As I tried to hold the scream inside my head and fought the urge to run outside, it occurred to me that kids don’t care if you’re having a bad day. They don’t cut you some slack. They don’t give you a moment alone to cry. They just continue to ask for stuff and beg to be held like your bad day isn’t even happening.
I wanted to be held. I wanted to cry! But I didn’t. I hadn’t cried a single tear yet, and I wasn’t sure if it was because God was covering me with His grace or I was holding it all inside. It was highly likely I would implode at any moment and end up squalling over a broken dish or burnt dinner.
I couldn’t explain my feelings, as I was extremely disappointed, but also felt a strange peace, like things were as they should be. God is weird like that, how He can take your bad circumstances and hold them for you so you don’t fall into a freak-out mode, screaming at the sky, “Why me?!” He holds them at a distance so you can examine things from a far and say, “Ohh. So this is your new plan for me?”
It still hurts, but it becomes more bearable when you hold on to that trust in the great I Am.
I have a dream of being a writer, and I suppose I am. I write things down, and you guys seem to enjoy it. When I got picked up by a publisher to share my words in a bigger way, well, I felt honored. I felt ecstatic. I felt like a kid saying, “Look Maw! They like me. They really like me!”
Over the past few days I felt God trying to tell me something. He was saying, “It doesn’t matter what they think of you. You do this for me.” I was seeing over and over that God gave me a dream and He could fulfill it. It was like He led me to it, so He’d always make the way. I was getting the sense that I needed to hold on to His will for me, the encouragement that I was doing what He desired for me, no matter the obstacles.
Today it came to a head. Today all the stuff He’d been whispering in my ear made sense. Today I got an email from my publisher canceling my contract with them. They would no longer be publishing my first book as we had planned since February.
Shock doesn’t cover it. It helped that I wasn’t alone. There were a handful of my fellow authors awaiting publication who were also dropped. We began talking to one another, offering condolences, encouragement, and group speculation. That last bit seemed most helpful since no one could understand the answer to the all elusive “why.”
While the support of my fellow, rejected authors was amazing, and the sweet support of my spouse was welcomed with open arms, it was the continuous talking with Heavenly Dad that kept me grounded. I just kept crying out to God to give me peace, to give me comfort, and to show me the next step.
I say I remained grounded, holding on to the faith that He must have a better plan, but I also felt justifiably angry. So I sent a personal message to my publisher detailing my feelings.
I felt like my hopes had been lifted and then dashed upon the ground. I felt like they had promised me something, I had gotten all excited, and then they’d taken it away. Despite my faith, I was crushed. I knew God must have something better, but I was still hurt. I felt like I had been treated wrongly, and I let them know.
My feelings didn’t change the outcome. It did cause them to share more in detail the reasons behind their decision. Sometimes we may only see how a situation affects us personally, and never consider what’s going on in the life of another. Maybe sometimes I’m as selfish as my dear children.
Since the situation is very personal to my publisher, I won’t share it in detail here. I will only say whether true or not, whether an excuse or an excusable travesty, the fact is that there is more in life than my little world. There are things bigger than my little book. It is just a book in the grand scheme of life, and if God wants me to share it, then it will happen. I won’t be able to stop it actually.
There are so many factors surrounding the whole situation that I’m still confused. Authors who had been published were breaking their contract because promised obligations were not being fulfilled. Secrets were being uncovered that made it hard to believe anything. But in the end none of that mattered, and none of it changed anything.
In the end my book would not be published. At least, not in the foreseeable future, and not by the intended publisher. A part of me is embarrassed right now. My publisher told me to promote myself, and that was what I did. Now I’m in the spotlight, but without a publishing contract.
Despite my embarrassment, I wanted felt like I needed to share it with my readers and supporters. I have some decisions to make. I’ll be praying and listening. And as always, I’ll update you all of any new developments.
A part of me feels like I have failed. The bigger part of me is excited to see what God will bring out of this mess.
Regardless, I’ll keep writing. I have a second book completed, and I’m currently working on a third. That won’t change. I still feel like I’m doing what Dad wants, but feel free to offer me encouragement. I’ll take it!
Keely says
Yep. That.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you my friend.
ckramercoaching says
Do not be embarrassed for something over which you have no control. It is not your fault and nobody should think it is. You are absolutely right – God’s will is confusing and sometimes seemingly harsh, but in the end, it is all for our own good. You ARE a writer whether or not your book gets published. Jack Canfield got rejected hundreds of times for “Chicken Soup for the Soul.” However, it ended up being a major best seller and he is one of the most well-known speakers and authors out there. Your time will come. In the meantime, keep writing and stay alert for the new opportunity that I know God is sending your way. Hugs!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much! I am encouraged, despite my hurt feelings, and I do trust God has His hand all over this! Thanks for the encouragement.
ckramercoaching says
You are absolutely welcome!
Sherry says
As I’ve told my girls, you only fail if you never try. You have not failed so you keep trying. Anything worth having is worth working for. Have I supplied enough colloquialisms for you? Lol. There was a reason for this that we don’t know yet, but more importantly it does NOT reflect on you as a writer. And reflect on this thought…you reached me with your words & heart, & I am sure I am not the only one. So as long as you are reaching people, you are a success already! Looking forward to what God has in store for you! Praying for you Brie!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much. I really appreciate that. Just last night I felt like God was telling me things right along these same lines. I’m honored if He uses my words to touch the lives of others. I could ask for nothing more.
Debby Weeks says
You are an incredible writer Brie! I’m sorry to learn about your disappointing news. You are already successful with your blog, I love reading it and I can hear your voice when I do. God does have another plan for you. You are appreciated by me and so many others!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much! I really appreciate that.
Sherry Evans says
Brie, I know God has plans for you and your books! You are an awesome writer as I have said many times! I feel like God has already used you in many ways. Had it not been for this blog, I would not have seen the rainbow that was waiting in my clouds! My faith and Christian life has drastically changed since I have been reading your words. If these words reached me I can’t imagine the impact your books will have on people. He will lead you where He wants you to go my friend.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much. I’ve been waiting specifically for you to read this. You encourage me more than you know.
Jennifer says
Bummer 🙁
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Tell me about it!
Jan Liu says
Keep writing!! Your writing makes me smile, remember forgotten moments, makes me think and strengthen my Christian faith. Your beautiful spirit shines through your written word. Keep it up!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks so much!!
David Gladwin says
Brie. I’m a non fiction writer with 30-odd books published (no, not odd books….) and even after all this time things can go pear-shaped – one book was completed to contract 3 years ago and now they say ‘sorry’. although they do want another project. Another publisher passed a heavily illustrated (and expensive to write) book to an editor who does not answer emails from them or me to find out what has happened. If your writing is like your blog fear not you will get there when the time is right.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much for sharing and the encouragement!
mona scarbrough says
Hang in there. God will make a way. I enjoy your blog and will enjoy your book when the time is right.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks so much. I’m trusting His timing and lead.