a stellar heist with your buddies seems kind of cool? Especially on a bad day?
Some days I just want to run away, and even though I’m not sure where I’d go, or the “what next,” something about putting your fingers in your ears, going “nah-nah-nah, I can’t hear you,” and forgetting all about my extensive responsibilities sounds divine. Divine I tell you!
But I don’t run away. Instead I fume, or worse, I simmer. I let the low heat of my frustration and anger slowly boil away every ounce of inherent joy I hold in my little pot, and I’m left with a sore jaw from all the bad thoughts that have played out across my face.
Some days you need a hug in the worst kind of way. People are mean, and circumstances can be cruel. Even in your justified anger you just fall flat, for you realize that for all the righteous indignation you can muster, some stuff you just can’t change. No matter how hard you squint your eyes, clinch your jaw, and imagine, for even a split second, the possible murder of those who oppose you, you just can’t change some people or some things.
Were you right? Makes it even worse when someone says you’re wrong.
Did you do your best? Makes it even more frustrating when your best is stomped flat, and spit upon.
Yet despite whether life is fair or everyone complies with the Golden Rule, I still have a purpose, a role to fulfill in this great, grand life. I don’t like the term “putting on my big girl panties,” because sometimes I’m not in the mood to wear undies that don’t fit, but I can’t sit around pouting without drawers on any more than I can actually run away, rob a bank, or tell my boss to take my job and shove it.
Some days stink, and I have to dig down deep, extra hard to pull out even a smidgen of motivation in the throes of adversity. And then I have a “slap my forehead” moment. Then I remember.
2 Corinthians 12: 9-10
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Then I don’t have to run away, I just run to Him. Now to just work on the thoughts of throttling my enemies.
Hackle Joy Caguimbay says
I just love your blog! You’re such a blessing! Continue to be the salt and light. God bless you more! 🙂
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much! I appreciate that!
Rhonda says
I had to set my calipers down today because I felt that wonderful warm feeling rising in my mind. N I still think that robbing a bank sounds good. Lol I only need $250
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
I’ll let you drive the get-a-way car!
Denise says
I totally agree Brie.. You are a blessing and my prayer is that you continue to reach out and touch people’s lifes.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much. Some days I get discouraged, and kind words mean so much. So, thank you again. Truly.