I didn’t intend it, but there it was all the same. The hot tears crept up the back of my throat threatening to choke me if I didn’t release them to do their work. They beat at the corners of my eyes causing me to drop my face into my hands, thwarted by my own emotional snap and finally letting loose a torrent of salty tears accompanied by a chorus of wails that escaped me in hiccuping swells.
The release of raw emotion had been foreshadowed by anger voiced out loud even as I tried to break off the bitterly acidic words. I didn’t want to complain, especially not in front of anyone! Usually my moments of self-pity and whining were sadly saved for my poor spouse, mostly because he seemed best able to lift my head and tell me the things I knew deep in my heart but needed reminding of at the time. After affirmation from him I could typically dust off the garbage of frustrating distress and keep on trucking. You know, being Patsy Positive for anyone I came across.
That was my goal anyway, to always be upbeat, optimistic, and encouraging, to be a light shining brightly. (Insert long drawn out sigh here.) You want to know the problem with always staying positive? It’s really, really hard! Most days saying God’s got this is easy. So when is it not?
Some days it’s hard to keep believing God will provide when you cannot for the life of you see that provision. Even when it’s promised. Especially because it’s promised.
I read my Bible. I believe God’s truths there and try to apply them to life. Sounds good, right?
Philippians 4:19 ESV
And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
What about when He doesn’t?! What about when God doesn’t provide your need? Or what about when it just doesn’t seem to be going for you like the scriptures say it should? God isn’t following the script! What gives?!
Am I reading it wrong? Did He forget about me? Am I doing something wrong that is preventing His favor?
That’s how we think sometimes, like we’re the leading role in a play all about us and The Director is going all improv on us, and we can’t handle the lines changing without having a Diva-worthy meltdown.
I had my moment, my time where it was just too exhausting to keep smiling and say softly, I’m not worried. God’s got this.
It didn’t mean my faith had faltered dramatically or I no longer trusted Him. It just got hard. So, I cried. Well, I accosted my sister with unsolicited anger first, then I cried.
Then I was fine. Then I turned my eyes back to Him.
I wasn’t seeing the provision, but it was there, just not like I imagined it should be represented.
2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
So… the grace is sufficient. Hmmm. And His power is perfect in my weakness. Well that sounds promising.
Faith carries you even when it’s hard to smile, hard to remain positively positive. Falling on your face doesn’t negate faith. It strengthens it when you can stand back up and say, yes, I trust you. I know you are here. I know your word is true.
Today He provided my sister to be present with a much needed hug as I bawled a bowl of tears into my waiting hands. He supplies every need.
Just because the route taken isn’t the familiar one or the one you expect; this doesn’t mean you’re going to get lost. You stay seated because you trust the driver. After all, He built all the roads.
Even if He doesn’t provide, really He does. Even when we can’t see, He can. Even when we don’t believe, He does.
Anne says
I received some life altering medical news yesterday and am angry things are going in this direction. I did not ask for this. What did I do to deserve this? This was not in my 5 year plan. Why do Drs and nurses screw up and why do I have to suffer like this? Your blog post was written for me today. Thank you.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
I cannot express to you how much it blesses me that this post found you at a time when you needed it most. God is so good. Even when we can’t fathom it. I pray that He will wrap His arms of comfort around you during this difficult time, and I am praying for you as we speak. Take comfort in His embrace and the fact that He loves you so very much.
Ben A. Stephenson says
Deuteronomy 8:18a: “But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth… .”
2 Corinthians 9:8: “And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.”
Colossians 3:2-3: “Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.”
2 Corinthians 5:21: “We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God.”
We are utterly powerless and bankrupt except for what power and resources God gives us. We are dead people who are raised to life by the power of God to be God’s agents (ambassadors) until He calls us Home. There’s an old saying I heard as a child: “Where God guides, God provides.” I always liked it, and have had it printed on my checks several times. 2 Corinthians 9:8 tells us that the resources God wants us to use to be his ambassadors – He himself will provide. The logical conclusion then is that whatever God has not provided, He does not expect us to use. This must be true because what He does expect us to do, He promises to provide the resources we need in order to do it.
