So what do you see when you see me? Do you see a woman old enough for the hardships of life to have made her wiser, yet young enough that she still has a lifetime ahead of her to live to the fullest? Perhaps you see a doting wife who is enchanted by the love story she lives on a daily basis. I’m certain you see a mom gifted with two adorable, stunning, healthy little girls. You might see a career woman, a lady who gracefully balances a professional nursing vocation, a secondary writing career, and the role of homemaker all with ease. You’ll likely look at the smile on my face and see the light of God shining through me, or I certainly hope you do. My life is the picture of bliss, the mirror of the American dream, and I get to live that dream every day. But is that all you see?
I have a wonderful life it’s true, and I’m very happy. For the most part. I wouldn’t change a thing if given the choice, and I’m beyond grateful for my picturesque little life. And I suppose that’s what makes it so difficult. It’s challenging to get over being sad when you don’t even know why you are.
Many people might think, “what in the world does she have to be depressed about?!” and something about that makes it even worse. Something about feeling down in the midst of an idyllic life baffles the person the most who finds themselves sad. Why do I feel this way?!
I remember being depressed when I found myself going through a divorce. I especially recall the sting and encompassing sadness felt after my mother’s passing. I even remember shamefully the feeling of emptiness when I drank too much. Those were bad times, but understandable in a way. Pinpointing a cause for depression doesn’t make it cease to exist, but somehow it brings a sense of peace, as much as you can have in that state, when the cause is almost tangible and can be given a name. A name like grief, or alcoholism.
But when there is no reason, then what? What of waking up late in a comfy bed, in your loving home, with an adoring husband at your side, and a perfect little girl in the crook of your arm, yet immediately feeling sad? Why does depression threaten bliss even as you fight valiantly for happiness to rule in your life? Why am I feeling this way?!
I kiss my babies and breathe in the sweet smell of their innocence and I feel a pang of guilt for not turning cartwheels or bursting into song. I smile down at my perfect little version of me, but so much better in every single way, and I feel the joy of a wonderful life. I do. But the sadness is still there lingering along the edges like a stray cat that just won’t go away. He yowls at the moon in the night even as I throw my boot.
Everybody hurts sometimes. And sometimes there’s no reason to be found. The tracks of my tears leave scars in my cheeks, and perhaps make me the woman that stands before you now. For in my weakness I truly discover how flawed I am, and how little control I hold over emotions where a cause is nowhere to be found. I have no control at all.
In these unwelcome seasons of sadness I cling to the cross, and I call for my Savior even when my words fail me. My broken heart cries with a yearning only He can hear. Complete surrender comes in moments where you are at a loss for a solution, especially when the cause eludes. Because you can’t fix what you don’t know is broken, and some things you simply can’t control.
But hope remains in the giver of life, a King who has already defeated even the trickiest of foes. Victory is obtained in acceptance that your battle has already been fought by one far greater than yourself.
Because a good life is wonderful, and beautiful children and a loving spouse are truly gifts to behold, but of little consequence when depression slips a cold hand around your throat. Even as hard as that is to admit, or the guilt this revelation may bring, it seems to be true. Even truly happy people are sad sometimes, and it doesn’t mean they’re not happy, or not appreciative. It’s just how it is.
So I let go of guilt, and I let go of my quest for a cause. I let go of my need to fix the problem, or be perfect, and I just be me. A woman with a big smile and a wonderfully happy life, who sometimes is a little sad for no reason at all. And that’s okay.
Sherry says
So beautiful expressed !
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you!