As I made my way wearily across the pedestrian walk into the dreaded grocery store I caught a glimpse of my shadow in my peripheral vision.
The lanky, dark woman looked exhausted. She probably was. You can’t be up most of the night with a teething toddler and not be. Her long limb was being tugged in an odd and painful looking direction by a smaller, energetic shadow attached to her hip. The tiny, tornado girl shadow jumped and pulled at the shadow woman’s arm making it look as though it might be ripped from its socket.
And that was certainly how I felt. I felt as if I was constantly being pulled in odd directions that distorted me to the point of fracture. The thing was, sometimes I broke, and sometimes I didn’t.
My plan earlier in the day had been to write this evening on the topic of patience and how we can be more patient with our children. It seemed like a mighty fine topic as it’s something I struggle with. A lot.
I have this horrible habit of feeling rushed, frustrated, and to the point of boiling over with my ensuing anger. I don’t want to be the “angry mom” or the “mom who yells.” I want to be that earthy mom who bakes bread and grows veggies or wears pants made of hemp. Ok, maybe not that far, but I would like to react to the chaos of my young charges as if I smoked that earthy mom’s pants. Sometimes I just feel like I need to chill out.
When my three year old starts to use phrases like, “I just cannot handle this,” then I know I’m being a bad example. No little kid should utter those words. They should wait until they’re 36 and frazzled like myself.
Anyway, since I just love to work on making a better me I felt like a topic on patience was in order. I had been reflecting on the subject and felt eager to start practicing my desired patience, and naturally to share that goal with you all.
I decided that patience was synonymous with love. I decided that often times my impatience is selfish and self-driven. For example, when my children can’t seem to move at a pace that fits in with my agenda I become impatient. I decided that selfishness probably drove most impatient situations in life. Who wouldn’t desire to make your selfish desires less while increasing your love for others. It was brilliant. And Biblical. Yippee!
With my new encouraged spirit ready to practice patience I drove along in silence thinking to myself. That’s right. Silence. You see, I was alone. My children were with a sitter so I could accomplish some work, and my solitude had fortified my ambitious goals.
I would be a more patient mother. Praise The Lord!
As the haggard shadow lady sank into the entrance of the store I maneuvered a baby off my hip and into the basket, then detangled the three year old from my grip long enough to straighten my shirt that the baby had tried to remove in her continued quest to constantly breastfeed from me. Subsequently she would be content for me to go topless like something out of National Geographic.
It was at this point that the preschooler chimed, “Can you get me something to eat in here?”
*Insert chirping crickets.
She was serious though. The child who had just left the restaurant with me where she ate 1 1/2 bites of her entree. Rather than eating she laid across the booth. Or crawled under the table. Or whined about being ready to go.
I could understand why she was hungry. So was I. I certainly hadn’t eaten all of my meal either. I was too distracted by a crying baby trying to jump from her high chair so she could reach my shirt and try to rip it off. So I could understand her hunger. I just couldn’t understand why she didn’t eat when she had the chance.
And maybe that’s what it came down to for me. It wasn’t so much what they did as it was that I couldn’t understand it. They were kids, I knew, but some days even that can’t make frustration vanish.
Something today about the lack of sleep, the stress of the work I had completed, and the debacle that was eating out with kids all combined to make me want to lose my patience.
I can’t be patient with my children, I thought. I just wasn’t sure I had it in me.
My intentions had been so good, but when faced with the reality I feared I might fail.
But somehow I didn’t. I didn’t cry. I didn’t scream. I didn’t yell. Not today. I might have raised my voice a bit, but if I did I don’t recall. Today I laughed. I loved abundantly. I do that most days, but sometimes that abounding love is hard to see when life gets in the way. You know it’s there. You’re just usually too tired to ruminate on it much.
On those days you usually go to bed saying a prayer of thanksgiving that you made it through the day, a prayer of forgiveness for where you fell short, and a prayer of petition to do better tomorrow.
And maybe that’s what it comes down to for us all. You accept the things you cannot change, but strive to achieve the things you can. You wake up each day fresh and try again, striving for patience, peace of mind, and the knowledge to know the best way to achieve it all.
I have to believe I can be more patient, but not sweat the small stuff or be even worse of a self-critic than I already am. God changes hearts. He strengthens resolve. He teaches me through them, and I can handle that.
jaws4242 says
I found you on Project Underblog – so glad I did! This is the narration of my life many days.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you! Glad you found the blog. Feel free to follow along in the fun by subscribing via email.
mizyank says
Patience is so easy to talk about and tough to practice (says the woman who has no children but five niece/nephew types). Found you through Project Underblog and glad I did because otherwise I might not know anyone who’s had visions of smoking some crunchy earth mom’s hemp pants. Hilarious!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks you so much. Glad the blog found you too.
Amy, Using Our Words says
What truths you speak. You sound like my soul sister. So happy to have found you through Project: Underblog as well!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much! Me too 🙂
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you 🙂