We can rely on Romans 8:38: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” But God’s priorities are not the same as ours, as Isaiah states: “‘For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,’ declares the Lord. ‘As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.’”
While times of personal drought (financial or otherwise) are sad and we, if honest with ourselves, are sad, God is still God, and we can join Job in saying, “But [God] knows the way that I take, and when He has tested me, I will come forth as gold” (23:13).
Ben A. Stephenson says
MODERATOR: Please correct reference above from “Romans 8:38” to “Romans 8:28.” Sorry for the typo. 🙂
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thanks for the well-thought comment. I completely agree with you. I tend to share the weakest moments of self in my writing. I think it benefits others to see that they are not alone when they feel downtrodden, that they are not the only one who feels upset even as they are trusting Jesus completely. Thank you again for the beautiful references from God’s word that speak my heart completely. Without His perfect provision and will for my life I would be a complete mess.
Jody Bayless says
I google”what about when God doesn’t provide?” I’ve been a Christian for 29 years and am majorily strapped right now financially like never before. The first part of your blog describes me perfectly today! I’ve cried, I’ve yelled, cried some more…actually was upset at God and have questioned it all… I have 3 kids…. Single dad….and am in a major rut and don’t really see away out or provision. I’ve been praying, believing, praising, applying for lots of jobs (I’m retired) but see nothing happening. I don’t get it? Really!?!?!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
I’m sorry I have no words of wisdom. Our faith seems to build the best when we cannot see a way out, when we let go, not out of giving up, per se, but in a surrender to Him. When we cannot see, He always can. Always believe that.
Sandra says
I too find myself saying Really?? You look around and others seem to glide through life full and abundant – I work hard and produce less – I ask God if this is your business, where is the fruit? Then back around to – Your will be done – IS this Your will Lord? Trust and obey rings again and I fall at his feet knowing it will all be alright. How it will be, I do not know, but it will be alright, somehow, someway.
Blessings
Robert geiter says
I am 54 lost all hope I am now diabetic learning issues I want to believe god I really want to believe in God’s provision I but I don’t have money for rent be cause my job work a week then two days here 3 days here and gods word says I will prosper whatever I touch what gives
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Perhaps this devotion I just read may help.
When Simon saw that the Spirit was given when the apostles laid their hands on people, he offered them money to buy this power. (NLT) ( Acts 8:18 )
Poor Simon was too far from understanding the concept of faith. The Spirit lives within you through repentance of your sins and asking for forgiveness. Instead, Simon wanted to cut to the chase and receive the benefits of the power of the Holy Spirit. Today we do the same thing, attend church thinking it will make up for the time we didn’t read our Bible or spend time with God. Stretch yourself beyond this type of thinking and reach for a relationship. Invest your time in God.
Lynn says
After many years of struggling with constant defrost and starting over I am giving up. I have heard for many years now God is the process of promoting you. Well I am fifty now and have taken more steps backwards than I can count. God is not promoting me but demoting me and I just cannot go anymore or believe in this promise. I am very angry and getting more bitter. I feel my life is over and I have run out of time for God to promote me to wzcellance. I tried my hardest to
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
I’m sorry. I am praying for you now.
Dmitri says
I have cried and cried to GOD but hell no. Still no job and no money or food. How many times must I be rejected? Please do not quote scripture to me. Been there done that. I used to believe, but hey, I did not choose to be born. Please spare me the “free will” BS. GOD only provides for those who have money and spits out like vile vomit those who do not have. Check the churches – all of them. Tithe tithe tithe. Unable to – no further communication. I know, I have been to around 16 different churches.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
You sound very angry and hurt. You sound like you have tried church after church, so I would be inclined to suggest trying a relationship with Jesus over religion. The Lord desires to love us. Tithing aside. He doesn’t want your money to give you the desires of your heart. He just wants your heart. Rather than crying out for a job, in your shoes I would cry out in surrender. It seems life isn’t working out in your power, so hand it over to God. I’m sorry you have had such a hard time.
Dmitri says
I tried that relationship but that was a dead end. Tried that in 1999 (03 March) to be exact. He had my heart and He did nothing with it. Just stood to one side and let life ****** me over. And He wants a relationship. He had His chance and messed it up.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
I’m so sorry. I wish I had the wisdom to give you the answer, but I don’t. I just know He loves you, He hasn’t forsaken you (no matter how it appears), and He wants to rescue you. I know it sounds like “BS,” but I know this as surely as the air I breathe. I’m praying for you right this minute.
Dmitri says
Yeah well, how about praying for an income or is that not part of the deal. If I recall, if you do not work, you do not eat. So much for LOVE !!!
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Of course. When I say I’m praying for you I’m praying for all aspects of your life. God cares about all those aspects too. He just wants your love without strings attached.
Dmitri says
It appears as if there is a time difference of 2 hours. I live in Cape Town South Africa so the communication will be delayed. As I said, He had my heart and nothing “Heavenly” happened. Good luck believing that He cares.
PS. Spare me the scriptures. I have read the Bible front to back
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you for the conversation. God bless you. Still praying for all your needs. Nothing I say or quote can change hearts. Only Jesus.
Dmitri says
It has been 11 days since out conversation and nothing has changed. God is still so far away. Seeking Him has produced no results.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
I’m sorry I haven’t gotten back to you, my friend. I read this scripture this morning that brought you to mind. I know you said not to quote any, but I can’t help myself. It’s like it was written just for you.
1 Peter 5:6-7
6 So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. 7 Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.
He cares for you. This I know. Don’t demand His intervention, but rather just trust that it’s coming. Faith is the glue that holds us together. If you can have faith the size of a mustard seed, just a teeny, tiny honest to goodness belief that He is intervening in your future, I believe He will. I think of a line from an older American movie called Jerry McGuire. The lead actor Cuba Gooding told Tom Cruise “show me the money.” He certainly wasn’t humble. Instead of telling God “show me the money,” try saying “thank you Lord for your provision that is coming.”
aninnina says
you know…i have a need…i need a place of my own. i have been needing it since 2011 and i have been praying, thanking God for it, imagining living in my own home, stood up in faith on God’s word that it’s coming any day now to myself and doubters, surrendered my will to His and told Him, His Will not mine and asked the Lord to bring me the place He knows is best for me and have watched others around me be blessed with a home of their own over these last five years.
though i am not angry with the Lord and still believe He is my Source, in a couple of weeks (maybe less) i will be totally homeless…
i feel hurt, lost, confused and even a little bit forgotten and by Him.
so now what?
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
He has not forgotten you. When all else crumbles around you the one thing that stands firm is His love for you. I do not know all the answers, and I do not know why you do not have the answer to your prayers at this time, but I do know you are precious in the Lord’s sight. Never mistake lack of worldly possession for a lack of His love. He loves you beyond all that. Don’t stop praying or believing, and hold fast to His affections for you.
Dmitri says
Read Psalms 37:25
aninnina says
@Brie
He does, i know He does. i haven’t given up hope nor have i stopped praising Him. deep down inside i know He is still working behind the scenes on my behalf and my blessings are on their way – i was just having a ‘human’ moment earlier allowing my circumstances to become bigger than Him which made me forget His promises for a second.
but anyway, thank you for your kind and truthful words, they are much appreciated.
stay blessed.
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
That’s perfectly alright. We ALL have our human moments. 😉 Me especially. God bless you, and I’m praying especially for you right this moment.
Kan says
I just wanted to let you know that I truly was blessed by your post and your comments to others. It was a comfort to me. May God bless you and keep you strong in his word
brieann.rn@gmail.com says
Thank you so much!